


Faster Times in San Francisco

by NikkiNoir



Series: Fast Times [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Destiel - Freeform, Drinking, Drug Use, F/M, M/M, Major Character Death(s), Part 2 of Fast Time series, Supernatural - Freeform, Supernatural AU - Freeform, Supernatural AU- Freeform, destiel au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-13
Updated: 2015-01-18
Packaged: 2018-02-04 12:35:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 66,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1779334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikkiNoir/pseuds/NikkiNoir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>June, 1976.</p><p>After an unforgettable senior year in high school, Dean and Cas are finally ready to start their new lives in San Francisco, away from all the painful memories from the past year. They both have high hopes for a happily ever after...but will everything work out according to plan?</p><p>((This is part two of the series. Read part one, "Fast Times At Heaven Hills High" before this, otherwise you won't have any idea what's going on.))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Perks of Van Ownership

**Author's Note:**

> First, I want to thank everyone for their support of the first part of this series. It means a lot, and has inspired me to write a part two, to tie everything up. 
> 
> If you like part two, share it, leave kudos and comments, hell, bookmark it. I'll be updating as much as I can, because I have the entire synopsis written and know exactly where this fic is going. And there is NOT going to be a fluffy, cute ending like part 1. (I even have the last sentence of the entire thing written.) So, without further revue, I present: FASTER TIMES IN SAN FRANCISCO.
> 
> :)

Dean noticed a change in Cas the moment they pulled away from the apartment the two of them had called home for the past couple of months. He'd never seen Cas smile like this; it was contagious and Dean found himself unable to resist grinning like an idiot every time he looked at Cas. Though, he couldn't deny that Cas singing loudly (and very off-key) to random songs on the radio might have contributed to his cheerful mood. Cas just had that effect on him. 

The only time, over the past year, that Dean had been genuinely happy, was when he was with Cas. He was smitten and had been from the moment he saw Cas, trying not to draw attention to himself in Bobby's English class. He was head over heels in love, and physically couldn't be happier about eloping to California. They had waited so long, and finally it was their turn for a happy ending.

The sunny afternoon was made much more enjoyable by the lack of traffic. Dean felt at peace on the open road. The first two hours of the trip flew by, with little conversation, because Dean was deep in thought, feeling nostalgic as he was hit with a memory of his past. Back before his mom left and his dad became an abusive, alcoholic douchebag. Family trips, back then, were such a fond memory that he chuckled to himself without realizing he did so.

"What are you laughing about?" Cas asked, cocking his head to the side, forever reminding Dean of a puppy.

"I was just thinking about this road trip my family took, up to Lake Erie, when I was eleven," Dean sighed, his smile fading a little, "seems so long ago..."

"Your father doesn't seem like the family vacation type," Cas said quietly, watching Dean.

"Nowadays, no," Dean agreed, "but back before my mom left, he was a good guy," his lips quirked into a smile, as he glanced at Cas, "we used to go up to this old cabin every year. Right on the lake. My mom always brought her guitar and my dad would sing...man, that year, my dad even taught me how to fish," he reminisced, feeling sad suddenly, "as a kid I didn't even realize how good I had it."

"Most kids don't," Cas touched Dean's leg, "it's okay, Dean."

"You know, I remember thinking that something wasn't right that year," Dean shook his head, "my mom told me to always take care of my dad and Sammy...and I promised I would. But I didn't have the nerve to ask her who would take care of me..."

"When did they separate?" Cas asked reticently, looking sympathetic.

"Well, they sat me down when we got back from vacation," Dean kept his expression stoic, "said that my mom was moving away and I was going to live with Sam and my dad. I didn't find out until I was sixteen that my mom left because she fell in love with a woman."

"No wonder your dad is...er...the way he is," Cas was frowning, "I'm sorry, Dean."

"My dysfunctional family issues are trivial," Dean mumbled, remembering that Cas' parents were dead, "some of us have it worse," he reached over and squeezed Cas' hand, "I should be the one apologizing."

"No. Really, I'm fine," Cas insisted, a little too quickly.

"Can I ask what they were like?" 

Cas looked thoughtful for a moment before he spoke, "Gabriel is exactly how my father used to be. My father did stand-up comedy and was one of the most good-natured people I've ever met, even up until the day he left, he was cracking jokes," Cas smiled sadly, "my mother was the quiet type. She liked reading and had more artistic talent than Van Gogh and Warhol combined," he sighed, looking down at his lap, "I've never seen a couple more in love. It was tragic to watch my mom go mad with grief after my dad...you know."

"You okay?" Dean asked, pulling into a fill-up station.

Cas nodded, "as okay as I can be, I guess," he looked at Dean, "you know, I wish you could have met them. They would have loved you."

"Where are they buried? We can go visit," Dean suggested, shutting the van off.

Cas shook his head, "that's impossible. My mother was cremated and my father's remains..." he paused for a moment, closing his eyes, "they weren't..."

"I'm sorry, Cas," Dean whispered, leaning over to press a kiss to Cas' temple, "really, I am."

"It's fine, I'm fine," Cas exhaled slowly, looking at Dean again, "they were such good people...I wish none of it had happened."

"I wish I could have met them. They sound amazing," Dean opened the driver's side door, "I'll be right back."

"Already time to fill up?" Cas smiled slightly.

Dean laughed, "the perks of van ownership," he got out of the van and strolled into the convenience store.

After grabbing a couple of cokes and a bag of potato chips, Dean paid and headed back to the van. He handed Cas the refreshments and filled up the gas tank before rejoining Cas inside the van, "so, I was just thinking," he started up the van, "we might have to stop somewhere for the night. We're a little behind schedule because I decided to take the scenic route."

"I'm in no rush," Cas handed Dean one of the cokes, "I like the van."

"I knew you would."

After another few hours of driving, the sun was low in the sky and Dean was in need of rest. They were in the middle of the desert, somewhere in Nevada, when Dean pulled onto the side of the road.

"Calling it a night?" Cas asked.

"It's a good camping spot," Dean pointed to the horizon, "wait until the sun goes down. It's like a painting," he shut the van off and got out, crossing over to open Cas' door, "you ever see the night sky in the desert, Cas?" Cas shook his head, "Really? You're in for a treat then."

* * *

When the rich pinks and vibrant oranges of the sunset faded into a void of stars, Dean grabbed a blanket from the van and spread it out over the cooling desert sand. Cas sat down on the blanket and looked up at the sky. Dean flopped down on his back, using his arms as pillows, and grinned to himself, "lots of stars tonight."

"It's beautiful here," Cas laid down next to Dean, his eyes still transfixed on the sky, "you really know how to pick impeccable spots to unwind."

"There's no harm in appreciating scenery," Dean turned to look at Cs, a slow smile playing the corners of his mouth.

Cas glanced at Dean, "what are you staring at?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I said I appreciated beautiful scenery. I'm just admiring the view," Dean winked at Cas. He knew it was cheesy, but he always got a reaction from Cas when he was cheesy. That shy smile and flushed cheeks were the only motivation Dean needed to let his corny, romantic side sneak out; Cas was truly beautiful when he blushed.

"You're such a dork," Cas chuckled, looking away, his characteristic shy smile on his lips.

"But I'm your dork," Dean scooted closer to Cas so he could kiss the tip of his nose, "I'm glad we're here together."

Cas touched Dean's cheek, "can I tell you a secret?" he asked, running his thumb over the stubble.

"Of course," Dean sat up and Cas followed his lead.

"This is the happiest I've been since my parents died," Cas looked down at his lap, "it's like I'm getting a second chance to be happy."

"Then why do you look so sad?" Dean reached for Cas' hand, "What's up, Cas?"

"It's nothing," Cas shrugged, his eyes flickering to Dean for a moment, "I guess I feel guilty for being happy."

"You deserve to be happy," Dean said firmly, squeezing Cas' hand, "we're free, man. Nothing is going to stop us from being happy now, okay?" he couldn't stand when Cas got like this. It broke his heart because he couldn't possibly understand what was going through Cas' mind. He didn't know what it was like to out-live his parents. He was at a loss for words.

"How can you know for sure? Life is so unpredictable," Cas sighed, "maybe I'm overreacting...it's just something Gabe said before he left," he knitted his eyebrows together, frowning at a memory that Dean was almost afraid to ask about.

_"So, California, huh?" Gabe asked conversationally, sprawled out on Cas' bed, watching his little brother pack, "you'd better take care of yourself. Cali changes people."_

_Cas rolled his eyes, "I'll be fine. California won't change me OR Dean."_

_"Cassy, all I'm saying-"_

_"I know you're just trying to look out for me, but, really, I'm not a kid. I can take care of myself," Cas looked at Gabe, "Dean will be there too. Everything will be okay, I promise."_

_"That's what I'm worried about," Gabe sat up and folded his arms, "if Cali is going to get to anyone, it'll be Dean."_

_"What's that supposed to mean?" Cas frowned, "it's just a state. You're being ridiculous."_

_"California is basically the west coast New York...I'm just saying, be careful," Gabe got up, "I can be out there within a day is you need anything, okay?"_

_"I'm sure Meg wouldn't be too happy if you randomly went to California," Cas sat on his suitcase, attempting to close it._

_"Meggles would love to go back," Gabe chuckled, "I thought you knew she was an LA babe."_

_"I'm going to San Francisco, not LA," Cas grunted, finally snapping the case shut, "and either way, I doubt you'll need to come. Stop being such an Anna."_

_"She told me I had to give you the 'be careful' speech, since she's working," Gabe was smirking, "I want you to be safe, but bro, don't be such a party pooper. Have some damn fun," he punched Cas in the arm, "just not too much because I've already had the big bro conversation with your boy toy and he's under strict orders to report to me if you get into trouble."_

_"You're insane. Do you think I'm going to get arrested or something?" Cas laughed, "It's me, Gabe. I'm the good influence, remember?"_

_"Yeah, I know," Gabe pulled Cas into a hug, "just promise you'll look after yourself. I love you, little bro."_

"You know what Gabe said to me? He said if anything happens to you, he'll move in next door," Dean snorted, "he really didn't want you to leave with me."

"I know," Cas leaned over and rested his head on Dean's shoulder, "but he couldn't have stopped me. No one could have."

Dean put his arm around Cas and kissed the top of his head, "you know I'm going to take care of you, right?" he murmured, "I won't leave you ever again."

"I just want you to promise you won't go changing on me," Cas shifted and pressed his lips to Dean's neck, "Don't let California make you forget..."

"Look at me," Dean tilted Cas' chin up, locking eyes with him, "I love you," he said firmly, and he meant it, "nothing is going to change that," he pressed their foreheads together, "you're my Cas and will be until I die, okay?"

Cas smiled, "and you're my Dean until I bite it," he whispered, "how tragically romantic."

"No more tragedy in this romance," Dean cupped Cas' cheek in his hand, "it's not allowed," he brushed his lips along Cas' jaw, waiting for the right moment to make a move. Dean was always cautious when he was with Cas; in the past, Cas had a tendency to turn down his advances out of fear, so he wanted to test the waters. They've known each other for nearly a year and had only kissed. Not even properly made out. Just kissed.

Cas mumbled something unintelligible, carding his fingers through Dean's short hair. His eyes were closed and a small smile played his lips as Dean started kissing his neck, flicking his tongue against the warm skin, causing Cas to inhale sharply, "Dean, I-"

"Shh," Dean kissed his way back to Cas' lips, pressing them together gently, "we're safe," he breathed, "you're okay," Dean didn't want to push Cas, but his self control had held on for so long that he wasn't sure how much longer he could contain himself; he needed to be close to Cas. He craved it with every fiber of his existence, ever since the first time they kissed.

"Van?" Cas suggested, clearing his throat, "I'm, uh, chilly."

Dean couldn't help laughing; he knew the Cas' mind was in the gutter. Every time Cas cleared his throat like that, Dean recognized it as a flirty seduction of sorts, "maybe the van is a good idea then," he said, grinning as he helped Cas up, pulling him into another kiss, "I love you," he said again, tugging him into the van.

"You said that," Cas murmured, shutting the door before taking a seat on the makeshift bed.

"Well, you always freak when I try showing my love," Dean climbed onto the bed, laying down on his side, behind Cas, "so I need to make sure you know," Dean constantly worried that Cas didn't fully believe that he loved him. He knew it was redundant and cliche to say 'I love you' over and over, but Dean couldn't help himself. A year ago, he lived life without Cas, but now he couldn't imagine life without him.

Cas laid down, facing Dean, his expression unreadable, "I know...it's just difficult for me to let go of the fear I've had my whole life," he closed his eyes, "I don't want to get hurt," he opened one eye, "and I don't want you to get hurt either."

"This is about my dad, isn't it?" Dean asked dully. He knew Cas was afraid of John, and nothing he could do or say could change that.

"What if he finds us?" Cas scooted closer to Dean, cozying up to his chest.

Dean draped his arm around Cas, lazily tracing little shapes on his back with his index finger, "Sammy assured me that dad has no idea where I am, and therefore has no idea where you are," he knew Sam would never let their dad know about San Francisco. For the first time in a long time, Dean felt safe, "I promise all that shit is in the past. We're safe."

"I'm afraid of more than your father, Dean," Cas said cryptically.

Dean sighed, "look, I'm scared too, but if you keep thinking about being afraid, you'll forget to enjoy life," he said quietly, "I think you need to loosen up. We're in the middle of the desert," he pulled Cas' hips against his own, "let's just forget everything for a night."

Cas' eyes were wide, "you mean..."

Dean shrugged, "I don't know," he didn't know what to say. The last time he suggested something other than kissing, they got into a fight and he ended up comatose. He had to think of a delicate way to approach this, "I just thought we could, you know..." Dean reached up to touch Cas' cheek, "since we're together now," he hoped Cas caught his meaning. There was no way he could say it out loud, not with the risk of Cas getting offended. He didn't want a fight. Not now.

"I'm not having sex in a van, on the side of the road," Cas said, surprisingly blunt, catching Dean off guard, "I-"

"I didn't-" Dean coughed, "I didn't mean...jeez, Cas-"

"Let me finish," Cas said calmly, touching Dean's chest, "I want it to be special," he cheeks were pink, "like a wedding night or something," he chuckled, "I know it sounds stupid..."

"No, it doesn't," Dean kissed the bridge of Cas' nose, "I respect that and won't push," he pressed his lips against Cas', "am I still allowed to kiss you?" he asked, nipping at Cas' bottom lip, smiling when Cas shuddered, "is that a yes?"

"Dean," Cas breathed, unable to finish as Dean crushed their lips together again, holding Cas' slender frame against himself, his hand resting on the small of Cas' back.

"Is this okay?" Dean mumbled into the kiss, slowly rolling his hips against Cas.

Cas gripped Dean's t-shirt, groaning as Dean carefully turned him onto his back, their lips not losing contact, until Dean straddled him, "Dean," Cas broke the kiss for a split second before he yanked Dean closer, taking his turn initiating a kiss.

Dean felt goosebumps immediately, melting against Cas, letting himself be kissed. His mind was foggy and pure instinct took over. Even Cas seemed to lose his inhibitions as their shirts were thrown across the van. The skin on skin was almost overwhelming at first; they'd never lost control like this, but it felt right.

Time seemed to have no meaning in the frenzy of kissing, groping and whispered endearments. Cas eventually fell asleep in Dean's arms, and Dean hummed softly, playing with a few strands of Cas' disheveled hair. Tomorrow their new life in San Francisco would begin and everything would be perfect. Dean couldn't think of a time he'd felt happier and more whole than he did at that moment, hugging Cas to his chest, as he slowly drifted off to sleep, to the sound of crickets and Cas' soft snoring.


	2. Whiskey and War Stories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After arriving in California, Cas and Dean have an interesting night in with their new group of friends, Benny, Ruby, Ash, Chuck and Lisa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, this is part two. Read part one, "Fast Times at Heaven Hills High" first...because there's mentions of plot points from it in this fic.
> 
> Thank you, thank you for reading! 
> 
> Note: so, accidental smut-ish goodies in this chapter. I'm so sorry. Also, drinking, drug use and mentions of the Vietnam war. If any of that bothers you. Nothing too graphic though.

After sleeping in, and a breakfast of potato chips and flat Coca Cola, Dean and Cas were back on the road. They made surprisingly good time getting into San Francisco, pulling up in front of Benny's flat just a few hours after leaving the desert. 

The building itself was a coffee shop, but there were a couple of apartments upstairs. Dean shut the van off, watching Cas examining their new home, "I know it looks a little crazy on the outside," Dean chuckled, referring to the psychedelic paint job of the facade, "but, it's nice inside," he got out of the van and joined Cas on the sidewalk, "so...what do you think?"

A slow smile crept across Cas' face, "I'm glad to finally be home."

Initially, Dean had been worried about whether or not Cas would like San Francisco, but, he breathed a sigh of relief, "let's go find Benny. I want you to meet him," he pulled Cas into the coffee shop, flashing a peace sign at one of the baristas as he lead Cas up the back stairs. 

The stairwell reeked of incense and something slightly less legal, but Dean had gotten used to it during the week he crashed here. Hell, it was almost welcoming. He truly was happy when he stopped in front of a door with peace signs painted all over it, "here we are," he grinned at Cas before pounding on the door, "I smell drugs, LaFitte!" he yelled, winking at Cas.

There was shuffling behind the door before it opened, revealing a tall, clean-cut man, wearing a pair or black slacks and an unbuttoned, white shirt, "well, well well. Look at what the cat dragged in," he mused in a southern drawl, beaming as he pulled Dean into a bear hug, "good to have you back, brother."

"Likewise, man," Dean hit him amicably on the back, "good to be home again."

"This must be the elusive Cas," the man held his hand out, "Benny LaFitte at your service."

"Cas Novak at yours," he shook Benny's hand, smiling shyly.

"Come on in, friends," Benny opened the door to let the two of them inside, "my girl is on her way over, if either of you would have any interest in a little get together."

"Why don't you call Ash and Chuck too?" Dean sat down on a beaten up leather sofa, motioning for Cas to join him, "Ash has that righteous batch of moonshine."

"I like the way your mind works," Benny laughed, "I need to pick up from herbals from Chuck anyway," he added before leaving the room.

After Benny's bedroom door shut, Dean turned to Cas, "you're awfully quiet," he noted, putting his arm around him, "everything okay?"

Cas nodded, "I like it here," he said quietly, looking down, almost as if he was avoiding eye contact, "San Francisco is amazing."

"You don't sound very convincing," Dean squeezed Cas, "tell me what's wrong," he didn't want Cas to be unhappy. Cas' happiness literally meant everything to him. He'd fucked up in the past, but it wasn't going to happen again. Cas was his priority. 

"I just..." Cas glanced at Dean, half-smiling, "I don't really fit in here."

"Don't say that. You've literally been here for ten minutes," Dean bumped a kiss to Cas' temple, "I know everyone will love you."

"What if they don't?"

Dean hadn't thought about this. He assumed that since he loved Cas, that everyone else would too. It never crossed his mind that Cas might not mesh well with people here, "if they don't, it's their loss. More for me," he nipped affectionately at Cas' ear lobe.

"I'm serious, Dean," Cas held Dean's face in his hand, his cerulean eyes boring into Dean, rendering him momentarily speechless.

"Then you get to choose where we go," Dean said finally, smiling, "wherever you want to go, I'm there."

"You mean it?"

Dean nodded, "only as long as you give California a chance."

"Fair enough," Cas seemed appeased as he dropped his hands and got up.

"Wait...where are you going?" Dean stood up, ready to chase Cas if he took off.

"If you want me to give California a chance, I thought I might move my things in," Cas finally smiled, "unless we're living in the van."

***

Between the two of them, it only took two trips to bring Cas' things upstairs. Dean left the luggage in the main room as he laced his fingers with Cas', tugging him to the back of the apartment, where their room was. He pointed out the kitchen and other rooms as they walked, before stopping in front of a peeling, white door, "here we are."

Dean opened the door, revealing a small room, taken up, for the most part, by a queen-sized mattress on the floor. There was a walk-in closet and a window, that overlooked Ashbury Street; Dean hadn't had time to unpack or decorate, so the walls were bare and there were boxes everywhere. It was quaint, but it was home.

Cas walked over to the window and looked outside, "I still remember seeing pictures of this street in the newspaper back in the late 60s," he looked at Dean, "I bet there aren't as many hippies now though."

"You'd be surprised," Dean laughed, "there's all sorts here. You'll meet San Fran's finest tonight," he couldn't wait to show off Cas to everyone. That week Cas wasn't with him was spent talking non-stop about him and by that point, everyone was excited to meet the man that Dean was so enamored with.

"You know my track record with parties, Dean," Cas made himself at home, taking a seat on the bed.

"Those were stupid high school parties," Dean closed the door and joined Cas on the bed, "people here are cool. I promise tonight won't suck."

"Will I be judged for not drinking?" Cas asked, inching closer to Dean.

"Not here," Dean nudged Cas, "so stop over-thinking everything," he hoped California would get Cas out of his shell; Cas was so shy and Dean sometimes forgot because he had a tendency to be a bit of an extrovert.

Cas ran his fingers through his unwashed hair, "sorry...I guess I just get nervous when I don't know what to expect," he admitted sheepishly, glancing at Dean, "do they know about us?"

"Yeah," Dean smiled, "if you're expecting hate here, you're going to be disappointed," in fact, he'd never met a more down-to-earth group of people. It almost made him forget about his friends from high school. Dean knew Cas wouldn't take his word for it, but Dean was sure that Cas would find out soon enough that San Francisco was the polar opposite of Heaven Hills, "just be yourself, Cas. Loosen up," he put his arm around Cas, playing with the hem of his t-shirt.

"I'll try," Cas rested his head on Dean's shoulder, "hey...Dean?"

Dean kissed the top of Cas' head, "hm?" he let his lips linger, as he breathed in the familiar, fading scent of Cas' floral shampoo.

"If your friends know about us, does that mean we don't have to tone it down?" Cas shifted so he could nuzzle Dean's neck, brushing his lips against the sensitive skin.

Dean shivered as Cas started ghosting kisses up his neck, "you want to make out in front of the gang?" Dean quipped, his breath hitching as Cas ran his hand up his leg, stopping just shy of his upper thigh. He didn't know where this was headed, but Cas was never like this, so, he was just going to go with it.

"I just don't want to hide here," Cas turned Dean's head, pressing their foreheads together. He grinned, "I want everyone to know you're mine," his eyes darted to Dean's lips.

Dean noticed Cas hesitating, so he closed the distance, gingerly letting their lips meet. Cas returned the kiss instantly, leaning into Dean, until Dean broke the kiss to scoot onto the bed. He laid back against the pillows, his breathing a little uneven as Cas crawled over, looking unsure of himself for a split second before crushing his lips against Dean's again. 

Cas' sudden boost of confidence caught Dean off guard; he half expected to taste blood with how hard Cas lunged at him. It wasn't a bad thing. Dean had waited months for Cas to stop being so passive. He wanted this, and he could tell by Cas' eagerness, that he wanted it too. 

Dean groped the front of Cas' t-shirt, pulling the smaller man closer, as he sat up, breaking the kiss again, "where the hell did that come from?" he asked, breathless and a little disoriented from the impromptu makeout session.

Cas' cheeks were flushed and his pupils were blown wide, "I...don't know," he stole another kiss, still smiling, "I guess I thought since this is our new place..."

Dean raised a quizzical eyebrow, "I thought you wanted it to be special?"

Cas rolled his eyes, "your friends are coming over. I'd rather not be caught with my pants down. First impressions, you know?" he smirked at Dean, "I just meant we could...uh..." he bit his lip, looking to be at a loss for words.

Dean caught Cas' meaning, and grinned broadly, "Castiel Novak, are you trying to ask for a blow-"

"Don't ruin it," Cas interrupted, covering his face, visibly embarrassed, "forget I even said anything," he moved to get up.

Dean reached for Cas' arm, "wait. Come here," he moved and lightly pushed Cas down on the mattress, "you don't have to be shy with me," he ran his index finger down the front of Cas' shirt, "tell me what you want," he looked down at him, trying to read Cas' thoughts, even though he never could in the past. It couldn't hurt to try. He wished he knew what was on Cas' mind.

"I can't...I, oh god," Cas sighed, closing his eyes again, "I've never...you know..."

Dean laughed airily, "you know, you're gorgeous when you're all worked up," he casually played with the button on Cas' jeans. Not undoing it, just teasing. Dean loved seeing Cas flustered; it was so dramatic and hilarious- the shyness is what lured him and and hooked him from the beginning.

"I'm sure," Cas' attention was on Dean's fingers, threatening to unbutton his pants.

In a swift movement, Dean undid the button, leaving the zipper alone for now, "is this okay?" he asked, when Cas inhaled sharply. Cas' eyes were transfixed on Dean's hand, but he nodded, and Dean slowly pulled the zipper down, "tell me if you want to stop, alright?"

"I'm fine," Cas breathed, as Dean ran his fingers over the rapidly growing semi, now much more obvious with his pants undone.

Dean teased Cas, only a thin fabric barrier between him and the sensitive flesh. He was mesmerized by Cas' reactions to, what Dean hoped, was pleasure. Every soft moan and range of facial expressions were irresistible; Dean wrapped his hand around Cas' length and leaned down to kiss him, rubbing his thumb over the dampness on Cas' boxers.

Cas groaned into the kiss, his hips bucking as his hands grabbed at the blankets. He opened his mouth slightly, which Dean took as encouragement, flicking his tongue against Cas' lip, "please, Dean," he mumbled gruffly, a low moan escaping as Dean slid his hand into Cas' boxers. 

Cas' skin was warm in Dean's hand. He got goosebumps at the closeness, gingerly closing his hand around Cas' cock, feeling him shudder as he moved his hand, slowly, along the length, playfully stroking, "is this good?" Dean murmured against Cas' lips, keeping the pace painfully slow, and grinning into the kiss when Cas groaned again.

Dean felt a jolt of excited anticipation through his entire body. Cas was so close to completely letting himself go; Dean could see is in he was Cas moved and babbled nonsensically. It was the first time they'd gone back innocent kissing and Dean was sure he'd lose it just as the sight of Cas coming undone.

"Dean," Cs grunted, "I'm...I think-"

Dean picked up speed, biting his lip as he watched Cas' breathing go ragged; he was so close, "just let go, Cas," he whispered, peppering kisses along his jaw, "it's okay. I'm here."

"I'm..." Cas inhaled sharply, "fuck-"

Just as Cas came, the door swung open, and a thin girl, with long brown hair, strolled in, "Dean-o! You're back!" she froze, "well, fuck."

"Shit," Dean grabbed a pillow and gave it to Cas, "dammit, Ruby, are you ever going to learn how to knock?" he asked, raising an eyebrow, trying not to freak out that Cas had literally met Benny's girlfriend, with his pants down.

Cas sat up and covered himself with the pillow, making Ruby laugh, "oh, don't cover up because I just caught you two hand-jobbing it up," she folded her arms, smirking, "you must be Cas."

Cas looked frazzled as he answered, "I would get up to shake your hand-"

"Ew, please don't," Ruby winked at Cas, "I'm Ruby. I'd say it's a pleasure, but it looks like you two are hogging all the pleasure in here."

Dean's heart was still racing. He'd have to apologize to Cas later for Ruby, "Ruby's a stripper so she's not shy at all," he said to Cas, smiling apologetically.

"That's 'exotic dancer' to you, Winchester," Ruby leaned against the door frame, "so, are you two going to join the party, or will you be dry humping like a couple of preteens for the night?" she snickered, "Looks like you need to take care of a little something there, Dean."

"Like you've never seen a boner in your line of work," Dean could feel his cheeks burning, but he had to stay strong for Cas, who still looked like a deer in headlights. He wouldn't let Ruby embarrass him- they had sarcastic friendship that, in the short time they'd known each other, consisted of trying to render the other speechless.

"I'm a stripper, not a whore," Ruby retorted.

"You mean exotic dancer," Cas chimed in.

Ruby barked out a laugh, "I like him," she grinned at Cas, "Chuck, Ash and Lisa are coming over, so don't hole yourselves up here all night," she turned to leave, but paused, "also, pizza. Just saying," she shut the door.

Dean and Cas let out a collective sigh, "so, that's Benny's girlfriend," Dean reached over and grabbed his box of tissues, offering them to Cas before grabbing a couple, to wipe his hand off, "she's like that all the time."

"I like her," Cas said, zipping up his jeans, "she reminds me of Gabriel's girlfriend."

"Meg? Damn, you're right. They're probably be best friends," Dean laughed, "isn't Meg from Cali?"

"Los Angeles," Cas' eyes flickered to Dean's lap, "do you think we'll be interrupted again?"

"Most likely," Dean half-smiled, "it's cool. I'll just hit the bathroom before we join the fiesta," it wouldn't be the first time he had to get himself off in a bathroom before a social gathering. Though, the thought of Cas' hands and mouth crossed his mind and he knew which method of getting off he'd prefer.

By the time Dean and Cas joined Benny and Ruby, there was already of bottle of whiskey sitting out on the coffee table. Benny, who was sitting on the couch with Ruby, looked up as they walked into the room, "you look like you just ran a marathon, Dean," he mused, chuckling to himself before offering the bottle to Dean.

"Well, since Ruby still hasn't learned to knock, I had to, you know," Dean shrugged, "the bathroom is the only room that locks," he added, smirking at Ruby as he took the whiskey.

"You get so pissed off when I don't knock. It's adorable. I can't help myself," Ruby said innocently, her lips quirking into a snide smile.

"Maybe you should invest in a lock then, brother," Benny glanced at Ruby, "and, sweetheart, you need to play nice with my flatmates, okay?"

Ruby rolled her eyes dramatically, "I'm sorry I walked in on you jerking off your boyfriend," she said, unapologetic, a grin still evident on her face.

Dean took a seat on the other couch, habitually putting his arm around Cas, "I know you're not sorry, Ruby," Dean snorted, taking a pull right from the bottle, "But I'll let it slide this time," he handed to booze to Ruby, as if it were a peace offering.

"What a gentleman," Ruby said sarcastically, turning her attention to Cas, "you're shy, aren't you?"

"Being caught in a compromising position doesn't help either," Cas said, his cheeks flushing pink.

Dean bumped a kiss on Cas' cheek, "we'll just have to be sneaky from now on," he whispered, making Cas laugh.

Before anyone could reply, there was a knock on the door. Benny got up to answer it, receiving a shameless ass-grab from Ruby, as he stepped over her legs, that were propped up on the coffee table. 

Ruby looked from Dean to Cas, "so, how did you two meet?"

"We had a couple of classes together in high school," Dean relaxed a little, his arm still draped around Cas, "I walked in on the first day of school, and saw him trying not to draw attention to himself in the back of our English class," he smiled to himself, feeling nostalgic, "there was something about him-"

"Dean motherfucking Winchester!" A thin man, with a mullet, strolled into the room, tailed by Benny, a shorter guy with messy hair and stubble, and a pretty woman with dark hair.

"Ash, my man," Dean reluctantly got up to greet everyone, "guys, this is Cas," he said, after a round of hugs and several claps on the back, "Cas, this is Ash, Chuck and Lisa."

Cas smiled shyly, "nice to meet all of you," he scooted over on the couch so Dean and Ash could sit down. 

Lisa sat next to Ruby and Chuck pulled up a bean bag chair, "so, what did we miss?" Lisa asked, helping herself to some whiskey.

"Dean-o was just telling me how he and Cas met," Ruby leaned forward and opened the table drawer, pulling out a baggie of what Dean assumed was weed, "hey, Shurley, I need some drugs, man," she said, looking at Chuck.

Chuck reached in his pocket and tossed a joint in Ruby's direction, "give that a try," he said coolly, "that's some fine Panama Red."

Dean glanced at Cas, sitting awkwardly next to him. He knew Cas wasn't into drugs, and he cursed himself for not mentioning the pot thing ahead of time. Maybe Cas would loosen up and get a secondhand high, he thought, smelling the skunky smoke as soon as Ruby lit up.

It didn't take long for the small gathering to turn into a party. Benny put on one of his blues records as a second joint was being passed around, and the moonshine, that Ash brought, was being poured into shot glasses. 

Dean wasn't a huge pot smoker. But, every now and then he enjoyed partaking. The first few times he passed on taking a hit, because of Cas, but an idea hit him. Maybe if Cas saw him letting loose, he would relax a little and have fun. Dean felt bad that Cas had hardly spoken to anyone since arriving. 

Ash handed the joint to Dean and after a quick glance at Cas, he took a long hit before handing it to Chuck. He blew a cloud of smoke out and almost instantly felt any and all stress he had melt away, at least until he saw Cas frowning, "what?" he asked, taking one of the shots of moonshine.

"I didn't realize you smoked," Cas mumbled, looking at the untouched shot glass on the table.

Dean immediately regretted his 'brilliant' idea. He sighed, tossing back the moonshine, shuddering as it burned all the way down his throat, "at least it isn't coke," he put the shot glass down and took the full one, handing it to Cas, "I think you need to loosen up."

Cas looked at the liquor, "you want me to get drunk?"

"I want you to stop having a shitty time before you're so used to having a sibling breathing down your neck," Dean was handed the joint again and took another hit, "I'm not going to tell Gabe if you have one night of getting totally fucked up."

"Yeah, Cas, live a little," Ruby interjected, as she counted out her money, "booze and weed aren't the worst things you could be putting into your body."

"Ruby's right, brother," Benny said, his eyes lidded, "you're amongst friends. Have some fun."

"I won't force you to drink or smoke, Cas, but you look fucking miserable," Dean complained, feeling a little spacy and drunk, "I just want you to have some fun for once. You deserve it."

"You promise you won't call Gabriel?" Cas half-smiled, and Dean saw the look in Cas' eyes that meant he was debating on taking the shot.

"Cross my heart," Dean poured himself another shot, "so?"

Cas raised his shot glass to Dean's, clinking them together, "cheers," he downed the shot, cringing instantly, "shit," he choked, "this tastes like fire."

"That's the point, man," Ash laughed, "that moonshine has been stewing since before my first tour in 'Nam."

"Ash did two tours of duty in Vietnam," Dean elaborated, taking his shot, "he's the craziest motherfucker I've ever met," he added, enjoying the slow burn of the moonshine.

"You were in Vietnam?" Cas asked, wide-eyed.

Dean had almost forgotten about Cas' parents. He felt a pang of unease; mentioning Vietnam might not have been a grand idea, but if Cas was upset, he wasn't showing it, so Dean relaxed a little. 

"Twice," Ash grinned, "I was the best damn sharp-shooter my battalion ever had."

"My father was in Vietnam," Cas said quietly, eying the joint that Ash was hitting.

"He make it back to the states?" Ash asked, offering the spliff to Cas.

"No," Cas examined the joint, "there were no remains to send home."

Ash's smile faded, "shit, man. I'm sorry," he looked apologetic, "what was his name?"

"Novak. Jim Novak," Cas took a small drag off the less-than-legal cigarette, a coughing fit hitting him instantly.

"Easy, Cas," Dean rubbed Cas' back, shocked to see his borderline straight-edge boyfriend smoking pot and talking about Vietnam, "little puffs," he chuckled.

"Jimmy Novak is your dad?" Ash looked surprised, "Like, funny-ass Jimmy Novak?"

"You...you knew my dad?" Cas stared at Ash, looking bewildered.

"Let me tell you about that crazy son of a bitch," Ash reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a flask, taking a sip, "I met your dad on my first tour, when I was 18. He'd already been there four months, and the first thing he told me was to not get myself killed. Best piece of advice I got there," he paused, "that and the stuff about not letting my feet rot off in the rain."

Everyone in the room had stopped all conversation to listen to Ash. Dean hadn't known Ash long, but one thing he did know is that when Ash told war stories, everyone listened. They were fascinating.

"I guess Jim's advice worked," Dean said, smiling.

"It only worked because he saved my ass during an air raid," Ash looked at Cas, "your dad was a hero."

"Were you there when he..." Cas' voice trailed off. Dean grabbed his hand, squeezing is reassuringly. 

Ash frowned suddenly, "no," he shook his head sadly, rolling up his pant leg to reveal a circular scar, "I got myself shot and he pulled me to safety...it was so fucking chaotic and he was so level-headed," for the first time since Dean met him, Ash looked pained, "a lot of good men died that day...your dad must have been one of them," he closed his eyes, sighing, "crazy bastard wanted to save everyone..."

"The army didn't know what happened to him," Cas' voice was trembling, "they said the entire troop was missing."

"Missing," Ash laughed without humor, "with all the motherfucking napalm dropped that day, it's a miracle anyone's remains were found."

Cas was thoughtful for a moment, "I'm sorry you had to live through that, Ash," he said slowly, "but...for what it's worth, I have closure now. Thank you."

Ash handed his flask to Cas, "you look like you need a drink," he reached for the bottle of whiskey for himself, "I didn't realize you didn't know how your dad...you know."

Cas sighed, leaning against Dean, "it's fine...I just wish my mother had known."

Ash glanced as Dean, his eyes questioning, but Dean shook his head. The room was silent for several minutes; Dean could have sworn he saw tears in Ruby's eyes. That is, until Cas chuckled, causing everyone to look at him.

"What's so funny?" Dean asked, cautiously smiling.

"I really have an uncanny ability to ruin social gatherings," Cas took a long pull off the flask before handing it back to Ash, "sorry about that..."

"Apologizing for life is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard," Ruby got up and walked over to Cas, wrapping her arms around him, "shit, I never get emotional over Ash's war stories-"

"You're never emotional. Period," Benny snickered.

"Babe, are you calling me a bitch?" Ruby asked, turning to Benny, feigning offense.

"He sure as hell ain't calling you a nun," Ash laughed.

"Oh, ha ha, very funny. Let's all make fun of the stripper for having feelings," she rolled her eyes, looking at Cas again, "well, I think we need to cheer Cas up after that."

"Jam session!" Chuck chimed in, looking excited.

"What about pizza?" Lisa got up, "Rubes, want to come?" she headed toward the door, Ruby close in tow.

"So...no jam session?" Chuck looked a little disappointed, "my bongos are out in the car..."

"I like live music," Cas said, smiling, "Dean, you haven't played your guitar in so long."

"You play guitar?" Benny asked, looking excited, "I'm a bassist, looking for a band."

"What about a bongo player?" Chuck asked.

"I think guitar, bass and bongos would make for an interesting sound," Dean mused. He had almost forgotten about his guitar. It had been months since he'd played it. Currently it was buried in the back of his van; it was one thing that was salvaged from the Impala after the accident back in December.

"You guys should form a band," Cas suggested, "Dean's biggest passion is music."

Dean felt himself blush, "oh, come on, Cas. I don't love music that much," he said, almost shy, "there are things I love way more."

"Like what?" Cas chuckled, taking a turn drinking from the communal whiskey bottle.

"You," Dean blurted out before he could stop himself. 

Cas opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again. Benny, Chuck and Ash exchanged looked before Benny spoke, "well, shit. You two are precious."

"Watch yourself, LaFitte," Dean's cheeks were on fire.

"I mean it, brother. It's refreshing to see such unabashed love," Benny said, sounding totally genuine, "maybe Ruby could learn a few pointers from ya'll. I love her, but 'assface' isn't really my idea of a romantic pet name."

"She calls you assface?" Dean almost laughed, but stopped himself.

"Sometimes," Benny chuckled, "her go-to affections are 'fucker' and 'pumpkin ass'."

"Pumpkin ass?" Ask burst out laughing, spitting moonshine across the coffee table, "I'm using that."

"Not if you don't want me calling you Ashley," Benny hurled a couch pillow at Ash.

"Ladies dig a man who's in touch with his feminine side, pumpkin ass," Ash swatted the pillow away, still snickering.

Dean leaned into Cas, "pity girls don't dig the mullet though," he whispered, making Cas snort and everyone else, including Ash, start laughing again, the story from Vietnam now just a memory. Dean watched Cas chat with everyone and couldn't help feeling happy. He was right. Everyone loved Cas, and Cas fit in just fine. It could only get better from here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like this fic? Feel free to leave kudos and comments. :)


	3. It's Getting Better All The Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a while, it's unclear how Dean and Cas will ever find their own place. They're happy, but money is dwindling. Dean's working insane hours at Benny's Auto Shop, and one day, a month after moving there, Cas tells Dean that he hasn't really been job hunting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for taking way too long to post an update, but I've been incredibly busy, then I went on vacation. Which was great because being out in the woods helped me write two brand-spanking-new chapters. The next one will be up as soon as I type it. 
> 
> ALSO. I will be flip-flopping points of view...I'll use brackets to show when I go from Cas to Dean. :)
> 
> Thank you so much for the support. I appreciate it. But, I should warn you, that if you decide to stick with this fic until the end, it will be unlike anything I've written in the past. There will be fluff, but this fic is going to have a tragic ending. I'm so sorry. I've known the ending since I started writing part one, and I can't change it now. I've come too far.
> 
> BUT, enjoy!

[Cas]

"Cas, you awake?" 

Dean's voice coaxed Cas out of his slumber; groaning, he covered his face with a pillow. This was, without a doubt, the most hungover he'd ever been. He had gotten carried away last night, but it was worth it. Despite finding out information about his dad, he was strangely cheerful. Though, waking up next to Dean could have attributed to that.

"C'mon Cas, I gotta get up," Dean murmured, pressing his lips to Cas' cheek.

"Five more minute," Cas opened one eye to peek at Dean, who looked as hungover as he felt.

"I'm already late," Dean climbed over Cas and got up, "you can sleep if you want. I'll be up the street at the shop," he pulled on last night's jeans and a black fitted t-shirt, "will you be okay here?"

Cas sat up, "when will you be home?" he asked, not really wanting Dean to leave at all.

Dean shrugged, toeing into his boots, "I'm working on this old Chevy and I have a tendency to lose track of time," he chuckled.

"Maybe I'll swing by later," Cas cracked his neck as he stretched, before climbing out of bed, "if that's okay," he touched Dean's hand, not wanting to intrude on Dean's alone time at work.

Dean grinned mischievously, "you just want to see me dirty and sweaty."

"I didn't say that," Cas stood up on his tip toes so he could kiss Dean, "but I wouldn't object to it," he added, winking, "have a nice day at work, Dean."

After Dean left for work, Cas had the flat to himself. He was glad because he didn't have a chance to explore it the previous night. He was familiar with the bathroom; Dean overdid it with the whiskey and was a little sick, so, naturally, Cas was, drunkenly, at his side.

Cas strolled into the kitchen, still in his boxers, and pawed through the cabinets for some coffee, to no avail, but remembered he now lived above a cafe. He pulled on the clothes he wore the night before and went downstairs.

The cafe was bustling with activity. Tables were occupied with all sorts of people, from yuppies to hippies and everyone in between. There was even some guy playing a guitar. Cas smiled to himself as he strolled up to the counter, where a woman with short, dark hair greeted him.

"So you're Dean's new roommate," she said, grinning, "Jodie Mills," she held her hand out.

Cas shook it, "Cas Novak," he said amicably, "how do you know Dean?"

"I own this cafe, and I'm your landlord," she leaned on the counter, "so, what can I get for you, Cas?"

Cas glanced over the menu, "hm..." he hadn't heard of half the drinks offered on it, "well...what would you recommend after a night of drinking?"

"That would be our frosty fog lifter," Jodie laughed, "I'll even throw in a shot of espresso for good measure."

"Sounds great," Cas knew what espresso was, and welcomed the boost of caffeine this morning.

When Jodie handed Cas a rather large cup of something iced, he dug in his pocket for his wallet, "how much do I owe you?"

"First one is on the house," Jodie winked at Cas, "best cup of coffee in town."

"That's a bold statement," Cas chuckled, taking a sip of the cold drink. He closed his eyes, savoring what was quite possibly the best iced coffee he had ever tasted.

"I know that look," Jodie mused, "our coffee is from Jamaica. Isn't is great?"

"This is the best coffee I've ever had," Cas said quietly, taking another sip, "I bet Dean could use one of these this morning."

"I'll fix him one," Jodie said, smiling, "how about a couple of our famous chocolate chip scones too?"

"Whatever you want. I trust you," Cas put his drink down and pulled a few dollars out of his wallet.

"You'd better put that money away, Cas. It's no good here," Jodie said, putting a second coffee and a bag on the counter, "breakfast is on me today."

"Then consider this a tip," Cas dropped the bills into the tip jar, "thanks, Jodie."

"Don't mention it," Jodie beamed at Cas, "the garage is just a block up that way," she said, pointing to the right, "tell Dean I hope this helps his hangover."

"Will do," Cas smiled before heading out of the cafe, in the direction Jodie pointed him.

It was sunny and mild as Cas strolled up the street toward Benny's auto shop. He couldn't help but smile as he walked. For the first time in his life, he felt free to do anything. No siblings to run his life, just him and Dean. He could do anything and no one could stop him.

"You found us," Benny said, waving at Cas as he ventured into the garage, "Dean's out back with the Chevy."

Cas thanked Benny as he walked to the back of the shop, peeking through the back door. He saw Dean's legs poking out from under the car; he was singing Billy Joel at the top of his lungs. Cas couldn't stop himself from laughing.

Dean stopped singing, "shove it, Benny. Bill Joel is fucking talented," he said gruffy, scooting out from under the car. His face lit up when he saw Cas, "I didn't realize you were here."

"Nice rendition of Piano Man," Cas chuckled, handing Dean the coffee, "that's from Jodie," he put his own coffee down on the work bench, "she also sent some scones."

"Jodie's a saint," Dean said, taking a long, appreciative sip of his coffee, "and you're the best for delivering it," he put his coffee down and pulled a rag out of his pocket to wipe the sweat off his face, "so, what are you up to today?" he pulled two chairs out and sat down, motioning for Cas to join him.

Cas grabbed his coffee and sat down, handing a scone to Dean, "I thought I'd hang here and maybe we could go out later," he took a bite of his scone, "I should get to know the area."

"Good idea," Dean agreed, nibbling at his scone, "you won't get bored watching me balls deep in this job all afternoon?"

"Will you be bent over the engine?" Cas asked, raising an eyebrow as he sipped his coffee.

"Yeah, and if you're not careful, I won't be the only one bent over," Dean said quietly, a wolfish grin on his face.

"In a filthy garage. How romantic," Cas rolled his eyes.

"I thought so," Dean smirked, finishing his scone, "I should get back to work before the overlord catches me taking a break."

"I heard that, Winchester," Benny called from the other room, laughing.

"I'm working real hard, Benny," Dean called back, "Cas can vouch for me."

"Dean is definitely not sitting around eating a scone and drinking coffee," Cas yelled, hearing Benny laugh again. 

"Dean, you can knock off for the day," Benny popped his head inside, "I'll even pay you."

"What?" Dean glanced at the Chevy he'd been working on, "but-"

"If you're half as hungover as I am, I don't want you touching that engine," Benny grinned, "take the afternoon off, brother. Show Cas around the neighborhood."

"Are you sure, man?" Dean got up.

"Get out of here," Benny nodded to the door, "just bring home some whiskey. We ran out."

Dean saluted Benny, "aye aye, captain," he grabbed Cas' hand and pulled him out of the garage, into the late morning sunshine.

Cas was ecstatic walking hand-in-hand with Dean as they headed down Ashbury Street. Dean pointed out a few shops and houses to Cas as they walked; they even caught up with Lisa as she was jogging to work.

"Lisa's a nurse," Dean said after Lisa was gone, "you'd never know it with the way that girl can handle her tequila," he added, nudging Cas, "how are you feeling?"

"About?" Cas pressed the crosswalk button.

"Everything, I guess," Dean smiled.

Cas was thoughtful for a minute before he spoke. He was feeling a lot of things- happiness, fear and even a touch of nausea, which he assumed was from the disgusting amount of alcohol he ingested the previous night, "despite being hungover...I think I'm happy."

"Happy is good," Dean squeezed Cas' hand, "naps cure hangovers. Do you want to go home?"

"A nap sounds great," Cas smiled tiredly. He wanted to see the city, but he also wanted nothing more than to sleep off this hangover. Their bed was a welcome sight, when they got home a few minutes later. 

Cas curled up next to Dean, relaxing as Dean hugged him closer, brushing a kiss on his forehead, "I'm glad you're here, Cas," he mumbled, clearly starting to doze off, "I promise we'll be happy."

Cas closed his eyes, "just promise you won't let me forget to call Anna and Gabe later," he laughed airily, "they must be worried."

Dean sat up, "you still haven't called them?" he asked, frowning. 

"I was a bit preoccupied," Cas sat up and folded his arms, "I forgot," he wasn't lying. Between the impromptu hand job and getting hammered on whiskey, calling home didn't even cross his mind.

Dean leaned across Cas and grabbed his phone off the night stand, "here, call them," he insisted, handing the receiver to Cas.

Cas groaned, "now?"

"Yes, now," Dean said, spin-dialing the number to Cas' old apartment.

Cas scowled at Dean as the other end started ringing. It picked up on the second ring.

_"What is it? I was busy with my lady."_

"Gabe?" Cas cleared his throat, "I can go if you're bu-"

_"Cassy!"_ Gabe's tone changed completely, _"It's good to finally hear from you, little bro,"_ he said excitedly, yelling for Anna to pick up the other line, _"how's San Fran?"_

"It's different," Cas admitted, "but I like it."

_"Cas?"_ Anna's voice chimed in.

"Hello, Anna," Cas smiled to himself, "how are you?"

_"Forget about me. What took you so long to call?"_ Anna asked sternly.

_"Him and Dean-o were probably christening their new abode,"_ Gabe snorted, _"Is he there now?"_

"Dean's right here," Can handed the phone to Dean, who barely managed a 'hello' before his eyes went wide and he covered his mouth to prevent himself from laughing. Cas could only imagine what his brother and sister were saying.

After a minute or two, Dean handed the phone back to Cas, "hello?"

_"Cas, you have a good man,"_ Anna said cheerfully, _"We won't keep you too long. I just wanted to wish you luck out there. I'd stay and chat, but I have to get to work."_

"Have a nice day," Cas said, swatting at Dean's hand, which was playing with the hem of his boxers.

_"Cassy, now that Anna's gone, we gotta chat,"_ Gabe said quietly, shutting a door on his end, _"I know you're hungover and judging by how raspy your voice is, you were probably smoking-"_

"Gabe, I-"

_"I'm not pissed,"_ Gabe continued, "I'd be a hypocrite if I was. But, bro, don't let the glamor of being high and shit ruin your life," he paused, _"just...don't do anything stupid, okay?"_

Cas could hear the fear in Gabe's voice, but he kind of enjoyed the feeling of not being sober. Being high or drunk made him feel confident and happy, and he knew that if offered again, he'd say yes, "it was a one time thing," he told Gabe, not fully believing himself, "I just went a little nuts because I've never been on my own before. You know me, Gabe."

_"Yeah, I do,"_ Gabe sighed, _"just be careful, okay?"_

"Okay, Gabe," Cas rolled his eyes, glad Gabe couldn't see him.

_"Now give the phone back to Dean,"_ Gabe insisted.

"He wants to talk to you again," Cas handed the phone back to Dean/

"Hello?" Dean looked reluctant for a moment, but nodded as he listened to whatever Gabe was saying to him, "you got it, buddy," he listened again, chuckling, "too much information, dude," he snorted, "yeah, yeah, yeah...tell Meg we say hi," he laughed again before saying goodbye and hanging up, "your brother is a handful."

"That's putting it mildly," Cas put the phone back on the night stand, "what did he say to you?"

"He mostly threatened to castrate me if anything happens to you," Dean shrugged, "you know, that usual."

"Forget him," Cas kissed Dean's shoulder, "nothing bad is going to happen to me as long as you're around."

* * *  
[Dean]

Over the next few weeks, Dean picked up more hours at the garage. Cas was still trying to figure out his plans, and told Dean he was still acclimating to life in California, so Dean didn't mind working extra hours. Of course, he wished he had more free time to spend with Cas. Most days Cas was at the garage, reading or writing, while Dean worked, but it just wasn't the same as spending quality alone time together. 

"Hey, Dean?" Cas asked one afternoon, about a month after they'd moved to California.

Dean glanced at Cas, "what's up?" he wiped his forehead on his sleeve before going back to work. He hadn't gotten more than four hours of sleep per night in over a week. He was exhausted, and grumpy. 

"I just..." Cas sighed, "never mind."

Dean wasn't in the mood for Cas being cryptic, "Cas, I'm really tired. If something's bugging you, just spit it out," he said harsher than he meant to, as he tightened a screw on the engine of the '69 Ford he'd been slaving over for two days. 

"I'm sorry I'm useless," Cas said quietly.

Dean heard Cas get up, "where you are going?" he asked, turning around to lean on the car.

Cas shrugged, looking down at the oil-stained concrete floor, "somewhere I can be useless alone," he mumbled.

"Cas..." Dean's expression softened as he crossed to Cas, "I'm sorry I snapped at you...I'm just...I'm freaking exhausted," he wiped his hand on his jeans before touching Cas' cheek, "I know you're trying. Things will work out."

Cas still didn't look at Dean, "that's what I wanted to talk to you about," he chewed his lip, risking a glance at Dean, "I...haven't been job hunting."

Dean kept his expression stoic, feeling anger bubbling up inside him. Cas lied about job hunting, and Dean wondered what else he'd been lying about. He closed his eyes, "what have you been doing then?" he asked, trying to keep his voice calm and collected.

"Please don't be mad," Cas pleaded, pulling a pamphlet out of his pocket and handing it to Dean, "I want to write, Dean...I talked to the admissions director already-"

"You want to go to college?" Dean felt the anger totally dissipate. He was half expecting this to be the 'I'm depressed and want to leave California' discussion. He smiled, "why would I be mad about that?"

"You seem to always be mad lately," Cas said sheepishly, "and college is expensive...I guess I thought you'd flip out."

"I'd be a total dick if I refused to let you go to college," Dean kissed the tip of Cas' nose. Sure, he had no idea how the hell they were going to afford it, but if Cas wanted to go to college, Dean was going to make it happen. They'd made it work. They always did, "we'll figure it out."

"The admissions director said I could get scholarships and stuff, so it wouldn't cost anything until after I graduate," Cas said, finally smiling, "once I get my degree, I'll get a job and we'll be set."

"I guess everything is finally coming together," Dean looped his arms around Cas' waist, pulling him closer, "my man is going to college. How lucky am I?" he was so proud of Cas, and couldn't stop himself from stealing a kiss, still getting goosebumps after all this time.

"Not as lucky as me," Cas caressed Dean's cheek, "thank you, Dean."

Dean leaned into Cas' touch, letting his eyes close, "for what?" he smiled, feeling Cas' lips on his again.

"Everything," Cas whispered, pressing their lips together again, before stepping away, "I have an appointment at the college in an hour, so I should go."

Dean folded his arms, smirking, "you had this all planned out, didn't you?" he asked, amused. Cas never ceased to surprise him.

"I had several plans," Cas admitted, "one for each of your potential reactions."

"Oh?" Dean laughed, "I have to ask about the plans now," he was genuinely curious.

"If you got upset, I was going to hitchhike back to Heaven Hills," Cas half-smiled, "it's not much of a plan, but I figured you'd be happy about me wanting to further my education."

"You know me too well," Dean mused, winking at Cas, "so, what's this meeting about?"

"Whether I've been accepted or not," Cas bit his lip, looking nervous, "I don't know what I'll do if I'm denied."

"We'll deal with it then," Dean kissed Cas' forehead, "but, with grades like yours, they'd be stupid not to accept you," he didn't understand why Cas always thought he was worthless; Dean had lost track of the amount of times Cas failed to see the good in himself. It was heartbreaking and frustrating to Dean, because to him, Cas was perfect.

"I hope you're right," Cas hugged Dean, burying his face into Dean's work-tarnished shirt, before letting him go, "what time will you be home tonight?" he asked, trying to flatten his disheveled hair.

"Early enough to take my collegiate boyfriend out to dinner," Dean grinned at Cas, "good luck, handsome."

***

[Cas]

"So, tell me, Mr. Novak, what is it that attracted you to this college?" a middle-aged man with an English accent, asked.

Cas shifted nervously, "your English program is unrivaled," he stopped, looking down at his lap, hating his fear of interviews and general situations that involved needing charisma he sorely lacked, "look," he said after an awkward silence, "I want to write," he glanced up, "and I think your college could help me."

"I appreciate your honesty," the man smiled, "on behalf of the college, I'd like to offer you a spot in our fall class."

Cas gasped, covering his mouth to stop himself from screaming, "you...you mean it?" he asked excitedly, his eyes wide.

"And, because your transcript is so impressive, I'd like to offer you a scholarship that would waive all tuition fees," the man continued, "what do you say, Castiel?"

"This is too good to be true," Cas felt like he was going to cry. Finally, he felt like his life was getting on track, "I accept," he shook the man's hand, "thank you, Dr. Balthazar."

Dr. Balthazar chuckled, "you're quite welcome. Just be sure to leave your address with my secretary, so we can send you your acceptance packet."

"I will. Thank you again, sir," Cas was shaking as he left the office, after jotting down his address for the secretary. Not even the dreary, rainy afternoon could dampen Cas' spirits as he practically skipped back to the garage, unable to wait to tell Dean.

"Well, don't you look like a dog with two dicks," Ash said as Cas walked in, a smile still on his face.

"What?" Cas stopped, cocking his head to the side.

"You look happy, man," Ash laughed, "Dean said you had a college interview. I take it it went well?"

Cas nodded, "I need to tell Dean."

"You just missed him," Ash pulled a cigarette out of his shirt and lit it, "he left about fifteen minutes ago to grab a shower."

"I should head home then," Cas knew if he stuck around, Ash would start talking about Vietnam, as always, and Cas wouldn't have the heart to leave. He liked Ash's war stories. Particularly the ones that involved his father, which Ash had plenty of.

"See you around, man. Congrats on the college thing," Ash waved at Cas as he left.

The apartment was only a five minute walk from the garage, but it felt like it took so much longer. Cas waved at Jodie as he crossed through the coffee shop, almost tripping up the stairs. He walked into the apartment, hearing the shower running, and Dean singing Led Zeppelin. 

Gingerly, Cas opened the bathroom door, closing it behind him, "Dean?"

Dean peeked out from behind the shower curtain, "since when do you come in the bathroom when I'm bare-assed?" he asked, raising an eyebrow, a small smile playing his lips.

"Since I got accepted into college and couldn't wait until you finished showering," Cas blurted out, beaming.

Dean shut the water and quickly wrapped a towel around his waist before lunging at Cas, hugging him, "I'm so proud of you."

"You're soaked," Cas complained jokingly, laughing as Dean pressed a wet kiss to his cheek, "and, now I'm soaked," he grabbed Dean's face, pulling him into a proper kiss. 

Dean held Cas against his chest, returning the kiss until Cas pulled away, still smiling, "I haven't seen you this happy in weeks," Dean couldn't help smiling. He was happy because Cas was happy.

"Everything is finally coming together," Cas sighed happily, "we're one step closer to our own place...just us," suddenly Cas felt like he was going to cry again. He truly couldn't remember the last time he'd been so giddy. Well, other than the time Dean surprised the hell out of him at graduation back in May. But this was even better. Everything was good now. In two years he'd have his associate's degree and could find a job writing, or maybe he'd publish a book. The sky was the limit, and at this point, Cas was positive that if he tried hard enough, he'd reach the stars. Nothing could stop him now.


	4. Coke...Like The Soda?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of summer is here. Cas is getting ready to start college, and Dean is proud of him. Cas meets Fergus MacLeod, who calls himself Crowley, at an impromptu end of summer party, and is surprised to run into him in the public speaking class he's been dreading. What he doesn't expect is hitting it off with someone who's vice is something his brother warned him about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important: this chapter has explicit (kind of) drug use, and there will be mentions of drug use in following chapters. So. There's that, if you're against it, maybe this fic isn't for you. Drug use will not be a major part of the plot, but this isn't the only chapter that will involve it. 
> 
> Also: nudity. Not super descriptive nudity, but nudity. Because I needed some awkward Destiel fluff before I write chapter 5. :3
> 
> You've been warned. Enjoy.

[Cas]

In the weeks leading up to the fall semester, Cas saw very little of Dean. He spent as much time as he could with him, but it was hard when Dean was working a minimum of twelve hours a day, every day. Dean insisted he was fine, but Cas knew he was on the verge of a mental breakdown. He practically begged Dean to take the last day of his summer break off. Begrudgingly, Dean agreed.

That morning, Cas woke to Dean snoring softly, an arm draped around Cas' waist. Smiling, Cas tried loosening Dean's grip, so he could get up and surprise him with breakfast in bed. Dean groaned and let go of Cas, rolling over onto his stomach before starting to snore again.

Cas padded into the kitchen and whipped up a batch of buttermilk pancakes, humming to himself as he did so. There weren't many things Cas was confident cooking, but he was almost cocky about his ability to make pancakes. 

After piling a few pancakes onto a plate, Cas took the serving platter (which was actually a tray from the Heaven Hills High cafeteria) and placed the syrup and butter, along with everything else Dean would need for breakfast, and brought it back to the bedroom. Dean was still fast asleep when Cas sat down on the bed, "rise and shine, sleeping beauty," Cas murmured.

"Sleeping," Dean's voice was muffled by the pillow he was hugging to his face.

"I made pancakes," Cas said sweetly, laughing when Dean sat up.

"You...made pancakes?" Dean's eyes lit up, "For me?"

Cas handed the platter to Dean, "yes, for you," he got up and shut the door before rejoining Dean, "I thought you deserved breakfast in bed on your day off."

Dean smiled at Cas, "I love you," he said, making room for Cas to sit next to him.

Cas sidled up to Dean, "you only love me for my pancakes," he quipped, taking a sip of the orange juice he'd poured for Dean.

"I love you for other stuff too," Dean smeared butter and syrup all over the pancakes and took a bite, "but these are definitely a plus," he added with my mouth stuff.

"Oh yeah?" Cas cringed at Dean talking with his mouth full, "I don't love when you talk with your mouth full."

Dean laughed and fed a bite of pancake to Cas, kissing the syrup that he accidentally smudged on his lips, "I love when you get irritated about silly things," he mused, "the face you make...you know, the one with the eyebrow scrunch," he took a sip of orange juice, "adorable."

Cas rolled his eyes, "I love when you suck up to me when I get irritated," he retorted, smirking, "because you're so corny," he chuckled. In actuality, he loved when Dean was cheesy and sweet. It was like being in the middle of a fairy tale or something. 

"Corny?" Dean finished his pancakes, putting the tray down next to him so he could turn to Cas, "I'm not corny," he nipped at Cas' ear, "I prefer the term debonnaire." 

"Doesn't matter what you call it, it's still cheesy," Cas laughed, looking at Dean, "Dean Wincheeseter."

Dean snorted, "you're in a good mood."

"I get to spend my last day of summer with my boyfriend. How could I be in a bad mood?" Cas laced his fingers with Dean's, "you know what I want to do today?"

"Anything you want," Dean squeezed Cas' hand, "tell me."

"I want to lay in bed with you," Cas rested his head on Dean's shoulder, "it's been so long since we've had real quality time together...I miss you," Cas sighed, "I never see you." 

"I see you every day," Dean shifted so he could lay back down.

Cas curled up next to Dean, "but you're always so tired...you haven't been yourself."

"I know," Dean closed his eyes, absentmindedly playing with Cas' hair, "I'm just trying to make as much money as I can to help you pay for books and stuff."

Cas felt guilty. He didn't have a job and his bank account was dwindling, when Dean was working himself ragged to make sure Cas had everything he needed. Cas frowned, "stop worrying about me," he said sternly, "you need to take care of yourself."

"Cas, really, I'm-"

"Don't say fine," Cas touched Dean's cheek; it was stubblier than usual, "I know you're not."

"I don't have a choice. We need money."

"All I need is you," Cas whispered, stroking the stubble on Dean's cheek, "I'd be happy living in a box, as long as it was with you. At least then you wouldn't be too tired to function from trying to put me through college," Cas knew that if Dean said the word, he'd drop out of college. Dean always put Cas ahead of himself, and it drove Cas insane. Cas never worried about himself because he was always so concerned about Dean's well-being, which usually caused arguments. Cas couldn't help but wonder if it was possible to care too much about someone. Love was stressful.

"We're not going to live in a box, Cas," Dean hugged Cas to his chest, "I promise things will get better."

"If you don't start taking at least one day off from work each week, I'm not going to college," Cas said stubbornly. He wasn't going to negotiate.

"Every other week," Dean argued.

"Every week," Cas said calmly," and that's non-negotiable."

Dean sighed, defeated, "and I suppose you're going to make sure Benny knows I'm only allowed to work six days a week?"

"Of course," Cas pressed a kiss to Dean's throat, "he'll make sure you don't overwork yourself," he mumbled, ghosting his lips along Dean's collar bone, "he's been worried about you too."

"I like working," Dean said petulantly, "I don't know why I need time off."

"Oh, I don't know," Cas shifted so he could drag his lips down Dean's chest, "you could always spend your days off with me," Cas raised an eyebrow, feeling uncharacteristically bold as he played with the waistband of Dean's pajama pants, "I don't have classes on weekends, you know, if you wanted to take Saturdays off," he glanced up at Dean, who was transfixed on his hand. 

"We have the apartment to ourselves until five on Saturdays," Dean mused, his eyes not leaving Cas' hand.

Cas pulled at the bow tying the pants, "I know," he undid the knot easily and smiled when Dean's breath hitched, "that's why I suggested it," he looked at the tent forming in Dean's pajamas and lightly touched the tip, soliciting a low grown from Dean.

"I'll take Saturdays off," Dean breathed, inhaling sharply as Cas touched him again.

"Good," Cas sat up and scooted off the bed, "I'm going to shower."

"What?" Dean choked, staring at Cas in disbelief, "I thought we were..."

"I said I was going to take a shower," Cas said, giving Dean a suggestive look, nodding toward the bathroom. It was the last day of his old life. Tomorrow would start a new chapter, and Cas was feeling confident, "since it's the only door that locks in the apartment," Cas winked, hoping Dean was catching on.

"Uh," Dean's eyes grew wide, "oh... _OH_. A _shower_ ," he returned the wink.

Cas grinned and ducked out of the room, thankful Benny and Ruby weren't around for the time being. He went into the tiny bathroom, leaving the door open a hair. A moment later, Dean opened the door and shut it behind him, locking it. Cas was still fully dressed, but he felt his heart racing. What was he doing? He could feel his confidence dissipating, "hello, Dean," was all he could manage as he cheeks ignited.

Dean must have picked up on Cas' reticence, because he crossed to Cas, wrapping his arms around his waist, "hey, Cas," he murmured, sliding his hand under Cas' shirt.

Cas shivered at the sudden skin-on-skin contact, "I...I don't know what I was insinuating a minute ago," he said quietly, frowning to himself, unable to look at Dean. He wished his moods wouldn't switch on him like this- horny and bold one minute, and awkwardly shy the next...it happened constantly and Cas couldn't control it, "I thought I wanted..." he shook his head, unable to explain.

Dean gently tilted Cas' chin up so he could look at him, "tell me," he said softly, giving Cas a quick peck on the lips, "what do you want?"

"I don't know," Cas said sadly, and it was true. He wanted Dean in everything fathomable way he could think of, and it was impossible to explain. It wasn't even about sex. Hell, sex terrified him, but he wanted and craved that kind of closeness with Dean...just without the whole not being able to sit for a week thing. Not yet, anyway.

Dean reached behind Cas and turned the shower on, "I want to try something."

"Dean, I'm not-"

"Not that," Dean chuckled, "I just want to try something and if you don't like it, I'll back off," Dean fiddled with Cas' shirt, tugging it up over his head, "is this alright?"

Cas nodded, watching Dean drop the shirt on the floor, "I'm still a-"

"Cas, I'm not fucking you in Benny's shower," Dean said bluntly, "baby steps, okay?" he pulled down his pajama bottoms, revealing a pair of Batman boxers.

"Nice shorts," Cas snickered, caught off guard by the ostentatious pair of underwear, "I'm sure Adam West would approve."

"And you bitch at me for ruining moments," Dean complained, folding his arms, looking even more ridiculous, which made Cas laugh again, "I'm going back to bed," Dean turned to leave.

"Dean, wait," Cas didn't mean to offend Dean, he just didn't expect Batman boxers, "mine are worse."

Dean turned to look at Cas again, "what?"

Cas sighed and pulled his sweatpants down, leaving him standing in the middle of the bathroom, wearing a pair of alarmingly pink boxers, "I didn't know you had to separate colors and whites and now all my whites are pink."

Dean's lips quirked into a smile, "pink's a good color on you," he took a step toward him, "but it would look better on the floor."

Cas was blushing, "Dean, I..." he didn't know what to say. He wanted to say something about Batman and pink would make a great combination on the floor, but he couldn't bring himself to actually say the words. He had never seen Dean without clothes on, and he'd always had at least boxers on around Dean. Cas hated how vulnerable being nude made him feel, but, for some reason, he didn't feel threatened as Dean carefully slid his thumbs under the waistband of his boxers.

"If you need me to stop," Dean slowly pulled the shorts down until they dropped to the floor, "just tell me."

Cas closed his eyes, concentrating on his breathing, as Dean took his hand and guided it to his boxers. Running his fingers over the soft waistband, Cas opened his eyes to look at Dean, who locked eyes with him, wordlessly telling him that everything was okay. Cas started tugging down Dean's shorts, but stopped, "Dean...are you sure this is-"

"We're fine," Dean helped Cas pull off the boxers, kicking them off, "come here," he pulled Cas into a hug, lightly tracing shapes on the sensitive skin of his back.

Cas' heart was pounding in his ear, but he slowly started to relax in Dean's embrace, wrapping his arms around him. He'd never felt so close to another person, and he wanted to say something, but there were no words for it, other than the three he'd used so many times before, "I love you," he whispered, hoping Dean wouldn't notice the tears in his eyes. 

"You're shaking," Dean steered Cas to the shower, "it's nice and warm, come on," he stepped in and offered his hand to Cas.

Cas got into the shower and pulled the curtain shut, relaxing a bit more as the warm water trickled down his back. Finally, he looked at Dean, his eyes skimming over his body, pausing on a round scar on his hip. He reached out, instinctively, to touch it, but stopped, almost forgetting the Dean was naked, "that scar...what happened?"

"Never try wrestling a bebe gun from a drunk man," Dean said darkly, lacing his fingers with Cas'. 

"He shot you?" Cas clenched his jaw, hating John Winchester, if possible, even more. 

"It was an accident," Dean insisted, pulling Cas close again, "don't worry about him now."

"If he hurts you again, I'll kill him," Cas said, completely serious. He knew John didn't know where they were, but he was prepared to take drastic measures in order to protect Dean.

"He won't. We're both fine. Can we change the topic now?" Dean asked irritably.

"What do you want to talk about?" Cas asked, cocking his head to the side.

"I don't care. I just don't want to talk about my dad when I'm bare-assed in the shower with you, okay?" Dean rubbed his hands over his face, "it's weird."

"I guess it is, when you put it that way," Cas chuckled, "I could tell you what classes I'm taking this semester," he suggested, hoping to steer the awkward conversation to something a bit less awkward.

"Talk dirty to me," Dean snorted, rolling his eyes.

"What do you want me to say, Dean?" Cas asked, starting to get irritated, "I don't know what to talk about in the nude."

There was a loud knock on the bathroom door, "can you two have your domestic out here? I need to shower before Ruby gets here," Benny said nonchalantly.

Cas shut off the shower, handing a towel to Dean before wrapping one around his waist, "Benny really is cool with us," he noted, grabbing their clothes off the floor.

"I told you he was," Dean opened the door and grinned at Benny before strutting back to the bedroom.

Cas avoided Benny's gaze, padding back to the bedroom, shutting the door before tossing the clothes in a hamper, "I'm sorry that was so awkward," he opened the closet, pulling out a fresh pair of pajama pants, tugging them up under his towel before discarding the towel in the hamper.

"It wasn't that it was awkward...I just didn't expect you to be so...casual," Dean watched Cas pull a shirt on, "you acted like nudity was nothing major."

"I guess I just realized that clothes or not, you're still you," Cas shrugged, "I don't know why, but being around you is the only time I don't feel vulnerable when I'm naked," Cas felt his cheeks burning just mentioning nudity, even thought he was clearly too nonchalant about it around Dean.

"I envy you," Dean sat down on the bed, still in his towel, "believe it or not, I'm self conscious."

"I don't know why," Cas sat down next to Dean, "I mean...look at you," he smiled reassuringly, knowing that ever since the accident in December, Dean hadn't been as cocky and outgoing, which Cas attributed to the scar on his forehead where he hit the windshield. The scar was noticeable, and Cas couldn't blame Dean for feeling embarrassed, but Cas still thought Dean was the most beautiful person in the world. Scar or no scar, he was still Dean.

"I'm nothing special," Dean chuckled softly, "I guess we're our own worst enemy though," he glanced at Cas, "look at you...no offense, but, you put yourself down was more than you should."

"I could say the same about you," Cas raised an eyebrow, "so that makes us even," he knew he was hard on himself. There was no way he couldn't be- he was just different and had been made fun of for so long that putting himself down was second nature at this point.

"You know I'm not going to let you put yourself down anymore," Dean nudged Cas, "not with you going to college. That's one hell of an accomplishment. You should be proud of yourself."

That was easier said than done. Sure, he'd gotten into college, but there were countless other things Cas could find to hate about himself. Currently, he felt self loathing over the fact that he was essentially mooching off of his boyfriend, whom he didn't deserve in the first place. The thought made him sigh; he knew Dean was staring, but he couldn't possibly explain his thought process, so he changed the subject, "they're making me take a public speaking course," he said finally, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"You? Public speaking?" Dean laughed, "After your valedictorian speech, I'd say you have a good chance of being top of the class."

"That speech was done out of spite and anger. I wasn't in my right mind," Cas had almost forgotten about that speech. Maybe Dean was right. Maybe his hatred toward public speaking could fuel some decent speeches. He smiled, "maybe it won't be so bad."

"See? It doesn't hurt to be optimistic sometimes," Dean leaned over, brushing a kiss on Cas' temple, "I'm rooting for you, Cas. I know you're going to do great this semester."

Cas hoped he wouldn't disappoint Dean. He put so much faith into Cas, and Cas' biggest fear was letting down Dean. Especially with everything Dean had done for him, Failure wasn't an option, and Cas wouldn't do whatever it took to do well in college. 

* * *

[Cas]

Dean had already left for work by the time Cas dragged himself out of bed. The previous night was a blur- after the shower incident, Dean procured another bottle of whiskey, and one thing lead to another. Before he knew it, Cas was surrounded by people who all seemed to know Dean and Benny. Ash and Chuck made cameos, but Cas was busy going shot for shot with Dean. He also vaguely remembered smoking a cigarette with someone who called himself Crowley. 

Cas yawned, strolling into the kitchen, where Ruby was in the process of making coffee. She smirked at him as he pulled a glass out of the cupboard, filling it with tap water.

"Looks like you're having a good morning," Ruby snickered when Cas mumbled something unintelligible, "hungover for the first day of classes. What a good student."

"If I remember correctly, you had a bottle of wine in your hand all night," Cas downed the water in one go.

"But I don't have classes to go to, because I'm a stripper," Ruby pulled two mugs out of the cabinet, pouring coffee into bothe of them, "here, this'll help."

Cas took one of the cups, "thanks," he leaned against the counter, "when did Dean leave this morning?"

Ruby shrugged, "Five, maybe?" she spooned some sugar into her mug, "I was half asleep and still drunk, so I didn't bother looking at the clock."

Cas glanced at the wall clock, "I overslept," he groaned, reluctantly putting his nearly full mug down. He wanted a shower, but he barely had time to change his clothes and rush out the door in order to make it to his 9:30 class.

It was twenty after nine when Cas walked into his public speaking class. The room was almost full, and he stared down at the floor as he strolled to the back of the room, hoping to find a desk as far away from the professor as humanly possible. Just as he was about to sit, he heard his name.

"Cas?" the accented voice made Cas jump, "I thought it was you."

Cas look to his right and saw a familiar face from the impromptu shindig the previous nice, "oh, uh, it's Crowley, right?" he took the vacant desk next to Crowley.

"Actually, it's Fergus MacLeod, but Crowley sounds a bit edgier, don't you think?" Crowley laughed, "I bloody well hate my name."

"Better than Castiel," Cas chuckled, "I couldn't even begin to tell you what my parents were thinking."

"Parents," Crowley rolled his eyes, "mine are over in England, thank god," he pulled a small, silver tube from his pocket and flipped the top open before snorting an unseen substance, "care for a bump?" he asked, offering it to Cas.

"What is it?" Cas asked, immediately feeling like an idiot when Crowley laughed.

"If you have to ask, chances are, you don't want it," Crowley tucked the tube away, daintily wiping his nose, "I needed it this morning," he half-smiled at Cas, "you lot sure know how to throw a party."

"It's amazing how a bottle of whiskey can turn into a crazy, unplanned party," Cas' head was pounding, "I'm really hungover today."

"What are you doing after class? I know something that'll wake you right up," Crowley was grinning.

Cas assumed Crowley was talking about a caffeinated beverage, and accepted the invitation without a second thought. Crowley seemed nice enough, and Cas was eager to make friends. He couldn't say no.

Class was obscenely boring; Cas was thankful when the professor, who's name he couldn't remember, released the class after going on the syllabus. He needed an energy boost stat, otherwise he'd trek back to the apartment and sleep the day away, which he didn't want to do while Dean was working his ass off to earn money.

"So, tell me about yourself," Crowley said conversationally, strolling across campus, toward the dormitories.

Cas shrugged, "I moved out here with Dean in June," he watched Crowley dig a key out of his pocket, "I'm afraid I'm not very interesting."

Crowley stopped in front of a door with the numbers 106 painted on it, "you're not very sociable," he mused, opening the door and holding it for Cas, "but, that's alright. I love talking."

Cas laughed, "I'm not unsociable, just socially awkward," he looked around the quaint dorm room, "no roommate?" he asked, noticing half the room was vacant.

"I had one, but after having a chat over the summer, he decided against living with me," Crowley pulled the unused desk chair over for Cas, "the bloke sounded like a bloody nerd anyway."

"What did you say to him?" Cas asked, sitting down. He watched Crowley open one of the drawers in his desk, retrieving a small baggie filled with white powder. 

"I told him we'd get along swimmingly if he left my stash alone," Crowley smirked at Cas, "he asked about the stash, so I told him I'm coocoo for coke."

"Like the soda?" Cas asked, hoping Crowley was joking. He was open-minded about weed, but anything else was kind of intimidating. Mostly because Gabe would be livid if he did any actual drugs. But, at the same time, Cas' interest was piqued.

"I like you," Crowley chuckled, nonchalantly cutting a line of the white stuff, Cas was now assuming was cocaine, "you're bloody hilarious," he looked at Cas, "do you have a dollar bill, mate?"

"I have a five," Cas reached into his backpack and pulled out his wallet, handing the fiver to Crowley.

"Cheers," Crowley rolled the bill and leaned down, inhaling the line as he closed his eyes, "god bless America," he whispered, cutting another line and handing the bill to Cas, "care for some San Francisco hospitality, Cas?"

Cas stared at Crowley, not sure of how to respond. On one hand, he knew Dean (and most people who cared about him) would be furious if they found out, but, at the same time, his curiosity with experimenting was getting the best of him. Crowley was waiting for him to respond, "um," he took the makeshift straw, his eyes moving to the line on the desk, "I've never..."

"No worries, mate," Crowley snorted the second line, "I won't make you blow coke with me," he grinned mischievously, "but this shit will wake you right up. Cures any hangover instantly."

"I promised my brother I wouldn't-"

"He's not here, is he?" Crowley waggled his eyebrows, "a little bump never killed anyone."

Cas wasn't sure that was true. Crowley was probably saying that to get Cas to cave, and it was kind of working. He didn't know why he trusted Crowley. He barely knew him, "a little bump?" Cas asked, unfamiliar with the lingo.

"Give me your hand," Crowley took Cas' hand, pinching a small amount onto the back of his hand, before licking his fingers, "see? Just a little bump."

Cas looked at his hand, going over every possible outcome of the situation. It looked like innocent white dust. How bad could is possibly be? He wanted to fit in, and with a quick boost of confidence, he closed his eyes and sniffed the tiny bump off of his hand, cringing when a bitter after taste started dripping down his throat, reminding him of the smell of gasoline.

"The back drip is how you know it's good," Crowley handed Cas a water bottle, "water helps."

Cas took a sip, "that's it?" he didn't feel any different. People made such a big deal about coke and other drugs, and Cas was kind of disappointed that nothing happened.

"Give it a minute," Crowley got up, "you'll want to run a marathon in about five minutes."

It didn't even take five minutes before Cas understood exactly what Crowley was talking about. Soon, he was pacing around the dorm room, practically telling Crowley his life story.

"Damn, mate, you've had it rough," Crowley grabbed a pack of cigarettes off his desk, "I need a nicotine fix just hearing about your life."

Cas followed Crowley outside, feeling energetic, talking much faster than usual, "what about you? Why did you come to the states?" he asked, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

Crowley lit a cigarette as soon as they were outside, "honestly, I came for Woodstock in '69."

"And you never left?" Cas started pacing again, unable to stand still, "you must get homesick."

"Nah. As I like to say," Crowley took a long drag of his cigarette, "I came for Woodstock, and stayed for the coke."

"I can understand why," Cas felt amazing, like he could do anything. He had to keep moving around. Suddenly he wanted to take a walk, "I should get home."

"Already?" Crowley crushed the cigarette, "surely you have time for a quick mick-me-up before you go," he grinned, "I don't like to share, but I like you. I think we're going to be best mates."

The little voice in the back of Cas' mind was screeching at him to turn down Crowley, but that was also the same voice that constantly prevented him from taking any risks and having fun. Out here he was learning to ignore it, and was finally starting to come out of his shell. He smiled at Crowley, "I guess a little bump never hurt anyone."


	5. Boom Goes The Dynamite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas is changing, and Dean notices it instantly, but assumes it's college stress...that is, until Cas shows up at home two and a half hours late, not looking like the Cas that Dean fell in love with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few chapters are going to be rough. I'm warning you all now. It WILL get better (for a little while, at least), but the next 2ish chapters are going to be kind of dark. 
> 
> Trigger: drug use. Don't like it? Don't read it. You've been warned.

[Dean]

From the day Cas started college, Dean noticed a difference in Cas. At first he assumed it was just confidence and motivation. Cas was always so busy, which was actually a relief to Dean. He was working a ton of hours, and on average he was at the garage for no less than thirteen hours per day. Whenever he wasn't at the garage, he was sleeping, which he felt guilty about, but with Cas' schedule so hectic, the guilt didn't last. After all, sleep was awesome, and it wasn't like Cas was ever home much before midnight on any given day.

As October came, Dean couldn't continue to ignore the fact that Cas wasn't even around on the Saturdays he'd insisted that Dean take off. He felt like he hadn't spent any time with Cas since the summer, and truth be told, he missed it. 

"Hey," Dean gently shook Cas' shoulder early one morning before work, "you awake?"

"No," Cas groaned, pulling the blankets over his head.

"I just wanted to wish you luck on your midterms," Dean poked Cas' side playfully, "I know you've been working hard."

Cas peeked out from the blankets, looking mildly annoyed, "thanks. Can I sleep now?"

Dean was a little taken aback by Cas' grumpiness, but he ignored it for the time being, "actually...I was kind of wondering if we could spend Saturday together...you're always so busy, so I figured I'd put my bid in now," he smiled slightly, "I miss you."

Cas yawned, sitting up, "I might have some free time Saturday night," he mumbled, rubbing his eyes, "I have study group for class in the afternoon."

"Oh," Dean said, visibly disappointed, "I can do Saturday night, I guess," he sighed, "I can't wait for this semester to be over. I never freaking see you," he knew Cas had a lot on his plate, and hell, maybe he was just being selfish, but, it wasn't a crime to want to spend time with your boyfriend, "you and that friend of yours-"

"Crowley," Cas interjected, yawning again.

"Yeah, Crowley," Dean frowned, "maybe you two could study here."

Cas shook his head, "Crowley lives near the library."

"Right," Dean was ready to give up. He loved Cas with every facet of his being, but it was starting to seem like Cas didn't want to be around. Or, maybe he was just overreacting. After all, Cas was still half-asleep, "I'm sorry I woke you up," Dean got out of bed and pulled on his work jeans, "I guess I'll see you when I see you," he grabbed a t-shirt and turned to leave.

"You wake me up at the crack of dawn, and I don't even get a goodbye kiss?" Cas complained, watching Dean.

There was the Cas that Dean knew. He smiled to himself before walking over to the bed, leaning down to kiss Cas, "you taste like cigarettes. Have you been smoking?" he asked, raising an eyebrow, "since when do you smoke?"

"College is stressful," Cas mumbled, pulling Dean into another kiss, "it's mostly just social smoking."

"I guess it could be worse," Dean chuckled, "at least you're not a strung out drug addict."

"Don't be so dramatic. It's me, Dean," Cas smiled tiredly, but something about how quickly he answered made Dean suspicious, "have a nice day."

"You too," Dean touched Cas' cheek, "I love you," he couldn't help noticing that Cas' cheekbones were more prominent than usual, but he shrugged it off, "so...Saturday night?"

Cas leaned into Dean's touch, "yeah, sure," he turned his head to kiss the palm of Dean's hand, "Saturday."

The prospect of spending a whole evening with Cas got Dean through the rest of the week. He was so excited and nothing could possibly bring him down. 

***

[Cas]

"I can't go out tonight," Cas glanced at Crowley, who was weighing out a small amount of coke, "Dean-"

"What? But the Omega mixer is tonight," Crowley scowled at Cas, "I thought you were excited," he scooped the powder into a baggie and tied it, "I don't know why you don't just leave-"

"I told you already. I love Dean," Cas didn't want to hear Crowley's speech about leaving Dean again. He handed a ten to him, "just because I'm not attached to his hip like I was before, doesn't change how I feel."

Crowley rolled his eyes, "right. I forgot. You love the poor bastard," he pulled out his own stash and expertly cut a few lines on his desk, "I'm assuming he still has no idea that you haven't gone to class in two weeks?" he smirked as he rolled up the bill, quickly blowing two lines in one go, "oh, and what about your little drug habit?"

"Shut up," Cas snatched the makeshift straw from Crowley, sniffing up one of the bigger lines, "he has no idea, and it's staying that way."

"He's going to find out, mate," Crowley laughed darkly, "I'd pay to see that domestic," he took the money back, "I mean, look at you. If he hasn't figured out that you're a bloody coke head, it's only a matter of time before he does."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Cas snapped, glaring at Crowley. 

"You look like shit, and I'm saying that as a friend," Crowley pinched another bump onto his hand, "When are you heading out? It's nearly eight."

Cas jumped up, "it is?" he swore under he breath. Dean had been waiting almost two hours; Cas was so angry at himself for losing track of time. Lately, it was becoming a habit.

"You're late, aren't you?" Crowley mused, offering a bump to Cas.

"He's going to know I'm fucked up," Cas was panicking as he looked in Crowley's full-length mirror. He knew he was getting thin, but knowing he was going to be in close proximity with Dean, while Dean was awake, made every last flaw stand out like a spotlight. His eyes were blood shoot and the dark circles that rimmed his eyes didn't help either. Crowley was right. He looked like shit.

"I'm here for you, mate," Crowley tossed a cigarette to Cas, "you know, when things go awry. And they will. Believe me."

Cas tucked the cigarette behind his hear, "you're making it sound like a fight is inevitable," he sighed, "maybe you're right. Dean is going to be furious if I show up two hours late, looking like this..." He was screwed, and there was no sugar-coating it.

"Well, which is worse? Being a little late, or blowing him off?" Crowley opened his door for Cas, "Oh, and don't do all of that blow in one go. That's the best shit I've seen in years," he added, ushering Cas outside.

"Wish me luck," Cas walked outside. Part of him wanted to go home and tell Dean everything. He hated lying to him. But, if Dean knew everything, it would destroy their relationship and Cas couldn't handle losing Dean. Not after almost losing him before. He had to be nonchalant, which was exceeding difficult considering the burst of energy that was starting to hit him. 

This wasn't going to be a good night. Cas could feel it in his gut. For a split second he even considered going back to Crowley's, but decided that at the end of the day, Dean was more important and he would have to face this issue head on. 

***

[Dean]

"Are you sure you don't want to come to the bar, brother?" Benny asked, looking sympathetic, "Cas said he'd be here two hours ago..."

"He's just running late," Dean waved Benny off, though, he was starting to worry. Where the hell was Cas?

"If you change your mind, the gang and I will be there til closing," Benny squeezed Dean's shoulder before leaving the apartment with Ruby.

Dean looked at the clock. It was almost half past eight. Cas promised he'd be there, and Dean tried to convinced himself that Cas was just absorbed in school work. A wave a relief hit him as the door finally clicked open, but the relief didn't last long. It totally disappeared and was replaced with fear when he got a good look at Cas.

Cas shut the door and froze like a deer in headlights when he saw Dean, staring at him, "um...I'm sorry I'm late."

Dean got up and walked over to Cas, his eyes scouring over Cas' face and body. He'd never seen Cas look so disheveled and frail; his face was sallow and pale, which was nothing compared to how thin he looked in his now baggy clothes. Dean was speechless, and not in a good way.

"Please say something, Dean," Cas whispered, his eyes wide.

"What happened?" Dean's voice was gruff, feeling a lump in his throat. He knew something was up with Cas, he'd known for a while, but he didn't realize it was this bad. Whatever Cas had gotten himself into was changing him, and Dean was on the verge of tears with fear. How the hell did he not notice this?

"I, uh, lost track of time," Cas looked down at the floor, "I'm sorry."

"You know that's not what I meant," Dean could tell Cas was hiding something, and he was going to get to the bottom of it, "Cas...you look like you haven't eaten or slept in weeks."

"Don't worry about it," Cas brushed past Dean, "I'm just tired from studying."

"There's no way you were studying," Dean followed Cas into the bedroom, watching him slump down on the bed, "talk to me, Cas. What's wrong?" he pleaded, desperate to help Cas. There was no doubt in his mind that Cas needed help. Badly. He could see it in his eyes, "please, Cas..." he voice cracked.

Cas slowly looked at Dean, his expression unreadable, "I'm fine," he said firmly.

Dean didn't believe him, "oh yeah?" he frowned, folding his arms, "When is the last time you've eaten?"

"Today?" Cas shrugged, "I told you, I'm fine," he insisted, starting to look annoyed.

"Dammit, Cas, can't you see I'm worried about you?" Dean snapped, without meaning to. He'd been so busy lately and he wanted to slap himself for no saying something sooner, "you're the most important thing in my life...god, I'm such an asshole for not being there-"

"This isn't about you, please don't-"

"No, Cas. This is my fucking fault. I was so obsessed with our money problems to see that you're," Dean stopped talking, looking sadly at Cas, "you're not doing well. You can't hide it from me. I know you," he sat down next to Cas, "I just want to help," he touched Cas' hand, feeling his heart sink when Cas jerked away.

"I don't need help," Cas scowled at Dean, standing up, "you're blowing this way out of proportion."

"Please don't leave," Dean begged, "look, I'm sorry," he said quickly, "I just worry about you...I don't know what I'd do if you..." he couldn't say it. Cas was his whole world, and the Cas standing in front of him sorely needed him. Dean just wished Cas would tell him what the hell was going on. The secretive thing was making Dean nervous.

"Fuck, Dean, I can take care of myself," Cas threw his arms up, visibly frustrated, "I moved here to get AWAY from my overbearing siblings, not to have you turn into one of them," he added harshly.

Dean flinched at Cas' outburst. Was he overreacting? He didn't think so, but how could he know? This was the longest conversation he'd had with Cas in weeks, "you're right," he said reluctantly, causing Cas to look at him, eyebrows raised, "I'm sorry, Cas," he wasn't going to start a fight tonight. It wasn't worth it. Not with Cas looking like this.

A range of expressions flickered across Cas' face, "me too," he walked over to the bed and sat down again, "I just want to sleep," he whispered, "I'm exhausted," he rested his head on Dean's shoulder.

"You sleep then," Dean shifted so he could lay Cas down. He didn't want to drop the subject, but seeing Cas in this state was killing him, and just because he let Cas win this round, didn't mean this was over.

Cas hugged a pillow to his chest, "are you staying?" he asked, his eyes lidded.

"I'll be right here when you wake up," Dean pressed a kiss to Cas' forehead, "I love you," he mumbled, letting his lips linger for a moment before laying down next to him. His mind was racing, trying to figure out what to do, as Cas started snoring almost instantly. 

Dean was sure of one thing- Cas wasn't sober. The question was, what did Cas get himself into? Dean didn't know Crowley, but he had an inkling that Crowley might be the source of the problem. With way Cas looked, Dean had a sneaking suspicion that drugs were a factor, and he knew he'd be a hypocrite to bitch, since he smoked week on a somewhat regular basis. He didn't know what to do; in the end, he decided that he'd just have to be there for Cas.

"I love you so much," Dean breathed, draping his arm around Cas' waist. His fingers brushed against Cas' pocket, rustling the contents. Curious, Dean gingerly reached in and felt a small plastic bag, "what the..." he pulled it out and looked at it, his stomach churning when he realized what the bag contained, "oh, Cas..." he mouthed, wanting to cry. 

Everything suddenly made sense. The moodiness, the energy...hell, even the weight loss all made total sense. Dean had a feeling it was cocaine from the minute Cas walked in, but refused to entertain the idea. But, here it was in his hand. He knew what he had to do now, and he also knew that Cas was going to be pissed...but it had to be done.

Careful not to wake Cas, Dean got out of bed, tip-toeing out of the room. When the door was shut, he first stopped in the bathroom to flush the bag, then headed to the kitchen. After a moment's hesitation, he picked up the phone and dialed a familiar number, holding the receiver to his ear.

The other line rang four times before it picked up, _"hello?"_

"Gabe? It's Dean." 

_"Dean-o! How goes it?"_ Gabe asked conversationally, _"How's my baby bro?"_

"That's actually why I called," Dean said quietly, wishing his voice wasn't trembling, "Cas...isn't doing well," he waited for Gabe to pitch a fit.

 _"Could you elaborate?"_ Gabe sounded worried, if not a little impatient.

Dean sighed, "I don't know how to sugar-coat it, so I'll just say it," Dean closed his eyes, inhaling slowly, "Cas has been doing coke."

_"Why the fuck did you let him-"_

"You think I let him?" Dean laughed without humor, "You're kidding, right?"

_"Who-"_

"It's gotta be that new college friend of his," Dean clenched his free fist, "ever since he started mentioning Crowley I noticed a change..."

 _"How long ago was this?"_ Gabe demanded.

"September...I didn't think anything of it at first," Dean explained, "I've been working so much that I haven't seen Cas for more than a few minutes a day, and it was usually to say goodnight as he crawled into bed," he pinched the bridge of his nose, "It wasn't until he walked in, two and a half hours late, tonight, that I got a good look at him," he voice broke, "I'm sorry Gabe," he felt tears in his eyes, and he didn't know how long he could hold off the sobs threatening to escape, "I need help here."

Gabe was quiet for a moment, _"I'm coming to California,"_ he sounded serious.

"What?" Dean reached for a napkin and wiped his face, "When?"

 _"Right now,"_ Gabe hung up the phone before Dean could say anything else, leaving Dean sitting, dumbfounded, in the kitchen.

Dean wanted to believe that Gabe was joking, but he also wouldn't be surprised if Gabe really ended up coming. After all, Gabe did tell him before that if anything happened, he could be in California in eight hours, and Dean gave him the address of Benny's flat.

"What have I done?" Dean groaned, raking his hands over his face, knowing that in the next twelve hours, all hell was going to break loose, and it was all his fault. He wanted to help Cas, not turn it into a family situation, but now he couldn't stop it. 

Then again, maybe Cas wouldn't be that mad. After all, Dean was only taking these measures because he loved Cas, and losing him wasn't an option. He would rather die than live life without Cas, and if Cas continued what he was going, Dean was positive the outcome would be anything but favorable.

Dean rarely cried, but that night he fell asleep on the couch with tears in his eyes, fearing for everything that was to come.

***

[Cas]

Cas was alone when he woke up the following morning. His head was pounding and he really wished he hadn't smoked his last cigarette the previous night. Cas sat up, remembering the tiff he had with Dean, "shit," he groaned, carding his hands through his unwashed hair. 

Glancing at the clock, Cas realized he'd been asleep for almost ten hours, and got out of bed. For a second, he thought he heard voices out in the parlor, and listenedm, but they seemed to have stopped, so he shrugged it off.

Cas grabbed his psychology book off of the floor and brought it over to the bed, sitting down again. He reached into his pocket for the bag he bought from Crowley, but it wasn't there. A pang of anxiety hit him as he tore the bed apart, still not finding the coke, "where is it?" he breathed, reaching into his pockets again, in a frenzy, his hand shaking. He needed a fix before he went to find Dean- just a bump to take the edge off...but the bag was gone.

There was a soft knock on the door and Cas' attention snapped to the mess of bedding that was now strewn across the floor. He accepted the fact that he had made a mess attempting to find his coke, but he knew Dean would start questioning him, so he inhaled slowly, trying to calm himself, "I'm awake," he said, refusing to look at whoever was opening the door. Judging by the familiar limp-shuffle, he knew it was Dean.

"Lose something?" Dean asked, closing the door.

Cas looked at Dean, "how did you..." his voice trailed off, catching onto what was happening, "Dean, where is the bag that was in my pocket?" Cas had a feeling that Dean had figured everything out, so, he might as well try getting his drugs back.

"I flushed it down the toilet," Dean said coolly, his eyes not leaving Cas.

Cas stared at Dean in disbelief, feeling anger bubbling up inside of him. He exhaled, trying to relax, to no avail, "you...flushed it," he said quietly, his tone dangerous. Cas was pissed. And the harder he tried to not be angry, the angrier he got, "of course you fucking flushed it," he spat, throwing the psychology book across the room before getting up.

"What the hell would you have done if you were me?" Dean asked, frowning, "Come on, Cas. Coke? Really?"

"At least it's not heroin," Cas muttered, shaking with anger. He was going to snap, but tried to keep his brewing outburst in check as long as he could. This was Dean. His Dean, "you owe me ten bucks."

"I don't owe you anything," Dean picked up a blanket and tossed it back onto the bed, "if anything, you owe me some thanks."

"For flushing my god damn stash?" Cas hissed, "not fucking likely," he turned away from Dean, unable to look at him anymore. His cheeks were burning and his fists were clenched. He couldn't recall a time he'd been so angry.

"Are you listening to yourself right now?" Dean grabbed Cas' arm, "look at me," he forced Cas to look at him, "you need help. Let me help you," he said, his expression pained.

Cas yanked his arm away from Dean's grip, "I don't need your help," he snapped, knowing full well that it was a bold-faced lie, "why can't you just-"

"Don't you dare tell me to leave you alone," Dean said sternly, his voice husky with emotion, "not after everything we've been through. Don't shut me out."

So many emotions were coursing through Cas, seemingly every emotion at once, and it was confusing. He was livid, and he knew it was irrational, but he couldn't stop it. He had to escape, "I'm going to stay with Crowley," he stormed out of the bedroom, Dean close in tow.

"Cas, wait-"

Cas froze as he walked into the parlor; Gabriel was sitting on the sofa, looking worried. He spun around, glaring maliciously at Dean, "you called my brother?" he yelled, "What the fuck, Dean!" without thinking, he took a swing at Dean, who grabbed his fist before it connected with his nose, "let me go," Cas pulled his hand back, feeling his eyes burning with tears, "just...just leave me the hell alone," he screamed, looking at his brother for a split second before stomping out the front door, slamming it as hard as he could behind him.


	6. Things Couldn't Possibly Get Any Worse, Could They?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Cas walks out, Dean is in panic mode, but Gabe insists that Cas will make the right decision...but is he right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The hiatus is over!! Rejoice!
> 
> BUT I will warn you all again...this chapter has drug use. If you don't like that, don't read it. This isn't the last chapter that will mention it, but isn't going to be the entire plot. Things WILL get better...at least for a little while. I promise.
> 
> Thanks so much for sticking around through the hiatus. Your lovely comments and kudos keep me going! I'll be updating more frequently now that GISHWHES is over, so, without further rambling, I present chapter 7.

[Dean]

Dean went toward the door with every intention of going after Cas, but Gabe's voice stopped him, "let him go, Dean-o," he said calmly, "he'll come to his senses. He just needs to cool off, man."

"What?" Dean stared at Gabe in disbelief, unable to process how Gabe was so nonchalant right now, "He's probably on his way to Crowley's-"

"I don't doubt that," Gabe stood up, "but he also knows that we want to help him. I know my little bro. He'll be back."

"What if he doesn't come back?" Dean was starting to panic. The feeling of unease rising up in the pit of his stomach. He felt like he was going to be sick. The thought of Cas out there, alone, chilled him to the bone. What if he did more coke? Or worse, what if he did too much? Dean shuddered at the worst possible outcomes pulsing through his brain.

"He's run off before," Gabe shrugged, his expression unreadable, "last time I tried chasing him, and it didn't help anything," he strolled over to the bookshelf, examining the titles, "he just needs to think...I mean, we did kind of just force and intervention on him, lover boy."

"That might be true, but I'm sure Cas wasn't a strung out coke addict back then," Dean sighed irritably, flopping down on the couch, "how the hell are you so relaxed right now?"

"I smoked a joint in your bathroom while you were having it out with Cas," Gabe said without hesitation, pulling a book off the shelf and opened it, "look, Dean. I know Cassy, and like I said, he'll be back. He knows you love him, kiddo," he glanced at Dean, offering a reassuring smile, "just trust me on this."

"Why did he run off before?" Dean asked, in an attempt to distract himself from the situation.

"Let's just say he really didn't handle our mother's death very well," Gabe said quietly, his smile fading as he replaced the book on the shelf, "I tried to get him to talk about it, because he was bottling it up...he freaked and took off," Gabe looked at Dean again, "he came back, but only after I gave up trying to look for him. If he took off, it's because he needs to think."

"So, you're saying I should just sit here with my thumb up my ass, waiting for him to realize he needs help?" Dean groaned, raking his hands over his face, visibly stressed, "What if he's out doing lines with Crowley right now?"

"Be patient," Gabe was thoughtful for a moment, "all of his shit is here. He'll be back, so stop worrying. You're starting to stress ME out."

"I'm not going to be able to relax until I know he's okay," Dean frowned at Gabe, frustrated. He couldn't understand how Gabe could drive all the way to California, only to be completely relaxed. This wasn't the help he wanted when he called.

"Well then smoke a fucking joint and force yourself to chill," Gabe folded his arms, "I get it. You're freaking out, dude, but the face of the matter is, Cas ran off and you're just going to have to sit tight until he gets back."

Before Dean could argue, the apartment door opened and Benny walked in, Ruby following close behind. He looked at Dean, "everything alright, brother? Looks like you're having a rough day," he said, nodding at Ruby to give them a minute.

After Ruby went into Benny's room, Dean reluctantly filled Benny in about everything that had happened, "Cas took off, man," he said quietly, "I was too hard on him."

"He was heading toward the college," Benny pulled a fairly large joint out of his pocket and lit it, "Ruby and I saw him...I tried to say hello, but he bolted."

"He's going to Crowley's," Dean glanced at Gabe, "We need to find him, now-"

"Crowley?" Benny's eyebrows shot up, "Coke dealer, Crowley?"

"He's been hanging out with a coke dealer?" Dean's heart was racing. He felt nauseous, his fear for Cas going through the roof. He needed to find him. 

"Crowley's bad news, brother," Benny offered the joint to Gabe, "I don't think we've met."

Gabe turned the spliff down, "I'm Cas' brother, Gabe," he took a seat in the chair across from Dean, "you must be Benny."

Benny took a small hit before handing it to Dean, "that I am, brother. Good to meet you."

Dean took a rather large drag off the joint, immediately coughing out a cloud of potent smoke, "where does Crowley live, Benny?" he asked, his voice hoarse as he handed it back to Benny.

Benny shrugged, "Wish I could tell you, man. He lives somewhere on the campus. I don't know exactly where though," he said, looking apologetic.

"Shit," Dean shook his head, sadly, "I can't believe it took me so long to figure it out..."

"That's the thing with coke...you don't know a person's doing it until they're hooked, and by that point, it's hard to stop," Benny joined Dean on the sofa, "most coke heads don't even try to get help until..." he didn't finish, but Dean caught on.

"Cas isn't going to die," Gabe cut in, "this is Cas we're talking about. He's smart. He won't do anything stup-"

"Well doing coke was pretty stupid," Dean retorted, "I'm going to find him," he got up and walked to the door.

"Come on, Dean. How are you going to find him? Cas isn't going to want to be found," Gabe sounded irritated, "You're not going to find him, because he doesn't want to be found, so, sit down and relax. I'll give Cas two hours before he's back, and if he's not back-"

"I'm calling the cops," Dean interrupted, "I can't just sit here."

Gabe laughed without humor, "Yeah? And what exactly are you going to say? My boyfriend is out doing coke with his coke dealer, can you help me find him? Great idea, Dean-o."

Dean knew Gabe was right. He would have to wait for everything to unfurl, so, reluctantly, he sat down again, "I'm sorry," he said gruffly, not sure of why he was apologizing, but, at the same time, he felt like he owed Gabe an apology for failing to keep Cas safe, like he promised.

"Don't apologize, man," Gabe said coolly, "I'm just as worried as you are, but I know my little brother. Have some faith in him. He'll make the right decision in the end."

"He's right, Dean. A little faith goes a long way," Benny said, getting up, "I'll be around if you need anything," he left the room, leaving Dean alone with Gabe again.

Dean nodded to himself, unable to argue anymore, "so...what do we do now?"

"Now I sleep," Gabe chuckled, "in case you forgot, I drove all night. I'm running on fumes, dude."

Dean had been so caught up in the moment that he didn't notice how tired Gabe actually looked, "you can crash in the spare room if you want."

"Thanks, but my lady is back at the hostel," Gabe yawned, as he got up, "she's probably bored and horny as hell," he added, smirking.

"I thought you needed sleep," Dean couldn't help laughing.

"Sex, sleep. Tomato, tomahto," Gabe grinned wolfishly, "sex leads to sleep, so it's a win-win scenario."

Dean rolled his eyes, "how does Meg put up with you?" he mused, chuckling.

"She digs my dashing good looks and perfect ass," Gabe winked at Dean, "I'm out, Winchester. Keep me posted," he handed Dean a slip of paper with a phone number scribbled out on it before strolling out of the flat, leaving Dean alone.

Dean went to his bedroom, and stood in the doorway for a long time, looking at the mess Cas had made earlier. Several pillows were strewn across the floor and the book that had been thrown was laying open next to the window. Sighing, Dean cleaned up the mess before flopping down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. He let his eyes close, and felt his exhaustion catching up with him, falling asleep almost instantly.

After a few hours of sleep, Dean was woken up by Benny's voice, "Dean, Lisa's on the phone, asking for you. She said it was important."  
Dean rubbed his eyes, rolling over to look at Benny, "Lisa?" he asked, confused, his voice muddled with sleep. He barely knew Lisa. Why would she be asking for him?

"I don't know, brother," Benny said, reading Dean like a book, "she sounded worried," he shrugged.

Dean dragged himself out of bed and went to the kitchen, picking the receiver up off of the table, "hello?" he asked, his voice still hoarse.

"Dean? It's Lisa," Lisa sounded urgent, "I know it's none of my business, but I thought you might want to know that Cas got admitted here a little while ago-"

"Wait, what?" Dean had almost forgotten that Lisa was a nurse, "He's in the hospital?" he felt a lump rising in his throat, "Is it bad?" he asked, afraid to know the answer.

"I'm not allowed to say-"

"Lisa. Is Cas okay?" Dean asked, his voice breaking, "Please..."

"Meet me here, and we'll talk. I really can't chat about this over the phone," Lisa said apologetically, "Just get here, okay?"

"On my way," Dean hung up the phone without saying goodbye. He practically ran to his room and pulled on his shoes before rushing back through the parlor, ignoring Benny and Ruby as he sprinted out of the apartment. He didn't know what to expect as he got into his van and drove toward the hospital, bracing himself for the worst.

* * *

Dean always drove fast, but he wasn't reckless by any means. He was confident about his driving skills. However, to say he drove like a maniac on the way to the hospital was putting it mildly. He didn't know what to expect when he got there, and that thought alone terrified him. He didn't even notice he took up two parking spaces in the parking garage when he got to the hospital. 

By the time he reached the emergency room, he was in panic mode. He didn't see Lisa standing outside the elevator and ran right into, nearly knocking her on the ground, "fuck, I'm so sorry-"

"Dean-"

"Lisa, shit, are you okay?" Dean helped Lisa steady herself, his hands shaking.

"I'm fine, really," Lisa insisted, "Cas is up in recovery. Come on, I'll take you up there," she pressed the elevator button, "he's stable now, so you'll be able to see him."

"What the hell happened?" Dean demanded, harsher than he meant to.

Lisa stepped into the elevator, "I could get fired for this, because you aren't immediate family," she said, closing the doors after Dean was inside, "but Cas was found on the curb outside. He was in cardiac arrest," she touched Dean's arm, "he's lucky one of the secretaries, Tessa, found him when she did," she smiled weakly, "that boy has angels watching out for him."

"Cardiac arrest?" Dean felt like his legs were going to give out; he braced himself against the side of the elevator, to keep himself from collapsing.

"I heard a doctor say it was most likely drugs that caused it," Lisa watched Dean, who was looking paler by the second, "hey, calm down, sweetie, Cas is going to be okay."

"This is all my fault," Dean groaned, as the doors opened.

"You didn't feed him the drugs," Lisa walked out, Dean following close behind, "these things happen, Dean-"

"Cas and I can't catch a fucking break," Dean clenched his fists, walking beside Lisa down the corridor. Every single time things would go right for him and Cas, there was seemingly always something to ruin it. Maybe they were doomed to never be happy.

"You two are just getting the dregs of life out of the way early," Lisa stopped in front of a door, "things will work out, okay?" she hugged Dean, "Just get through today."

Dean returned the hug, "thanks for calling me," he said gruffly, letting Lisa go.

Lisa smiled at Dean, "anytime. Cas is in there. I'll go sign you in," she touched Dean's cheek lightly before heading toward the reception desk.

Dean collected himself for a moment before slowly opening the door. Cas was asleep, and Dean shuddered at the all too familiar beeping of the monitors and dizzying aroma of disinfectant. He walked over to the bed and looked down at Cas, wanting to cry, but there were no tears. He was sad, sure, but the overwhelming of anger and self loathing kept him from breaking down completely. 

"I'm so sorry, Cas," Dean whispered, unable to look at Cas' pale, sallow face any longer. This was all his fault. If he wasn't so concerned about their future, maybe he would have realized the ticking time bomb in the present. He needed someone to tell him what to do, because he was at a loss.

Dean was in a daze as he made his way to the pay phones, dropping a dime into the slot before instinctively dialing his home phone number. It was a risk to call, but he needed to talk to Sam. The other line rang several times before it picked up.

_"Hello?"_ Sam's tired voice was a relief to hear.

"Thank god. Sammy, it's me," Dean said, his voice low.

_"Dean?"_ Sam yawned, _"Took you long enough to call. What's up? How's everything?"_ he asked, a door shutting on his end.

"I meant to call sooner," Dean said, only half-apologetic. He couldn't risk calling and having his dad pick up; the chances he'd tell the bastard off were too high, "life is crazy..."

_"Are you okay, Dean?"_ Sam asked, concern in his voice, _"You sound exhausted."_

"Sammy, it's Cas," Dean sighed, closing his eyes.

_"Cas? What happened?"_ Sam sounded worried.

"Cas is in the hospital," Dean said finally, "I don't know what to do," he dropped another dime into the phone.

_"Is he okay?"_

"He's stable now," Dean felt guilty dragging Sam into this, but he was desperate. He needed his brother, "he..." he couldn't bring himself to say it out loud.

_"Dean..."_ Sam's tone was stern, egging Dean on.

"He overdosed," Dean said weakly, feeling nauseous at the mention on the word, "because I'm a shitty fucking person and I wasn't there-"

_"Jesus, Dean,"_ Sam whispered, surprise evident in his voice, _"he overdosed?"_

"I'm such a fuck-up," Dean said, ignoring Sam, "if I wasn't so damn concerned about money-"

_"This isn't your fault,"_ Sam interjected, _"unless you forced Cas to OD, this isn't your fault."_

"Sam-"

_"No, you listen to me,"_ Sam snapped, _"This was Cas' mistake, not yours."_

"What do I do?" Dean asked, practically pleading for advice. He was desperate. 

_"Cas was there for you when you were in a coma,"_ Sam paused, _"maybe the best thing you can do is return the favor. He never gave up and neither should you."_

"You're right," Dean said, knowing it was true. Sam may have been several years younger, but he'd always been mature and had given Dean more advice than he knew what to do with, "thanks, Sammy."

_"No problem,"_ Sam was quiet for a moment, _"Dad's home. Gotta go. Chat later,"_ he hung up without another word. 

Dean returned the receiver to the hook, checking the coin slot for any change before heading back to Cas' room. He was still a mess, but was decidedly better after talking to Sam. He was thankful his brother was so blunt, and was glad he called. It was just what he needed to hear as this point.

By the time Dean reached Cas' room, the feeling of self loathing had almost dissipated. He pulled a chair up to the side of the bed, and took a seat, gently touching Cas' clammy hand, "I know I haven't been around," he said softly, stroking Cas' knuckles with his thumb, "but I promise I'll be here for you from now on. Every step of that way."

***  
[Cas]

Cas could hear Dean's voice, humming quietly, along with a mechanical beeping and chatter in the distance. What was happening? Where was he? Slowly, he opened his eyes, looking in the direction of Dean's voice, "Dean?" his voice was weak, "Where am I?"

Dean jumped, "Cas," he looked relieved, as Cas reached for his hand, "you're in the hospital."

Cas tried to sit up, but Dean stopped him, "what's going on?" he asked, his eyebrows knitted together as he tried to recall how he got there. He remembered the fight, and running off to Crowley's, but his memory got foggy after that.

Dean shushed Cas, "you, um," he looked away, "you...overdosed."

"I..." Cas closed his eyes momentarily, somewhat remembering doing some coke, but had he really done that much? Everything felt amazing for a while, but then he blacked out. The last thing he remembered was hearing Crowley swearing and yelling his name. He was at a loss for words. It all made sense, but what could he possibly say to Dean?

"You were found on the curb," Dean was frowning, "what happened, Cas?"

Cas shook his head, "I don't remember," he mumbled, "I blacked out and woke up here," he looked at Dean, still feeling disoriented, "How did I get to the hospital?"

"Who knows," Dean squeezed Cas' hand, "just be glad you got here."

Cas wanted to ask about Crowley, but he decided against it. His head was pounding and he didn't have the energy to fight with Dean again, "how did you know I was here?"

"Lisa called," Dean glanced at the door as it opened, "speak of the devil."

"I thought I heard talking in here," Lisa walked into the room, a slight smile on her face as she checked several monitors, "how are you feeling, Cas? You had us worried for a bit."

"I've been better," Cas said sheepishly. He felt like shit; the shittiest he'd ever felt, to be exact.

Lisa smiled sympathetically, "you must be hungry. I'll let your doctor know you're awake and see if I can't rustle you up some grub."

"I'm more thirsty than anything," Cas watched Lisa take his pulse.

Lisa raised an eyebrow, "your blood sugar levels were low when you got here, you need to eat something," she said, skimming over Cas' chart, "but I'll have someone bring you some water," she added, before looking at Dean, "you look beat, Dean. Why don't you go grab some coffee? I promise Cas is in good hands."

"I'm fine," Dean insisted, "I'll stay here."

"Suit yourself," Lisa jotted down something on Cas' chart before leaving them alone again.

Cas wanted to say something to Dean, but Dean closed his eyes after Lisa left. The silence between them was almost deafening. It was obvious to Cas the Dean was furious, and Cas wasn't sure there was anything he could say to change that. He screwed up, plain and simple, so he just sat quietly, waiting for the doctor.

After a visit from a stout, quirky man who referred to himself as Dr Marv, Cas was on edge. He would have to stay until the following day for observation. The only thing he wanted was to go back to the apartment; he also desperately wanted a cigarette and just one bump of coke to take the edge off, but he tried to put it from his mind.

Lisa eventually brought Cas a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with some orange juice, and also gave a cup of coffee to Dean, but didn't stick around due to having rounds to do. When they were alone again, Cas carefully sat up and looked at Dean, "I'm sorry," he whispered, unable to think of anything else to say.

Dean put his coffee down, "I know," his expression was unreadable.

Cas ripped his sandwich in half and offered a piece to Dean, "are you hungry?" he asked, trying to lighten the mood.

"No," Dean sighed, "Cas...what the hell possessed you to..." his voice trailed off, "never mind. I don't want to know."

Cas put the still uneaten sandwich down, "I don't know what you want me to say, Dean," he mumbled, "I get it. I messed up-"

"Messed up?" Dean's eyebrows shot up, "Cas, you almost died," he said, his voice cracking, "What would I have done if you died?" he closed his eyes, exhaling slowly, "Look...just promise me you won't hurt yourself like this again, okay?"

"Dean..."

"Cas, you know I love you," Dean opened his eyes, "but if you don't take care of yourself...I just don't think I can be with you...I can't stand seeing you like this...it's killing me."

Cas felt his heart sink. The idea of losing Dean was one he refused to entertain. If he lost Dean, he wouldn't be able to move on. They had their problems like every couple, but at the end of the day, he loved Dean and knew Dean loved him back, "please don't leave me..."

Dean's expression softened, "let me help you get better," he reached for Cas' hand again, lacing their fingers together, "I want my Cas back."

Cas looked at their hands, "I didn't mean for everything to go so far," he said softly, "at first it was to fit in...I didn't think it would spiral out of control...then I just stopped caring," he risked a glance at Dean, shyly meeting his gaze, "I'm probably going to fail out of college..." he couldn't stop the word vomit, "I haven't been to class in weeks...I don't know what-"

"Cas, you need to relax," Dean said evenly, squeezing Cas' hand, "all that is in the past. Let's focus on here and now."

Cas cocked his head to the side, "you're...not mad?"

Dean finally smiled, for the first time since Cas had woken up, "I'm a little disappointed, but it's pointless to get pissed off. It won't help anything," he leaned forward and kissed Cas' knuckles, "I want to help you, not push you away again. All I ever wanted was to help..."

"I know," Cas sighed, suddenly remembering that Gabe was in California, "Gabe...he's here, isn't he? He must be furious..."

"Shit," Dean got up, "I forgot to call him," he let go of Cas' hand and pulled the slip of paper out of his pocket, "give me five minutes, okay?" he pressed his lips to Cas' forehead before leaving the room, and Cas alone with his thoughts.

* * *

[Dean]

For the second time, Dean made his way to the pay phones, routinely dropping a dime into the slow, dialing the number Gabe had given him.

_"Novak's Taxidermy! You snuff 'em we stuff 'em,"_ a familiar voice answered.

"Meg?" Dean choked out, trying not to laugh, "It's Dean-"

_"GABE! Stop it,"_ Meg squealed, _"wait...Dean?"_ there was a shuffling on the other end before Gabe spoke, _"talk to me, Winchester,"_ he said urgently.

"What the hell were you two doing?" Dean asked, chuckling.

Gabe snickered, _"if you have to ask, you don't want to know, bucko,"_ he muffled the phone and said something to Meg, _"is there a reason you called? Other than to interrupt Meg and I fu-"_

"Cas is in the hospital," Dean said before he got a visual he wanted to avoid, "he's okay now..."

_"When the fuck were you going to let me know about this?"_ Gabe demanded, _"What happened?"_

"He was found, in cardiac arrest, on the curb in front of the hospital," Dean explained, intentionally avoiding the word 'overdose' because it was still so surreal, "one of the receptionists found him."

_"Overdose?"_ Gabe asked quietly, almost as if he didn't want to know.

Dean flinched at the word, "yeah...that's what the doctor said," he sighed, "he's still in rough shape."

_"Is he awake yet?"_

"He woke up about an hour ago," Dean dropped another dime into the phone, "I guess he doesn't remember much. He blacked out," he smiled at Lisa as she walked by, "doesn't even remember how he got to the hospital."

_"When are they releasing him?"_ Gabe asked, fear still evident in his voice.

"Sometime tomorrow," Dean leaned against the wall, "they're keeping him overnight for observation."

_"I'll let you two duke it out there tonight and I'll swing by the apartment tomorrow with Meggles,"_ Gabe sounded a little relieved, _"Good luck, Dean-o. You're going to need it because you're in for a rough night."_

Dean frowned, "what do you mean?"

Gabe snorted, _"coke withdrawal is a bitch. I knew this addict out in New York...if he didn't get his fix, it wasn't pretty,"_ he said darkly, _"don't you dare leave him tonight, Winchester. He'll need you."_

"I won't leave him," Dean promised, having absolutely no idea how rough the next few weeks were going to be, "never again."

_"Good. Now get your ass back to Castiel so I can get back to,"_ Gabe cleared his throat suggestively, _"you know."_

"See you tomorrow," Dean hung up the phone and took the scenic route back to Cas' room. He never knew anyone who was trying to kick a coke habit, but judging by Cas' outburst the other day, it wasn't going to be pretty. There was no way to prepare for something so unpredictable, but Dean did know one thing: there was no way he was leaving Cas' side until he was clean.


	7. Cigarettes and Apple Pie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first night after Cas' overdose was the hardest, but Dean refuses to leave Cas' side. Things get tense when Crowley shows up at the hospital, but Cas chooses Dean and after a lot of uncertainty, Dean gets a glimpse of the Cas he fell in love with, and holds onto the dream of a happily ever after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I really appreciate the support, blah blah blah.
> 
> NOTE: This chapter has sorta descriptive stuff about withdrawal/cocaine. So, if you don't like it, I'd avoid this chapter. It will also be mentioned in the next chapter or two. Head's up. But this is the rough chapter. Yeah.
> 
> Have fun.

[Cas]

Cas stared down at the peanut butter sandwich, still not feeling hungry. His head was pounding worse than any migraine he'd ever experienced. The thought of eating made him nauseous, despite the fact that he couldn't remember that last time he'd had a proper meal. 

"You'd probably feel a lot better if you ate something," Dean's voice surprised Cas.

"I'm not hungry," Cas mumbled, glancing at Dean, who was frowning.

"If you take a few bites, I'll eat the rest so Lisa doesn't get pissed," Dean returned to his chair, "I know you haven't been eating...just a couple of bites, Cas. For me?"

Cas sighed, picking up a piece of the sandwich, "I'd rather have a cigarette," he complained, taking a small bite.

"You're acting like I'm trying to feed you rat poison," Dean chuckled, grabbing the other half of the sandwich, "I thought you loved PB and J."

Dean was right. Cas' favorite food was peanut butter and jelly and he couldn't understand why the thought of eating it was so repulsive to him, "I'm just not hungry, Dean," Cas said, reluctantly taking another bite before slowly starting to realize that he was actually pretty hungry. 

As Cas finished his half of the sandwich, Dean smirked at him, "I knew you were hungry," he said, handing the other half to Cas.

Cas rolled his eyes, "you're acting like Gabe," he took a sip of the orange juice, "speaking of Gabe..."

"He's stopping by the flat tomorrow, before he and Meg head back to Heaven Hills," Dean yawned, stretching like a cat, "he told me I'm not allowed to leave your side."

"I'm not going to make you stay," Cas felt a pang of guilt. Even after all the bullshit he pulled, Dean was still there. He didn't deserve it.

"I want to stay," Dean smiled, and Cas knew he was being genuine.

"What about your job?" Cas asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"Don't worry about it," Dean shrugged, taking a sip of his now luke-warm coffee, "Benny knows you're having a rough time. He'll understand," he said confidently, cringing his nose at the coffee, "just concentrate on you."

"This is my problem, Dean. Not yours..."

"Last time I checked, you were my boyfriend," Dean folded his arms, "so, your problems are my problems, man."

Cas felt his cheeks burning, "even after all...that?"

Dean stood up, leaning forward to press his lips against Cas', "you're not going to get rid of me that easily," he murmured, "I love you," he added in a whisper before sitting back down.

Cas knew that should have made him feel better, but now he felt even worse. Frowning, he shook his head, "don't say that...I'm not worth it...you deserve so much better, Dean," he said softly, unable to look at Dean.

"So you screwed up," Dean grabbed Cas' hand, "if you remember correctly, I've fucked up plenty of times. We're human, Cas. Fucking up is all part of life," he grinned, "mistakes keep things interesting."

"I'll take your word on it," Cas laid back down, starting to feel tired for the first time in weeks, "so, you're just going to sleep in that chair?"

"Well I'm sure as hell not leaving," Dean said stubbornly.

"You're a pain in the ass," Cas said, only half-joking. He was starting to get a little irritated that Dean wouldn't let him wallow in self-pity. By all rights, he should be alone, but Dean was too good of a person to let that happen. 

"But, I'm your pain in the ass," Dean chuckled, squeezing Cas' hand, "get some rest. You kind of look like shit," he added, winking at Cas.

"Don't rub it in or anything," Cas rolled over, away from Dean, letting go of his hand.

"Don't be like that," Dean whined, "I'm just messing around."

"I'm tired," Cas mumbled, not in the mood to play these games. He closed his eyes, trying to relax.

"Okay, Cas. I'll be here if you need me," Dean said, defeat in his voice, as he clearly caught on to Cas' grumpiness. He squeezed Cas' shoulder before getting comfortable in his chair.

Only a few minutes had passed before Cas heard Dean snoring. Gingerly, he turned over to look at Dean, who was fast asleep, his lips set into a frown. Cas sighed, wishing he could go for a walk; he knew Dean was trying to lighten up to mood, but Cas ruined it. Seeing Dean look so solemn in his sleep made Cas' head pound even more. He wanted to sleep, but he felt jittery and knew he couldn't relax enough to get any kind of rest.

Sitting up, Cas looked at the clock, "it's going to be a long night," he muttered, realizing that it was barely midnight. Had everything really transpired in a span of 12 hours?  
Cas watched the seconds drag by on the clock. Every tick of the clock seemed to be getting louder and louder, making him feel increasingly more irritable. He clenched his fists, trying to ignore the incessant pounding of every annoying tick. Inhaling slowly, he held his breath, trying to concentrate on relaxing. For hours he tried everything to settle down.  
It wasn't working. Nothing was working.

Cas glared at the clock, wanting to smash it to pieces in the most violent way imaginable. He sighed, louder than he meant to, waking up Dean.

"You okay?" Dean asked, blinking tiredly.

Cas scowled at him, "does it look like I'm okay?" he snapped, before he could stop himself. Dean flinched, looking almost afraid to answer, "I'm sorry Dean..." Cas frowned, "it's that fucking clock..."

"The...clock?" Dean looked over at the wall, "What about it?" he turned back to Cas, visibly confused and still half-asleep.

"The ticking...it's not letting me sleep," Cas clenched his jaw, exhaling through his nose. He couldn't believe the ticking wasn't bothering Dean. This hospital was so fucking loud. Why was everything so damn noisy? The beep beep beep of the machines...hallway chatter...even the distant clicking of heels seemed to reverberate in his head, making him want to scream. He just wanted to sleep. Just an hour or two. Why couldn't he sleep?

Cas didn't realize he was crying until he felt Dean's arms around him, "it's okay, Cas," Dean whispered, climbing onto the bed to properly hug Cas to his chest, "I'm here," he gently rubbed Cas' back, kissing the top of his head and holding him close.

Cas clung to Dean, shaking with sobs he desperately tried to keep in. He couldn't stop it. It was like the flood gates had been opened, all because of a stupid, fucking wall clock. He didn't know why he was acting like this, which was upsetting him even more. What the hell was happening?

"You need to calm down, you're shaking," Dean cooed, "talk to me, Cas," he pressed another kiss in Cas' hair, his thumb rubbing small circles on the small of Cas' back.

"I'm...sorry..." was all Cas could say before he started sobbing into Dean's shirt, digging his fingers into his back, "I'm-"

"Shh," Dean carded his fingers through Cas' disheveled hair, "everything is gonna be okay," he murmured, his voice unsure.

Cas cried for a long time. He cried until he was in physical pain, and then he cried some more. Dean didn't loosen his grip the entire time, and let Cas cling to him for dear life, which Cas was thankful for. After what seemed like hours, Cas was finally starting to calm down. His breathing slowed and he was slowly relaxing in Dean's embrace. 

Dean was humming as he played with Cas' hair; Cas wondered if Dean had been humming this whole time. He hadn't heard Dean sing in months, and the sound of him just hearing him hum was soothing, "Dean..." 

Dean stopped humming, "yeah?"

"Will you sing for me?" Cas pleaded, his voice hoarse and shaky.

"Here?" Dean sounded surprised.

"Please," Cas finally looked at Dean, his eyes still wet with tears, "you never sing anymore," Cas knew it was a silly, almost childish, request, but he used to fall asleep listening to the tape Dean had made him before the accident. He wanted to sleep, and he was getting desperate. He couldn't let himself stay at this level of exhaustion that prompted a mental breakdown over a clock ticking. 

Dean wiped a stray tear from Cas' cheek, "what do you want me to sing?" he asked, a small smile playing his lips.

"Anything," Cas rested his head against Dean's chest, "I just want to sleep," he breathed, clenching Dean's sweatshirt in his hands, suddenly feeling like crying again, just from mentioning wanting to sleep. But he couldn't do it, he was so exhausted. He couldn't possibly cry again. It had been close to a week since he'd gotten more than an hour of sleep. He knew he was losing his grip on reality, until Dean's voice started to coax him out of it.

Dean's voice was soft, almost shy, as he sang, " _Life would be a dream, if I could take you up to paradise up above, and you would tell me that I'm the only one that you love, life would be a dream, sweetheart_ ," was all Cas heard before he was lulled to sleep.

* * *  
[Dean]

Dean was woken up by the sound of someone clearing their throat. Reluctantly, he opened his eyes, smiling for a moment when he saw Cas still sleeping soundly. He turned his attention to a man standing in the doorway, "Can I help you?" he asked, getting off the bed, careful not to wake Cas. 

The beady-eyed man raised an eyebrow at Dean and offered his hand, "Fergus McCleod. I'm a friend of Castiel's," his voice had a strong British accent, "my mates call me Crowley."

"Crowley?" Dean rounded on the smaller man, glowering at him, "you're the dick who did this?" he demanded, pointing to Cas, "I should kick your ass, you son of a-"

"Dean!" Cas' voice made Dean jump and snap back to reality, "Leave him alone."

Crowley smirked at Dean, smugly strolling over to Cas' side, "I see you're feeling better, you bloody lush," he mused, "I was a trifle worried when you vomited all over my car," he ruffled Cas' hair, "you were fucked last night, mate."

"What...happened?" Cas asked, clearly frustrated from the foggy memory.

Crowley's eyes glittered mischievously, "well, after you showed up at my flat, you blew an entire eight ball in one go...too you, oh, about half an hour."

Dean clenched his fists, trying to overcome his overwhelming desire to hit Crowley in the face, "how did Cas get here?" he asked, his eyes locked on Crowley, anger burning inside of him.

"Cas passed out, so I dropped him off," Crowley rolled his eyes, "I didn't want a dead body on my hands, obviously," he looked at Cas, "but he's fine now, I see," his eyes flickered to Dean, "any other questions, dad?"

"It's Dean," Dean took a step toward Crowley, hatred for the man threatening to take the form of a swift punch to the jaw, "you should go."

"It's visiting hours and Cas is my best mate. I believe that's for Cas to decide," Crowley said, cockiness dripping from his words, "personally, I think Cas wants me to stay because I've brought good tidings. A get well soon gift of sorts," he winked at Cas.

Dean saw Cas stiffen when Crowley mentioned the gift, and realized what it was, "if you brought that shit in here, I swear I'll ki-"

"Crowley, you should go," Cas cut in, his expression unreadable. 

"You did hear what I said, right, Cas?" Crowley asked in disbelief.

"And you heard what he said," Dean said dangerously, his fists clenched, "now get out of here before I call security. And by security, I mean punch you in the face."

"Temper, temper," Crowley's eyes narrowed, "I'm not someone you want as an enemy, Dean."

"I'll take my chances," Dean glared at Crowley, ready to let his fists fly, "get out before I make you."

"You're going to regret this," Crowley said in a low voice, as he strolled out of the room, slamming the door on his way out. 

Dean closed his eyes and inhaled slowly, trying to calm himself, when the door opened, "oh, now what?" 

"Good morning to you too, Dean," Lisa pushed a cart into the room, "you boys hungry? I grabbed a little bit of everything...well, the edible stuff, anyway," she placed a tray with two plates onto a side table, "Dr. Marv said that you could head out after you eat. So, I'll see you guys around, okay?"

"Thanks Lisa," Dean smiled at her, "I owe you a drink for all this."

"I'll take a rain check. I can't really drink on the job," Lisa laughed, looking at Cas, "as for you, I'd better not see you back here. That scared the holy hell out of me, Cas."

"I have a feeling Dean won't be letting me out of his sight, so I wouldn't worry," Cas mumbled, cringing at the eggs on the plate, "do I really have to eat this?"

"If you promise you'll eat something, I'll say you ate before you left," Lisa half-smiled, "I know the food kinda sucks here."

"I'll have Jodie fix us a couple of her famous breakfast sandwiches," Dean grinned at the thought, "thanks again, Lisa."

"I'm just doing my job," Lisa stacked the plates back on the cart, "if you need anything at all, don't hesitate to call," she added, smiling, "you two behave," she hugged Dean and Cas before leaving the room.

"You ready to go home?" Dean asked, watching Cas slip his sneakers on, "I'm starving."

"Can we stop at that corner shop on the way?" Cas glanced at Dean. His eyes were tired and the dark circles made him look much older than eighteen.

"Sure thing," Dean fished his keys out of his jeans, "I parked the van in the garage. I'll pull around front for you."

"I can walk, Dean," Cas muttered, uncharacteristically rude.

Dean ignored Cas' moodiness, "so, what do you need at the store?" he followed Cas out of the room.

Cas pressed the elevator button, "a pack of cigarettes," he said, raising an eyebrow as if to challenge Dean to say something about his response.

Dean wasn't a fan of the idea of Cas smoking, but he'd be a hypocrite to say anything since he smoked weed on occasion. If Cas needed to smoke cigarettes to kick the coke habit, he wouldn't argue. One problem at a time, "would you mind grabbing a bottle of Jack while you're in here?" Dean asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

"I guess," Cas headed down the hall toward the parking garage.

Dean tried to let Cas' stand-offish attitude slide, but it hurt to see Cas like this, "I wish there was something I could do to make this easier for you," he said in an undertone, lacing his fingers with Cas', "if you need anyth-"

"I need you to stop talking and get me a fucking pack of..." Cas paused, stopping to look at Dean, his expression changing to one of remorse, "I'm sorry," he looked down at the concrete floor, "I didn't mean to..."

"Gabe already told me that we were in for a rough ride. It's okay, Cas," Dean forced himself to smile, "I know it's not you saying those things," he squeezed Cas' hand, "hey, look at me."

Cas sighed, glancing up at Dean, "what?"

"I love you," Dean gave Cas a quick peck on the cheek, "let's go home."

***

[Cas]

Cas got into the passenger side of the van and shut the door. Dean got in and started the engine as he rambled on about something. Cas wasn't listening though. He tried to, but his head still hurt and truth be told, he didn't give a shit about the '54 Chevy Dean was working on. He just didn't care.

Occasionally Cas would pretend to acknowledge what Dean said, but for most of the ride to the store, he sat quietly, staring out the window as he impatiently drummed his fingers on his leg. He needed a cigarette and really didn't care if Dean complained. It was either smoke a butt, or be unbearable to live with until he was over the withdrawal bullshit.

Dean pulled up into the back parking lot of the shop and grabbed his wallet out of the glove compartment, "this should cover the booze and nicotine," he offered Cas a small smile, handing him a ten dollar bill.

"You don't have to pay for my bad habits," Cas couldn't figure out why Dean was being so supportive. He didn't deserve it.

"I know you're broke. Don't worry about it," Dean shoved the ten into Cas' hand, "just take it."

"I'll be back," Cas got out of the van and walked into the shop. After procuring a bottle of whiskey for Dean, he walked to the counter, noticing a rack of individually wrapped fruit pies. He grabbed an apple one without hesitation, since it was Dean's favorite. Including his cigarettes, he had just enough money. With hardly a word spoken to the clerk, Cas left. 

Cas could see Dean rocking out in the van as he crossed the parking lot. When he opened the door, Dean turned down the music, which Cas realized was The Doors.

"All set?" Dean asked, still sounding cheerful, despite Cas being so grouchy. Cas made a mental note to thank him when he wasn't ready to slap him for being cheerful, because of said grouchy mood. It was a strange range of emotions.

Cas grumbled and tore open his pack of smokes, lighting one with the van lighter and inhaling deeply. After a couple of drags he looked at Dean, "thank you."

"No problem," Dean pulled up into his usual parking spot in front of the apartment, "why don't you go upstairs while I grab us some chow?" 

Cas didn't argue. He offered a half-assed hello to Jodie before heading up to the flat. The door was unlocked, so he assumed Benny was home, as he walked inside, shutting it behind him. He kept his eyes down as he tried to sneak to his and Dean's room, but as he got halfway through the parlor, he heard his name.

"Cassy, bro, we need to chat."

* * *

[Dean]

"Rough night, Dean?" Jodie half-smiled, leaning on the counter, "You look like crap, kiddo."

Dean chuckled, "rough is a good word for it," he admitted, "you think I could get a couple of those beastly bacon breakfast sandwiches?"

"This must be one hell of a hangover. Tequila night?" Jodie raised an eyebrow.

"Not quite," Dean took out his wallet, "Cas was in the hospital. I promised Lisa I'd feed him," he smiled, hoping Jodie wouldn't ask questions, even though he knew it was inevitable at this point.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up," Jodie frowned at Dean, "what happened?"

Sighing, Dean told the abridged version of the night he just had, "so...if Cas seems grumpy, don't take it personally," he added apologetically.

"Jeez," Jodie shook her head sadly, "I thought that boy was looking thin. I'll whip you up a couple sandwiches," she said, busying herself back in the kitchen.

Dean pulled out a couple of dollars and put them on the counter. He hummed to himself as he waited for the sandwiches. A few minutes later, Jodie strolled out of the kitchen, holding up two paper bags, "that was fast. You're like The Flash of chefs," Dean took the bags, winking at her.

"You certainly know how to make a girl blush," Jodie laughed, rolling her eyes.

"I do what I can," Dean grinned, "thanks for these," he pushed the money over to her, "I'd better get upstairs."

"I'll bring you boys some dinner later," Jodie called as Dean headed upstairs.

Dean heard raised voices inside the apartment and hesitated for a moment before walking inside.

"Chill, Cassy, I just came to chat," Gabe was standing in the parlor, holding his hands up defensively, in front of Men, who looked like she was ready to defend Gabe, should the need arise.

"You don't trust me," Cas yelled, clearly on the verge of crying, "I make one stupid mistake and here you are," he clenched his fists.

"Easy, Cas," Dean said, stepping in, "don't be pissed at Gabe, be pissed at me for calling," he held up the bags, "let's just eat some breakfast and catch up with Gabe, okay?"

Cas rolled his eyes, stomping off to the bathroom. Dean flinched when the door slammed.

"He's cheerful," Meg said sarcastically, making herself at home on the sofa.

Gabe joined Meg, "it's only going to get worse," he frowned, "you're going to have fun with his withdrawals."

Dean shrugged, "I know it's not him saying that shit," he looked toward the bathroom, feeling a twinge of concern. He didn't want to breathe down Cas' neck, but he needed to know if Cas was okay. When the toilet flushed, he relaxed a little, "so...how's San Francisco treating you?" he asked, trying to change the subject before Cas came back.

Gabe smirked, "I got laid so I guess I can't really complain."

Meg hit Gabe's arm, "I took you out to breakfast in the morning too," she nipped at Gabe's ear affectionately.

Dean shifted uncomfortably on the couch. He and Cas hadn't been like that in a long time, and he missed it, "yeah...we, uh, have some pretty cool breakfast joints around here," he said awkwardly, glancing toward the bathroom door as it opened. He locked eyes with Cas as he walked out. For a split second, he thought Cas was going to run to the bedroom, but to his surprise, Cas joined him on the couch. He smelled like cigarette smoke.

"Hey, bro, sorry I invaded your pad," Gabe said, sounding apologetic, "Benny let us in, so we figured we'd wait for you guys to get home. Didn't mean to spook you."

"You said you wanted to chat," Cas said curtly; Dean could feel the tension radiating off of Cas.

"I did," Gabe folded his arms, "but if you're going to be like that, maybe I'll chat with Dean instead," he said petulantly, clearly joking, but adding a smirk for effect.

"Whatever," Cas got up and left the room; the bedroom door slammed a moment later.

Dean sighed, hearing the slam. He looked at Gabe and Meg, "I doubt he's going to come out willingly and I'm not forcing him out," he muttered, still half-debating on going to check to make sure Cas was alright...or as alright as he could be, given his current predicament.

"I don't blame you," Gabe shrugged it off, "but, I do need to chat with dear, sweet Castiel before we leave," he got up, "if it wasn't Anna's orders, I'd let you deal with him," he winked at Dean before heading to the back bedroom.

Dean glanced at Meg, "Anna must have been a nervous wreck when I called about Cas," he said quietly, listening for any signs of a brotherly dispute.

Meg snorted, "Anna was the one who told Gabe not to move out here," she rolled her eyes, "he was ready to pack up and move here after you called," she paused for a moment, smiling, "it was actually touching. Gabe loves his little brother so much."

Dean nodded, "Gabe's a good guy...when he's not being a dick," he half-smiled, "I guess I was bound to get shit from him though, you know, being Cas' first boyfriend and all," he sighed, recent events plaguing his mind, "god, Gabe must hate me for not keeping Cas safe."

"You couldn't have prevented this from happening," Meg raised and eyebrow, "if Gabe hated you for putting Cas before yourself, he'd literally be an idiot."

"Are you calling me an idiot, babe?" Gabe asked, strolling back into the room.

Meg smirked at Gabe, "when don't I?"

Gabe laughed, "well played, doll face," he held his hand out to Meg, "I work tomorrow, so we should go."

"You're leaving?" Dean got up, "Did Cas let you talk to him?"

"Everything is all set, Dean-o," Gabe pulled Meg up and wrapped his arm around her waist, "I'll call this weekend to check in."

"See you when I see you, Winchester," Meg winked at him, "good luck."

Dean walked them to the door, "hey, do you guys think you could fill Jo in on everything?" he asked sheepishly, "I, uh, kind of haven't had a chance to call her since moving," he felt guilty not keeping in touch with his friends from Heaven Hills, but he wanted to start a new chapter to his life. One that didn't involve old high school drama. Sure, he and Jo were close, but at the same time, there would always be awkwardness from dating whether he liked it or not.

"You have a phone," Gabe leaned against the door frame, "I'm not updating your ex-girlfriend on you and your current boyfriend," he snorted, "it's fucking weird, man."

"When you put it that was, it is," Dean folded his arms, really not wanting to call Jo, "look, Jo and I...it's-"

"Dean, I'm a chick, and as a chick, I think you should gather some testicular fortitude and call her," Meg toed into her sandals.

"Testic-what?" Dean asked, confused.

"Grow some balls," Meg laughed, nudging Gabe, "I'll go start the car," she kissed his cheek before turning to Dean, "peace out, Dean," she flashed a peace sign and disappeared down the hall. 

"Always a pleasure, kid," Gabe clapped Dean on the shoulder, "I ws iffy about you when you can Cas started that whole relationship thing," he smiled, "but you really are a good guy. Cas is lucky to have a man like you. I guess what I'm trying to say, is, you're cool with me," he looked like it was difficult to say all of that, but Dean knew he was being genuine.

"Gee wiz, Mr Novak, are you giving us your blessing?" Dean was unsure of how to respond in a way other than sarcasm. 

"And people think I'm the asshole," Gabe feigned offense, chuckling.

Dean lightly punched Gabe in the arm, "I'm not an asshole," he smirked, "I do, however, like it in the-"

"Right then!" Gabe cut him off, "I really gotta get going."

Dean snorted with laughter, "drive safe," he called down the hall before closing the door. When he turned to head to the bedroom, he saw Cas standing in the parlor, looking conflicted, "Cas, you okay?" he asked, taking a cautious step toward Cas.

Cas shook his head, "I'm the asshole..." he sighed.

"Cas, we weren't even talking about you," Dean got closer to Cas, "how are you an asshole?"

"I treat you like shit and nothing phases you," Cas groaned, visibly frustrated, "you think so highly of me and it blinds you from the fact that I suck as a person and-"

"Shut up," Dean knew Cas wouldn't listen if he wasn't harsh, "I'll admit that you've been kind of a bitch since we got here, but that's because you fucked up," Cas flinched, but Dean continued, "everyone fucks up, but most of the time you can fix it. I know my Cas is in there somewhere and if it kills me, I'm going to get him back," Dean smile, "and for the record, it's not that I'm blinded from the good, actually, it's your flaws- moodiness and all, that I love most."

Cas gave Dean a quizzical look, "that makes no sense. How can you love someone's flaws?"

Dean was thoughtful for a moment. Of course he loved Cas' flaws. He loved every molecule of Cas' existence and there were no words to accurately describe it. When he spoke, he meant every word, "that's easy. If you can't love a person's flaws, you sure as hell don't deserve to love them at all."

"So, you love my flaws?" Cas asked, almost shy.

Dean nodded enthusiastically, "especially your flaws," he murmured, touching Cas' hand.

Cas glanced at the bag from the store, "I forgot," he almost smiled, remembering something.

Dean watched Cas paw through the bag, wondering what he was looking for, "you didn't forget the whiskey, did you?" he asked, hoping that wasn't the case.

"No," Cas turned back to Dean, holding something behind his back, "I...bought you a present," he looked down, "it's not much," he held a mini apple pie out to Dean, "you said a while back that apple pie was your favorite..."

Dean looked at the fruit pie, surprised by Cas' sudden mood change, "I freaking love these," he beamed, taking the pie, "this is the best gift ever."

Cas finally smiled, and Dean got a glimpse of the Cas he fell in love with. It was going to be a long road until they finally got their happy ending, but at least there was a glimmer of hope. A single smile was all Dean needed to remind him of the happiness that their future surely held. Once they got out of this rut, it would be smooth sailing.

But, then again, terrible things always seemed to happen in threes.

If Cas' overdose was San Francisco's terrible thing number one, what were terrible things two and three?


	8. Peanut Butter Is The Source Of All Evil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean finally calls Jo and Cas LITERALLY pitches a fit over peanut butter.

[Dean]

Normally, talking on the phone wasn't a huge deal to Dean. He used to spend hours on the phone back in high school, but that was before. Now, Dean stared at the mustard yellow, spin-dial wall phone, hesitating. He had to call Jo, there was no avoiding it. The problem was that he didn't have the slightest idea of what to say to her. 

Dean hadn't spoken to Jo in months. What could he possibly say that would change that? Nothing. 

Sighing, Dean finally picked up the receiver, holding it to his ear as he dialed the familiar number that he'd dialed so many times before. The other line picked up almost instantly, catching Dean off guard.

"Harvelle residence," it wasn't Jo, but Dean recognized the voice immediately.

Dean inhaled slowly, "hi Ellen...um...this is-"

"Dean Winchester," Ellen's voice was low, almost dangerous, "you better have good excuse for not calling," she said sternly, "Joanna-Beth is going to rip you a new one, boy."

"I don't doubt that, ma'am," Dean said, his voice level, despite his heart threatening to beat out of his chest, "could I talk to her for a minute?"

"I suppose," Ellen laughed darkly, as she yelled Jo's name and shuffled the phone before Jo's voice came through.

"Hello?" Jo sounded stressed.

"Hey Jo," was all Dean could think to say. 

"Dean?" Jo whispered, surprise evident in her voice.

"Yeah, it's me," Dean cleared his throat nervously, "I'm sor-"

"You had better start explaining," Jo cut him off, "like, dude, seriously. What the hell!" she yelled, exasperated and clearly livid, "Over four months, Dean. You're just calling now?"

"I'm sorry, Jo, it's just-"

"What? You're too good to keep in touch now that you're out in California?" Jo snapped, "I don't want an apology, I want to know why you couldn't bother picking up a damn phone."

"Things have been fucking horrible," Dean yelled, slamming his fist on the kitchen table, thankful that Cas had gone downstairs to get coffee, "and calling you wasn't the first thing on my mind."

"Things were really so bad that you couldn't call? Dean, I love you and Cas. After everything we all went through, don't I deserve a friggin' update?" she sighed loudly, "I thought we were best friends."

Dean felt a lump in his throat, wanting to hang up. He knew he was a piece of shit for basically ignoring Jo for months; he didn't need her to tell him, "dammit, Jo...this isn't how I wanted this to go."

"Oh, did you expect a warm, cheerful hello after four months? I'm sorry, that isn't how it works," Jo said bitterly, "What the hell happened to you, Dean?"

"California," Dean muttered, closing his eyes, "it happened to both of us," his voice was hoarse, attempting to keep calm, which was exceedingly difficult with the bottled up sobs threatening to escape.

"I'm listening," Jo said coolly.

"It was good for a little while," Dean said quietly, "busy, but good," he sighed, "then Cas went to a local college and came out of his shell..."

Jo snorted, "don't sound so happy for him."

"Then Cas met this douchebag," Dean continued, as if uninterrupted, "and things went downhill fast," he swallowed hard, "Cas made some mistakes and we hit rock bottom."

"Mistakes?" Jo asked, starting to sound interested, "Are...you and Cas still together, Dean?"

"I have no idea how, but, yeah," Dean twirled the phone cord around his finger, "Cas is just lucky to be alive right now."

"Could you elaborate?" Jo sounded worried, "What happened?"

"That douchebag I told you about was a coke dealer," Dean hoped Jo caught on. This was still too fresh in his mind to be able to talk about without breaking down. 

"Cas overdosed," it wasn't a question. Jo was quiet for a moment, "when?"

"A week ago today," Dean couldn't help but keep track. Every day that Cas didn't relapse was something to celebrate. Cas may have gotten grumpier, but Dean knew it would get worse before it got better.

"I'm sorry, Dean," Jo said softly, "I didn't realize..."

"That's my fault," Dean said, refusing to make Jo feel guilty, "I should have called...I'm just exhausted," he pinched the bridge of his nose, "I've slept about ten hours in the past week."

"What about Cas?"

"He has good and bad days," Dean frowned to himself, "the bad days are really bad, but it's the good days that keep me going."

"You really need to sleep, Dean," Jo said, her tone matronly.

"Cas cries in his sleep...sometimes he screams," Dean felt his chest tighten, "Jo...his nightmares are so bad and he refuses to talk about them."

"I read that when people are overcoming an addiction, sometimes nightmares happen," Jo sounded sympathetic, "I'm sure it'll get better. You're lucky this was a short-term addiction."

"You're going to nursing school, aren't you?" Dean almost chuckled, forgetting how smart Jo actually was.

"I want to be a doctor, not a nurse," Jo laughed, "but, right now, money is tight. I study when I can so I'll be ready for college in the fall."

"Good luck. I mean it," Dean was happy for Jo. If anyone deserved to go to college, it was her.

"Thanks, but I'm not going to need it," Jo said confidently, "you and Cas are going to need that luck, so keep it," Jo paused, "random, but, Cas' birthday is in February, right?"

"Yeah," Dean was thrown off by the sudden subject change, "why?"

"Well, by then, Cas should be doing a hell of a lot better. We should surprise him," Jo said excitedly, "I wanted to go to San Francisco anyway."

"Wait, what?"

"I'm going to gather the gang and plan a little California holiday in February," Jo said in a final tone, "I think you boys will benefit from a night or two with everyone. I'm sure Sam misses you, Dean."

"But, Jo-"

"This is non-negotiable, Winchester," Jo said, her mind clearly made up, "and you'd better not tell Cas. This is a surprise."

Arguing with Jo was fruitless. A slow smile crept across Dean's face, "I guess I'll see you in February then."

***

[Cas]

Irritable and moody were the only words to remotely begin to describe how Cas was feeling. It had been almost three weeks since his near-death experience and going cold turkey with his coke habit. He spent a good portion of his time alone because he couldn't control his attitude around people. Withdrawal was a bitch and no amount of cigarettes could give him the high coke did.

Sometimes Dean would try to coax Cas out to do something fun, but Cas always turned him down. Cas knew that Dean was trying to help, but he also knew that he didn't deserve it. He was so terrible to Dean and he couldn't forgive himself for it. 

How could he? 

After everything Dean went through, Cas turned his back on him for a stupid drug. In a way he wished the overdose had killed him...at least then he couldn't continue to fuck up Dean's life. Dean would be able to be happy. 

That thought plagued Cas ever single day and he couldn't stop dwelling on it. Sighing, Cas looked at the alarm clock. 6:05 PM. Dean would be home from work in exactly two minutes. Cas knew the routine by heart:

6:07 PM: Dean strolls into the apartment and takes his boots off at the door.

6:09 PM: Dean makes his way to the kitchen, grabs a beer and chugs it in one go before greeting Benny, who watched re-runs of Star Trek every night at 6.

6:14 PM: Dean then hobbles down the hall to the bedroom, his familiar limp echoing off the high ceiling. 

6:15 PM: Dean knocks, before poking his head inside to check on Cas, and talk about their days.

It happened like clockwork, the mundane routine engraved in his mind. Truth be told, it was starting to irritate Cas. He wanted to get out, but he just wasn't ready. He didn't trust himself. Not yet.

A soft knock on the door made Cas jump. He glanced at the clock again. 6:15 PM on the dot, "hello Dean," he mumbled, not having to look as the door opened, and the sound of Dean's familiar stride entered the room.

"Hey Cas," Dean sat down on the edge of the bed, grunting.

"Is your leg bothering you?" Cas asked, only half-concerned as he reached for his last cigarette, wishing he had another pack. Socializing and being civil was tedious. It was getting better, but it still sucked.

"Yeah...it's been kind of bad the past few days," Dean watched Cas light the cigarette, "how are you doing?"

Cas took a long drag, exhaling the smoke in the general direction of the window, "I'd be better if this wasn't my last cigarette," he muttered, "I feel like I just bought these..."

"You did. This morning," Dean said cautiously, not looking at Cas, "I know it's none of my business...but maybe you should slow down or find a hobby or something that would keep your mind off of...stuff."

"Like, what?" Cas knew where this was going. Dean wanted Cas to continue his education and give college another chance, but it was too late now. Cas stopped caring about his future, months ago. He had no intention of returning to school, "I'm not going back to school, Dean."

"Sitting in here by yourself all the time isn't going to help anything," Dean sighed, "everyone is is worried, Cas. Hell, I'm worried-"

"It's better than being a dick to everyone," Cas said harshly, "I'm trying to control it...but sometimes it's so bad, I feel like I need to punch something and I don't want that something to be someone's face."

Dean got up, looking defeated, "well, if you want to sit here and punish yourself, I can't do anything to stop you. I give up. If you want help, you know where to find me," he left the room, looking hurt at he shut the door.

Cas was genuinely surprised at Dean's reaction. Dean finally gave up and Cas felt like he was going to be sick. This was his fault, "shit," he climbed off the bed and went out into the parlor, looking for Dean.

Benny looked up from the TV, "hey there, stranger," he half-smiled, "Dean went down to the cafe. That is, if you're looking for him."

Cas muttered a thank you as he toed into his shoes and went downstairs. The cafe wasn't very busy; only a few college students sat in the booth near the window. Dean was standing at the counter, chatting with Jodie. He noticed Cas immediately, but it was Jodie who spoke.

"Damn, Cas, I feel like I haven't seen you in weeks," Jodie said, walking around the counter to wrap her arms around him, "you're looking better, kiddo," she smiled, letting him go.

"I wish I could said I feel better," Cas let Jodie usher him and Dean to a booth away from the college kids, "at least the worst is over."

"That's the spirit," Jodie grinned at Cas, "let me see if I can whip you up a little something to make you feel better," she winked at them before heading back to the kitchen.

"I'm sorry," Cas mumbled, as soon as Jodie was out of ear shot, "I didn't mean to upset you..." he did feel bad, but he also thought the apologies were becoming redundant. Cas knew they were losing their meaning because he apologized so much, "I just don't trust myself."

Dean's eyes flickered to Cas, "it's okay, Cas," he said gruffly, his tone unconvincing, "I get it."

"I don't think you do," Cas sighed, feeling annoyed that Dean was clearly bottling up his emotions to be strong for him, "how could you?" Cas shook his head, "You're too smart to do coke..." he frowned; hearing his own voice talk about his addiction was surreal, even though he lived through it. He closed his eyes, rubbing his face with his hands.

"I'd understand if you'd talk to me," Dean reached across the table, grabbing Cas' hands in his own, "you get so irritated and always lock yourself away...I'm here for you, even if it involves you verbally abusing me to release tension. I want to help you, Cas."

Cas looked at their hands before meeting Dean's eyes, his cheeks flushing. Had Dean's eyes always been so green? He lost his train of thought and cleared his throat, "how's your leg?" he asked, feeling actual concern for the first time in ages. Something about the fear and love in Dean's eyes made Cas want to try harder. It was like a switch clicked in his brain. Dean was trying so hard and Cas knew he needed to make more of an effort. Dean deserved that much.

"Irrelevant," Dean raised an eyebrow, "I ask how you are every single day and you never tell me. It's always an answer that has nothing to do with you. Stop changing the subject."

"What do you want me to say?" Cas asked, sighing, "Thanks for letting me you use you like a litter box for my foul-mouthed bad moods?"

Dean opened his mouth to respond, but stopped, looking confused, "did...you just call me a litter box?" a small, amused smiled played his lips.

Cas bit his lip. Litter box? What the hell was he on about? Who the hell calls their significant other a litter box? This idiot, apparently, "um...yeah," was all he could say, his cheeks burning now.

Dean inhaled, looking like he was trying to stop himself from laughing. It didn't work. A low, throaty chuckle escaped, "a litter box," he said to himself, finally losing control and laughing.

Cas watched Dean laughing for a few seconds; it was contagious. By the time Jodie returned, the two of them were in the midst of a full-sledged giggle fit. Cas didn't care. He hadn't laughed like this in God knows how long and he had nearly forgotten how sometimes it was the silly, small things that can change a person's mood. He would forever associate a litter box to Dean, but at least he was damn-near happy and that was saying a lot. 

"What the hell's gotten into you two?" Jodie asked, putting two plates down on the table.

"I'm apparently Cas' litter box," Dean said, practically gasping for air, still snickering.

Jodie's eyebrows shot up, "on second thought, I don't think I want to know," she was smiling, "you boys eat up, it's almost closing time and I gotta go shoo the college kids," she walked off.

"Jodie must think we have a weird relationship," Cas wiped his eyes, still bubbling with giggles.

"We kind of do," Dean grinned, "but that's what makes it special. The good, the bad, everything. I wouldn't trade it for anything," he took a bite of the sandwich that Jodie brought, "not even a sandwich."

Cas chuckled, finding it strange that he was actually enjoying Dean's corny, oddly-romantic banter, "not even a really good sandwich?" he asked, feeling uncannily playful. He wasn't going to question it though. He just hoped the mood would last.

"Not even for the best sandwich in the world," Dean winked at Cas, "I'll always be your litter box, Cas."

***

[Dean]

Dean was thankful that Benny was understanding about Cas. Shit had been horrible, and Benny really helped by paying the rent and giving Dean a paid leave from work, so he could stay with Cas. He knew he owed Benny big time, but Benny insisted that it was cool. One day Dean would repay him for his kindness.

"Dean," Cas' voice echoed in the kitchen.

Dean shifted on the couch so he could look toward the kitchen, "what is it?"

"Where's the peanut butter?" Cas asked, sounding grouchy.

"We ran out, man," Dean knew Cas was having a bad day and had been trying to keep Cas from snapping. He was used to Cas pitching fits over ridiculous things; on his bad days, though, after a month, they'd happened less frequently, Cas had had meltdowns over losing a sock, having a brain fart over how to spell 'Mississippi' and spilling water on the carpet. Just to name a few.

Cas sighed loudly, "you went to the store though," he complained, throwing something metal, which Dean assumed was a butter knife. 

"I forgot to grab some. I'm sorry," Dean said calmly, "why don't you-"

"Forget it. I don't even want it," Cas slammed a drawer shut and stormed through the living room before slamming the bedroom door too.

"Who the hell is making all that noise?" Ruby moseyed into the parlor, yawning, with Benny close in tow.

"Sorry, we ran out of peanut butter and Cas didn't take it so well," Dean reached into the coffee table drawer and pulled out a bag of weed, "Chuck brought this over earlier," he tossed the bag to Benny, who joined Ruby on the love seat.

Ruby looked sympathetic, "I don't miss those mood swings," she took the bag from Benny and opened it, inhaling deeply, "I remember one time I punched Benny for taking too long at the burger place across the street."

"Wait, I thought you stuck to natural stuff," Dean had been living in California for months and he felt like he hardly knew anyone. He was so concerned with Cas that he let it control his life. 

"Now I do," Ruby smiled slightly, nudging Benny, "but only because this son of a bitch," she winked at Benny, "I'd be dead in a ditch somewhere if it wasn't for Benny."

"It's true," Benny kissed Ruby's temple, "she was in rough shape when we met."

Dean had never heard how Benny and Ruby met. He never bothered to ask, "I don't think I've heard this story."

"Back when I was eighteen, wasn't it?" Benny took the weed from Ruby and pulled a rolling paper out of his shirt pocket. 

"You suck at telling stories, babe," Ruby grinned, "this is a tale of sex, drugs and a shit-head named Dick," she started dramatically, making Benny laugh as he rolled a joint, "back when I was a high school graduate, looking to get into college, I had been on the outlook for a job, because my family went MIA when I was eighteen."

"I thought you walked out," Benny chimed in, smirking.

"Same thing," Ruby elbowed him gently, "anyway, I did what every eighteen year old would have done. I packed up my shit and went to California in my crappy, old Chevy."

Dean chuckled, "it's what I did."

"Point proven," Ruby continued, "I came to LA and I was a hot piece of ass at the age, so, naturally, I got into stripping," she frowned suddenly, "that's how I met Dick Roman. He was rich and owned one of the ritziest clubs in the city."

"THE Dick Roman?" Dean's eyebrows shot up, "The one who owned FLESH?"

"Ah, you saw all of that shit about him on the news?" Ruby's eyes glimmered maliciously, "I'm the mystery woman who sued him."

"No kidding," Dean laughed, "small world."

"Yeah, so, anyway, Dick took a liking to me at this other club and offered me a job as his top girl at FLESH," Ruby looked frustrated, "in my naive mind, I didn't stop and think, oh, this might be too good to be true," she sighed, "I followed him blindly. He had be wrapped around his greasy finger. I'll admit, things were good at first. I was making bank and was getting as much weed as I could smoke," Ruby glanced at Dean, "but then one night I caught dick blowing a line off a hooker's ass and sorta freaked."

Dean was engrossed in Ruby's story, "what'd he do?"

"Told me to try some if I wanted to keep my job," Ruby said, looking down, "he could have blacklisted me and I never would have found another gig that paid so well."

"So, you did the coke," Dean egged Ruby on.

"I needed the job. You're damn right I did the coke," Ruby rolled her eyes, "I thought it would be a one time thing, but Dick was fiend. He kept offering, and I never said no," Ruby groaned, "my god, I was sooo dumb."

"You were a teenager," Benny handed to joint to Ruby, "you thought what you were doing was right."

"I wasn't thinking at all," Ruby carefully lit the joint with a match, inhaling as she turned it in her fingers, ensuring it was burning evenly, "I was doing coke all day, every day. Any time was coke time on Ruby Island," she handed the joint to Benny, "the night I almost overdosed, I had done more blow than any sane person should. By then, I was twenty, still stripping and no longer ever considering college as an option. It was Dick's fortieth birthday and we just doing lines and drinking expensive champagne," Ruby looked sick, "we finally made it to FLESH and the first thing we did was blow some coke in the bathroom. I was feeling a little weird, but I kept partying on."

"You're such a class act, darling," Benny said, clearly trying to lighten the mood.

"Well, I'm a fucking lady and ladies are classy," Ruby snorted, "basically there was a situation where Benny saw me doing coke off Dick's hand and he came over," she looked fondly at Benny.

"And I said, 'excuse me, miss, but you're far too beautiful to be doing that stuff'," Benny smiled at Ruby.

"And then I got dizzy and blacked out," Ruby took a quick hit off the joint, to keep it lit, before handing it to Dean.

Dean grabbed it and took a small drag, "then what happened?" he exhaled the smoke.

"Turns out, Dick spiked my drink and Benny rescued me," Ruby rested her head on Benny's shoulder.

"I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. She was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen," Benny draped his arm around Ruby, "I took her back to my apartment and let her sleep in my bed, while I crashed on the couch."

"I woke up and he brought me breakfast in bed," Ruby closed her eyes, smiling to herself, "I thought he was going to murder me," she added, chuckling.

"I told her she was better than all that drug stuff," Benny reached and took the joint from Dean, "then I helped her bring Dick to court for attempted murder. Technically he kept feeding her coke as if he was trying to kill her. It worked to our advantage."

"And he put me in rehab," Ruby watched Benny take a drag before taking the joint, "hell, he even helped me open my own strip club. I don't think I'll ever get rid of him."

"You'd be lost without me," Benny mused, looking confident.

"Dammit, I hate saying you're right," Ruby squirmed to sit up so she could kiss Benny, "I love you," she whispered.

Dean watched Benny and Ruby together, and it gave him hope for him and Cas, "so, things got better," he said quietly, "I hope Cas gets better," he half-smiled.

"Cas has been through a lot. He's lucky he wasn't doing that shit for as long as I was," Ruby said darkly, "give him a few weeks. He'll come around. Just don't let him push you away," she was thoughtful for a moment, "do you want me to talk to him? I know what he's going through."

"You know, that might not be a bad idea," Dean grinned, "you can be really nice when you want to be," he added, his smiled turning into a smirk.

"I'm doing this for Cas, not you," Ruby got up, "I'm a former coke addict, not a marriage counselor," she grabbed the joint and put it out in the ashtray, "you two go out for some peanut butter and I'll see if I can give Cas a pep talk." 

"Sure thing, doll," Benny got up and stretched, "let's grab a bottle of moonshine from Ash while we're out. Cool tool, brother?"

"Cool with me," Dean started to follow Benny out, but stopped and looked at Ruby, "hey, Ruby?"

"What's up, Dean?" Ruby raised an eyebrow.

"Thanks. I've been so worried about Cas and I never knew what he was going through. I think you might actually help him a lot," Dean carded his hand through his hair, "I just...really appreciate the help, because I'm kind of at my wit's end here."

"I know it sucks for you, but trust me when I say that Cas has it worse," Ruby folded her arms, "now stop being all mushy and shit. Only one of us is a chick and I don't do mushy."

"Clearly," Dean laughed, "I had almost forgotten that you were still a cold-hearted stripper."

"Watch yourself, Winchester," Ruby said dangerously.

Benny pushed Dean out of the apartment, "let's not get her mad, brother," he chuckled, "she's got it under control in there."

"I hope so," Dean said, genuinely trusting Ruby. He wished he knew what Cas was going through, but he didn't. He was tired of forcing a cheerful disposition with no inkling of whether things would actually improve or if he was hung up on the past. Cas had come this far and Dean, though feeling defeated, refused to give up. He couldn't.

If someone like Ruby could better her life and find happiness, then, dammit, so could he and Cas. It would be all worth it in the end.

***

[Cas]

Cas sat in the middle of the bed, trying to concentrate on calming down. It was just peanut butter; he shouldn't have gotten so upset. Hell, he was pretty sure he had eaten the last of it himself when he got a contact high from Benny's wake and bake that morning. 

It was unclear how long Cas had been shut up in the bedroom, when he heard a knock on the door, "I'm fine, Dean," he said loudly, glaring at the door as it opened and Ruby poked her head in, "Oh...Ruby...I'm sorry, I thought you were Dean," he mumbled.

"Sucks, doesn't it?" Ruby pulled a bean bag chair to the center of the room and sat down.

Cas watched Ruby making herself at home, "excuse me?"

"The withdrawals," Ruby said bluntly, "I would know," she shifted on the bean bag, getting comfortable, "and it sucks."

"You overdosed?" Cas asked, curious. 

"Almost," Ruby said nonchalantly, "I used to do blow every day for bout two years. Then I did too much and Benny threw my ass in rehab," she chuckled, "but this is about you, not me."

"I only did it to make friends," Cas sighed, "then I really liked it, and before I knew it, I'd gone weeks without eating a real meal...all I wanted was coke."

"It's a hell of a high. Nothing quite like it. That's how it gets you," Ruby laughed without humor, "I'm three years clean now and let me tell you: nothing will ever fill that void fully, but it does get easier, I promise."

"How do you keep yourself from giving in?" Cas couldn't believe how relaxed Ruby was. He hated to admit it, but, if he was offered a line, he'd take it. The cravings weren't as bad anymore, but wanting coke was like having an itch you couldn't scratch.

"I remember how shitty things were and I just...don't do it. I'm happy, man. I own a titty bar, I have a great man. I don't need coke anymore," Ruby smiled, "you just have to look at the big picture. You've got it good, Cas. Better than I had it."

"I'm an unemployed, college drop-out," Cas mumbled, frowning.

"You have a boyfriend who love you more than anything...not to mention a load of people who care about you," Ruby rebutted without missing a beat, "oh, and your brother drove here when he found out that you weren't doing well," she raised an eyebrow, "you're still young. You could really turn your life around."

"Dean told you to talk to me, didn't he?" Cas scowled, knowing this was totally something Dean would set up.

"That pretty boy can't tell me what to do. I'm here on my own accord, because I know you're having a rough time," Ruby said, moving again, trying to get into a comfy position on the bean bag, "I know what you're going through. The irritability, bad dreams...wishing the coke had killed you," she added softly.

"It's so hard to control it," Cas whispered, closing his eyes, "on good days, it's easy...but on bad days..."

"You could literally punch Dean in the face?" Ruby offered, "I get it. Today's a bad day."

"It was just peanut butter," Cas shook his head, "I went ape-shit over peanut butter."

"If it makes you feel any better, I actually did hit Benny one time," Ruby shrugged, "but it gets better. Like I said, just remember that you have people who care and want you to get better. It's hard, but, let Dean in. Poor guy wants to help you so bad, but he feels like he can't do anything right."

"How long did it take you to get over the mood swings and stuff?" Cas asked sheepishly, afraid of how long he'd potentially have to deal with this unstable bullshit. 

"Months," Ruby groaned, "it felt like forever," she glanced at Cas, "but you weren't doing it as long as I was. You'll be feeling better in no time. But, I'm not a doctor, and it's different for every one. It's up to you to get better. Only you can make yourself kick the urges. If you don't want to, you'll never get better."

"I want to, it's just hard," Cas complained, running his fingers through his hair in frustration.

"If withdrawal was easy, they'd call it a slut," Ruby got up, "you got this, Cas. So, what do you say? Are you doing to kick these withdrawals in the ass?"

"I guess," Cas really wasn't in the mood to make a promise.

"Wrong answer," Ruby frowned at him, "if I can kick a coke habit, anyone can. So, you'd better promise me you won't give up. Do it for Dean."

"Since when are you so nice?" Cas gave her a quizzical look.

"Why do people keep asking me that?" Ruby snorted, "I like you two idiots and I miss the idiots who moved here in June, okay?"

Cas was a little surprised a the confession, but he was starting to realize that people did care. In a way he knew it already, but Ruby was so blatant, and had a way of telling it like it is, whether it was nice or not. It's exactly what Cas needed to heard, "I promise," he said finally, "I promise I'm going to beat this."

Ruby grinned, "that a boy, Cas. Now, let's cut the meltdowns over peanut butter to every other week, okay?"

Cas finally smiled, "I'm not making any promises about that. I really love peanut butter."


	9. Boys Night in Whiskey Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After six weeks, things are finally looking up for Dean and Cas. Everything is coming together, and Dean finally leaves Cas' side for an evening out with the boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news, readers!
> 
> I've gotten a new laptop and will be updating MUCH more. So, farewell hiatus and hello new chapter!
> 
> Enjoy, my lovelies, and bless you for your unwavering support and patience!
> 
> -Nikki Noir

[Cas]  
Six weeks had passed since the day Cas overdosed. He still had good and bad days, but the good days were slowly starting to outnumber the bad. Things were looking up for the first time in months.

Jodie offered Cas a job in the cafe, which he graciously accepted. It wasn’t much money, but it was better than nothing. He actually enjoyed being a barista because it kept his mind off of hitting rock bottom. The work may not have been glamorous, but he got to be creative on a daily basis, which was always a plus. 

Dean was reluctant to return to work; it was obvious. Cas knew that Dean was still worried and, though it was frustrating to accept, Cas couldn’t really blame him. He was just going to have to gain Dean’s trust again. He had to prove that he was getting better and wouldn’t relapse. 

Cas knew he’d do whatever it took to make Dean believe that he was as close to the Cas he fell in love with as was possible. Just a wise, somewhat less shy version. But, either way, his feelings for Dean hadn’t changed. He loved Dean with every molecule of his being and nothing was going to change that. 

“Hey, Dean?” Cas asked, one night after Benny and Ruby had left for a “CEOs and Office Hoes” themed night at her strip club.

Dean looked up from the TV, “what’s up?” he moved over on the couch, so Cas could sit.

“Why don’t you ever go out anymore?” Cas sidled up next to Dean, “And, going downstairs to the cafe while I work doesn’t count.” 

Dean shrugged, “I guess I’d rather be here with you.”

“Because you don’t trust me,” Cas sighed. He wasn’t angry; if anything, he was disappointed in himself, “I’m sorry, Dean.”

“I didn’t say-”

“You didn’t have to. I get it,” Cas smiled weakly, “I’m not going to gain back your trust over night,” he touched Dean’s hand, “but I’m trying.”

Dean closed his eyes, “it’s not that I don’t trust you. I just can’t handle the thought of not being there if you need me,” he opened one eye, glancing at Cas, “I couldn’t handle losing you, Cas.”

“You need to get out, Dean. It’s been weeks since you’ve ever gone to work,” Cas was frowning, “life is going to happen and it’s a waste of time to sit around, waiting for the inevitable. You can’t protect me from life. I know you wish you could,” he laced his fingers with Dean’s, “but you can’t. It would be stupid to try.”

“I’ve never been the smart one,” Dean nudged Cas playfully, “what’s wrong with wanting to make sure you’re okay?”

“It’s unnecessary to sit in the cafe, milking a coffee for four hours while I work,” Cas raised an eyebrow, “I know you care, but,” Cas inhaled slowly, gathering his thoughts before he continued, “I’m getting sick of you never leaving my side. I think you need to start living your life, instead of obsessing over mine.”

Dean looked taken aback for a moment. Surprise, from Cas’ bluntness, evident on his face, “I guess I never thought about it like that,” he frowned as he spoke, “I’m sorry, Cas. I didn’t mean to get obsessive.” 

Cas rolled his eyes, “don’t apologize. I know you care, but I’ve heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

“I should go back to work,” Dean sighed, “it’s going to be weird not seeing you all day.”

“I’ll bring you a caffeinated pick-me-up on your lunch break,” Cas glanced at Dean, “just so you know I’m not dean in a ditch with a crack pipe in my hand,” he quipped, chuckling darkly.

“That’s not funny,” Dean mumbled, hugging Cas to his side, “you’ve been kinda dark lately.”

“I think it comes with a near-death experience,” Cas half-smiled, “I’ll try to tone it down.”

Dean was quiet for several seconds, “what did Gabe say to you before he left?”

The abrupt subject change caught Cas off guard, “what?”

“Gabe said he had to chat with you before he left,” Dean played with a few strands of Cas’ hair as he spoke, “I was just wondering what he said.”

“I don’t really remember. Just typical Gabe stuff,” Cas shrugged, remembering exactly what his brother said, “I tuned him out so I wouldn’t snap at him.”

_Cas knew it was only a matter of time before someone knocked. He walked out on Dean and everyone else; surely they wouldn’t have the decency to leave him alone. When the knock did come, Cas rolled his eyes, sighing loudly as the door opened._

_“Look, Cassy, I just want to talk. Big bro to little bro,” Gabe shut the door behind him, taking a few cautious steps into the room.  
“What do you want, Gabriel?” Cas scowled at his brother, “I just want to sleep.”_

_Gabe folded his arms, “watch your tone. You’re the one who fucked up, not me,” he said coolly, “if anything, you should be the one trying to be nice.”_

_Cas bit his lip. Gabe was right, even though he hated to admit it, “why are you here, Gabe?” Cas asked quietly._

_“I hate being sappy, so I’m saying this only once,” Gabe locked eyes with Cas, “I was worried I was going to lose you. What else could I do? When Dean called, I panicked. Meg thought someone died,” Gabe chuckled without humor, “I never want to get a call like that again, Cassy,” he said sternly, “I promised Dad I’d keep an eye on you when he went to ‘Nam and I promised mom I’d look after you before she died.”_

_Cas hated when Gabe played the dead parents card, “I’m sorry,” he muttered, feeling a twinge of sadness as he thought about what his parents would say about everything that had happened._

_Gabe crossed the room and sat on the bed, “don’t say you’re sorry. Just promise me that it’s not gonna happen again,” he didn’t look at Cas, “I know you’re in for a rough time, but, I know you can overcome it,” he finally smiled, “especially with someone like Dean around.”_

_“Dean?” Cas cocked his head to the side, “This has nothing to do with Dean.”_

_“Well his coma had nothing to do with you, but, as I recall, you didn’t leave his side,” Gabe raised an eyebrow, glancing at Cas, “Dean’s not going to let you go through this alone. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I trust the guy,” Gabe rolled his eyes, a smirk playing his lips, “you really were right about Dean all along. He isn’t like the others.”_

_Cas knew that Gabe had warmed up to Dean, but this confession surprised him, “I was right? You’re actually admitting that I was right?”_

_“Yeah. I never thought I’d say it, but, if you two are happy together, I’ll gladly call him my brother-in-law,” Gabe winked at Cas, “I mean, I might as well, since you two are practically married.”_

_“We’re not married. That isn’t possible,” Cas sighed, his mind racing to the thought of a marriage that could never be._

_“You can pretend,” Gabe shrugged, “just accept me loving Dean like family and get better, okay?” he added, offering Cas his pinkie._

_Cas almost laughed, “you’re making me pinkie promise?” he asked, a smile threatening to spread across his lips. Gabe always made him pinkie swear when they were kids. It was their brotherly code of honor. To this day, they both had secrets between each other that no one else knew._

_“You’re damn right I am, bro,” Gabe said adamantly, “promise me you’re not going to give up, Cassy.”_

_Cas looked at Gabe’s pinkie for a moment before slowly linking his own with it, “I promise, Gabe.”_

Dean chuckled, “I was half expecting to have to break up a fight when Gabe went to talk to you.”

“As pissed off as I was, I don’t think I could ever hit my brother,” Cas half-smiled, “I’ve thought about it...but, Gabe just tends to have that effect on people.” 

“He’s a big brother. I get where he’s coming from,” Dean kissed the top of Cas’ head, “he loves you and so do I.”

Cas felt his cheeks flushing, “even after everything?” he asked sheepishly, risking a glance at Dean. This was the most affectionate they’d been since the overdose. Cas felt butterflies in his stomach when Dean’s gaze met his.

“Especially after everything,” Dean murmured, touching Cas’ cheek, “I’m positive we’re meant to be together,” he pressed their foreheads together, running his thumb along Cas’ lips.

Cas shivered at the sudden closeness, almost forgetting about how things used to be. They hadn’t kissed in weeks and Cas’ eyes habitually darted to Dean’s lips, “I haven’t heard a cheesy like like that since high school,” he mused, freezing when Dean brushed their lips together.

Dean laughed airily, cupping Cas’ cheek, “I haven’t gotten a reaction like that since high school,” Dean rebutted, smirking, “don’t tell me you forgot how to kiss,” he quipped, running his thumb along the stubble Cas hadn’t bothered to shave. 

“Oh, shut up,” Cas rolled his eyes, his cheeks burning.

Dean grinned, “why don’t you make me?”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Cas could hear his pulse beating in his ear. He desperately wanted to kiss Dean, but for some reason he felt reluctant. After everything, he couldn’t help feeling like they were back at square one. 

“I think you’d like it ever more,” Dean licked his lips, raising an eyebrow.

Cas opened his mouth to make a comeback, but closed it, unable to think of anything to say. Dean caught him totally off guard when he pressed their lips together. Everything seemed to fade out around them, as Cas leaned into the kiss, closing his eyes as Dean pulled him closer. 

All the pent up frustrations from everything came out at once, in a near-frantic flurry of groping. Dean tangled his fingers in Cas’ hair, nipping at his lips ass he shifted so he could pull Cas onto his lap. Cas broke the kiss, inhaling sharply when Dean brushed his fingers across the patch of skin peeking out on his back, where his t-shirt had ridden up. 

“Sorry,” Dean half-smiled, “heat of the moment,” he leaned in and kissed Cas again, “I missed this.”

“Me too,” Cas laced his fingers with Dean’s, ghosting his lips over Dean’s knuckles, “I love you, Dean,” he said, suddenly feeling a lump in his throat as memories, of the giddiness he used to feel, came flooding back. He always loved Dean, but he hadn’t felt so overcome with emotion in a long time. Not since the beginning. 

Dean’s smile faded, “you’re crying,” he gingerly wiped a stray tear from Cas’ cheek, “are you okay?” he looked concerned.

Cas let go of Dean’s hand and wiped his eyes, nodding, “actually, I’m great,” he said, his voice hoarse, “I haven’t felt this good in a long time,” he smiled, meaning every word. Things would be okay now. He finally understood what Ruby meant about finding the reason not to relapse. That reason was Dean. It would always be Dean. 

***

[Dean]  
After the night Dean had finally kissed Cas, he knew things were slowly, but surely, getting better. There was something so genuine about Cas saying he felt good that Dean believed him without question. He knew he didn’t have to worry and could go back to work, but, at the same time, there would always be the fleeting thought of the worst possible situations in the back of his mind. It would be difficult to ignore, but he knew that for the sake of the relationship, he needed to trust Cas, and, for the first time in months, he truly did. 

The trust Dean had in Cas, however, didn’t stop him from having an extremely stressful first day back at work. To say he was on edge was a total understatement. 

“Hey, man, looking at the clock every two seconds ain’t gonna make time move faster,” Ash said, catching Dean looking at the clock for the third time in ten minutes, “you’ve only been here an hour.”

Dean leaned against his workbench, sighing,”I’m just not used to being away from Cas.” 

“Stop being such an obsessive girlfriend,” Ash snorted, “Cas is fine, and I think you need a friggin’ night out with the boys. You and Cas both do,” he joined Dean, nudging him, “let’s go for a night on the town. Drinks and manly shit.” 

Dean couldn’t help laughing, “drinks and manly shit,” he couldn’t possibly turn down an invitation like that, “I’m intrigued about this manly shit you’re talking about.”

“You know, manly shit, like, uh, steak,” Ash pulled a half-smoked cigarette out from behind his ear and lit it, “crap like that.”

“So, we’re going to get whiskey drunk and gossip?” Dean shook his head, laughing, “what a rugged bunch of men.”

“Basically,” Ash glanced at Benny, who had just poked his head into the doorway, “hey, B, are you up for a boy’s night? Dean and Cas need a night out.” 

“I’m down, brother,” Benny smiled, “those two need to leave that apartment.”

“I still haven’t agreed to this,” Dean complained.

“Don’t make me use force,” Ash raised an eyebrow, “it’s almost the holidays. Let’s go out and have some good, old fashioned drunken fun.”

“I’m not going to get out of this, am I?” Dean wasn’t really sure if he was ready for a night out, but at the same time, he missed going out with the guys. It had been too long. He just hoped Cas would come, so he wouldn’t worry all night. 

“Drinks are on me tonight, so you’re coming out,” Benny was grinning, “I’ll call Chuck and tell him to meet us at that new bar, Purgatory.” 

“Good idea, man. Tell that hippie to bring some of that purple shit with him,” Ash called after Benny as he left, “I’m all out.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Benny called back, laughing.

Ash looked at Dean, “so, I’ll see you gents tonight,” he winked before leaving Dean alone.

In all honesty, Dean was excited to go out. Even if Cas didn’t go, he knew he needed to unwind. Benny and Ash were right- he really needed to get out. He had no complaints about the time he’d spent with Cas, but he was starting to get stir-crazy, even if he didn’t let it show. 

Dean lost track of time, thinking about the upcoming night out. It wasn’t until he felt a hand on his shoulder that he was brought back to the present, “Cas?” 

“I told you I’d bring you caffeine while I was on my lunch break,” Cas held up a cup from the cafe, “remember?”

Dean finally smiled, “thanks, Cas,” he took the cup, “how was your morning?” he asked, after a long, appreciative sip. 

“Not bad,” Cas wiped a smear of grease from Dean’s forehead, “it was slow, so I practiced foam art. Jodie said I wasn’t half bad, but I think she was just being nice,” he laughed to himself, “how’s your first day back?”

Dean shrugged, “rough, but it’s getting better,” he put the cup down on his workbench, “we’ve been invited for a night out, actually.” 

Cas frowned, “you know it’s a dumb idea for me to go out. I’ve been doing so well-”

“I’m not forcing you out,” Dean bumped a kiss on Cas’ temple, “I wanted to ask if it was cool that I went out.” 

“Go,” Cas said without hesitation, “you deserve a night out. Besides, I wanted to call Anna anyway,” he touched Dean’s hand, “I’ll be fine alone.”

“If you need anything, we’re just going to that new bar on Haight Street...you know, that Purgatory one,” Dean squeezed Cas’ hand, “tell Anna I say hello.” 

“I’ll try. She might be upset that I haven’t called since before that whole coke thing,” Cas sighed, “I’m really dreading this phone call.” 

“Good luck,” Dean looped his arm around Cas’ waist, “I wish you could come out,” he murmured, kissing the tip of Cas’ nose. He wasn’t trying to pressure Cas into going out, but he also felt like he wouldn’t feel as bad about being drunk if Cas was out drinking too.

“I’ll be at the flat when you get home,” Cas pressed his lips to Dean’s, “I’m just not ready for a night out yet,” he glanced at the clock, “I should get back to the cafe.” 

“I’ll see you later,” Dean pulled Cas in for another kiss, “I love you,” he added in a whisper before letting Cas go. 

Cas grinned at Dean, his cheeks flushed, “I hope you have fun tonight,” he touched Dean’s cheek, “just don’t black out, okay?”

“You just told me to have fun,” Dean chuckled, walking Cas out of the garage.

“Responsible fun,” Cas corrected himself, laughing, “just stay sober enough to get up the stairs and I’ll cook something for you when you get home. Deal?”

Dean chuckled, “deal.” 

***  
[Cas]  
After an eight hour shift at the cafe, Cas was thankful when Jodie told him he could leave. He headed up to the empty apartment; Dean had called the cafe to let him know that he wouldn’t be home after work, so Cas would have the place to himself all night. 

Cas took a shower and put on his favorite pair of sweatpants before going into the kitchen. He took a chair from the table and pulled it up next to the phone, before he dialed his old phone number and held the receiver to his ear. It rang four times before the other line picked up. 

“Hello?” came Anna’s familiar voice.

“Hi Anna,” Cas said quietly, waiting for his sister to start yelling.

“Cas? Is that you?” Anna, to Cas’ absolute surprise, sounded excited.

“It’s me,” Cas said, his voice still shy, “how have you been?”

“Busy, as usual. Wow, I’m so glad you called. How is everything out there?” Anna asked, still sounding cheerful.

Cas didn’t anticipate Anna being so nonchalant and bubbly, “better. I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner. I just-”

“You’re an adult. I respect that you have your own life, so don’t worry about it. I’m sure you already had your fill of a motherly sibling with Gabe,” Anna laughed, “I knew you’d call when you got a chance.” 

“So...you’re not mad at me for all that stuff that happened?” Cas asked, still kind of shocked that he wasn’t being scolded. 

“Mad? No,” Anna sighed, “disappointed? Yes,” she paused for a moment, “but, I think you learned your lesson.” 

“I did,” Cas mumbled, his mind wandering to recent events, “it won’t happen again.”

“Good,” Anna’s tone was stern, but changed instantly, “so, how is Dean? You boys must be excited for the holidays.” 

“Dean’s out for something called a boy’s night. I told him to go because he hasn’t left my side in weeks,” Cas chuckled, thankful that Anna changed the subject, “as for the holidays, we don’t really have anything planned. Everything has been so crazy that we kind of forgot.”

“That’s alright. I’m having some alone time this Christmas,” Anna sounded cheerful, but Cas didn’t believe for a minute that she wanted to be alone during the holidays.

“Actually,” Cas got an idea and couldn’t stop himself from blurting it out, “you should spend Christmas in San Francisco.”

“Really?” Anna asked excited.

“Our roommate and his girlfriend will be in Vegas for the holidays, so it’ll just be me and Dean here,” Cas was smiling, glad he had the idea. He knew Dean wouldn’t mind, “we can show you around town and have a Christmas like we used to.” 

“You guys are in charge of the tree. Leave the rest up to me,” Anna shuffled something around on her end that sounded like paper, “so, I guess I’ll head out on the, um,” she flipped through papers, Cas assumed she was looking at her work schedules, “oh! I could head out on the twenty-second.”

“That’s perfect,” Cas made a mental note of the date, “Gabe can give you directions, right?”

“I’ll have him write them down,” Anna paused, “speaking of the devil, he just walked in, so, I’ll let you go. See you soon!” she hung up.

Cas hung up the receiver, grinning. He’d almost forgotten how lucky he was to have Anna. This Christmas was going to be decidedly better than the last one. Nothing was going to change that. For the first time in a while, Cas felt cautiously optimistic that things were going to go his way. It was a good feeling. 

\---

It was about midnight when Cas heard banging around, followed by Benny’s, obviously inebriated, voice, “Cas, brother, you wanna help me out?” a loud crash followed, making Cas get out of bed faster.

Cas walked out of his room and saw Benny trying to drag, a very drunk, Dean toward the bathroom. He ran over and helped Benny get Dean standing upright, “how much did he drink?” he asked, frowning.

Dean laughed, “lighten up, Cas,” he slurred, “I never drink anymore,” he hiccupped and covered his mouth with his hand.

Cas rolled his eyes and sat Dean down next to the toilet, just in time for a waterfall of everything Dean had consumed, to come spilling out. Cas and Benny backed off as Dean sputtered against the bowl. He handed Dean a towel, “are you going to be okay?” he asked, chuckling. Dean groaned miserable, making Cas snort with laughter, “I’ll get you some water.”

“I’ll get it,” Benny slapped Dean on the back, “but then I’m meeting the gents over at Ruby’s.”

Dean gagged and flipped off Benny, who snickered. Cas sat on the edge of the tub after Benny left to get water, “what possessed you to get so drunk?” he asked, rubbing Dean’s back.

“I’m fine,” Dean mumbled, spitting into the toilet, “I just didn’t eat.”

Cas sighed, “next time you’re not allowed to go out and play with the boys until I’ve fed you,” he tried to sound stern, but Dean laughed, making him laugh too, “do you want me to make you something to eat? You got upstairs and I promised I’d cook if you got up here.”

“You’re such a good little wife, Cas,” Dean looked at Cas, resting his cheek on the wooden toilet seat, “I love you.”

“I love you too, brother,” Benny said, walking back into the bathroom, holding a glass of water and a half-empty beer, “you sure you’re not up for round two? You just lost all your progress,” he handed the water to Cas.

Dean groaned, “I don’t want to think of whiskey,” he took the water from Cas, sitting up slowly, so he could take a sip. Almost instantly, he was gagging.

Benny nodded for Cas to follow him, so he did, while Dean was heaving. They went out into the hallway, “Dean was the only one who went overboard. We got to reminiscing and Christmas came up,” Benny said quietly, “Dean got real quiet and started downing shots, so we tried to get him to leave, but he wanted one more round,” he frowned, “and got belligerent when the bartender refused him. We managed to get him back here, but not without a fight on his part.” 

“He went into a coma last Christmas,” Cas whispered, looking at the floor, “I’ll talk to him. You go enjoy round two,” he forced a smile at Benny.

Benny saluted Cas, “don’t you kids wait up,” he clapped Cas on the shoulder before stumbling out of the apartment. 

Cas collected himself before returning to Dean’s side. Dean was laying on the toilet sleep, his eyes closed, snoring. Cas had to bite his lip so he wouldn’t laugh at how ridiculous Dean looked, sleeping on the toilet.

“I don’t think you want to sleep there, Dean,” Cas touched Dean’s shoulder.

“I’m good here,” Dean hugged the toilet, “I might need it.” 

“You need to brush your teeth and sleep in a bed,” Cas flushed the toilet, causing Dean to sit up and scowl at him, “don’t look at me like that. I’m trying to help sober you out. I’m sure smelling your own vomit, first thing in the morning, after a night of drinking, isn’t something you want.” 

“Too many words,” Dean braced himself on the tub and got up. Cas looped his arm around Dean’s waist to steady him, “I can stand,” Dean went over to the sink and grabbed his toothbrush, “Cas?”

“What is it?” Cas asked, picking up the glass of water. He put it on the sink.

“Christmas fucking sucks,” Dean squeezed toothpaste onto the toothbrush, “can we ignore it this year?”

Cas watched Dean attempt to brush his teeth, “we can’t ignore it just because last year sucked. I like the holidays.”

Dean spit into the sink and took a sip of water to rinse his mouth, spitting it out, “every Christmas is bullshit,” he complained, wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Cas asked, touching Dean’s hand.

“I’m tired,” Dean stammered out of the bathroom, toward the bedroom.

Cas followed close behind, in case Dean lost his balance, “if you’re going to sleep, take your shoes off. I hate when you sleep in your boots.” 

Dean kicked his boots off, once he was sitting on the bed, “happy, your majesty?” he smirked at Cas, his eyes glossy.

“No. Benny said you went overboard when they mentioned Christmas. This isn’t just about last year, is it?” Cas didn’t want to test Dean, but he was curious.

Dean ignored Cas and flopped down on his side of the bed, facing the wall. Cas flipped the light off and climbed into bed, curling up against Dean’s back. Dean’s breathing was ragged, “are you crying? Dean...I’m sorry,” he hugged Dean from behind, “I was just curious. I’ll drop it.”

“You deserve to know,” Dean’s voice was hoarse, “I wanted to tell you.” 

Cas wasn’t sure if he wanted to know, but it was clearly upsetting Dean and needed to get it out, “tell me what?”

“You aren’t the first guy I’ve been with,” Dean said in a pained whisper, “Christmas before last…”

“Anyone I know?” Cas asked, not exactly thrilled that Dean was telling him all this while drunk, but, he was intrigued nonetheless.

“I’ll give you three guesses,” Dean turned so he was facing Cas.

Cas was thoughtful for a moment. The first person that came to mind was back in Heaven Hills, “well, if it was Mike, it would certainly explain a lot,” Cas chuckled, “or maybe it was Adam? He’s cute.”

“You’re not mad?” Dean sounded surprised, “I thought you’d be pissed.”

“I don’t care if you’ve been with someone else,” Cas sidled up to Dean, “I do care that you’re beating around the bush. Who was it?” Cas asked eagerly.

“It was Mike. You guessed right,” Dean sighed, “did you know all along?”

“No, but I had a feeling there was something between you two. I mean, Mike hated me,” Cas pressed a kiss to Dean’s neck, “what happened that Christmas?”

“We drank, we fucked and we got caught,” Dean draped his arm around Cas, “Mike’s sister, Naomi, walked in and told me to leave or she’d go to my dad. So, I left. Come to find out, the stupid bitch already called my dad,” Dean exhaled slowly, “he tried to beat the gay out of me that Christmas. If Sammy and Jess hadn’t shown up, he probably would have killed me,” he murmured, hugging Cas to his chest.

“This Christmas will be different,” Cas let Dean hug him, “Anna’s coming.”

Dean yawned, “for Christmas?”

“Is that okay?” Cas knew Dean was starting to doze off, and in all honestly, his own eye lids were starting to droop.

“I fucking love Anna,” Dean mumbled, already half-asleep, “we’ll have real ginger for the gingerbread.”

Cas couldn’t help laughing, “don’t call her a ginger to her face. She’ll kick your ass.”

“Damn. That joke was gonna be my opener,” Dean’s murmur was sleep-addled, he was barely conscious.

“Goodnight, Dean,” Cas tugged the blanket over both of them.

Dean muttered something unintelligible in response, which sounded like ‘I love you’ before he started to snore softly.

Cas kissed Dean’s cheek, “I love you too, Dean.”


	10. Big Red Takes San Francisco

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Anna's visit draws near, Cas goes into overdrive to prepare everything, but the plan goes out the window when she shows up earlier than planned.

[Dean]  
In the week leading up to Anna’s visit, Dean couldn’t help but be cheerful. Cas was doing a lot better, and everything was good. Dean may have had a grudge against Christmas, but something was different this year. Maybe this Christmas would be okay. 

The day before Anna was due to arrive, Dean was woken up at the crack of dawn, by Cas shaking his shoulder, “Dean, wake up,” Cas said excitedly, “Anna’s going to be here in less than thirty hours, get up!”

Dean groaned and swatted Cas’ hand away, “five more minutes,” he mumbled, opening one eye to check the time. 5:45 AM.

“We need to get a tree,” Cas was practically bouncing at this point, “wake up,” he said impatiently, reminding Dean of one of those little dogs with all the energy. 

“The trees will be there later,” Dean yawned, still not ready to get up. This was earlier than he woke up on a work day, “it’s early and I haven’t had my caffeine fix.” 

“we live above a cafe. Get a coffee on your way out,” Cas tugged at Dean’s arm, “we have to find the perfect tree,” he whined, “Deaaaaaan!”

Dean hadn’t seen Cas so excited in months. He gave in instantly, “I’m awake,” he sat up, rubbing his eyes before looking at Cas, “are you really already dressed?” Dean laughed, still groggy, “when the hell did you get up?”

Cas grinned at Dean, “an hour ago. I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I helped Jodie open the cafe, She let me drink as much coffee as I wanted,” he went over to the window and opened the curtains, “I think I’m a little wired.”

“A little?” Dean stretched, yawning, “how much coffee did you have?”

Cas shrugged, tossing Dean his jeans, “two foglifters and an Americano,” he picked up Dean’s boots, “and a shot of espresso.” 

“You’re a fiend,” Dean tugged on his jeans, “no more caffeine today. We don’t need you having a heart attack right before Christmas,” he wasn’t trying to start a fight, it’s just that Dean worried. Lisa had mentioned that Cas should take it easy with caffeine, because it speeds up heart rate and wasn’t good for someone who’d recently been in cardiac arrest. 

“Fine,” Cas folded his arms, his smile fading, “but I’m getting a hot chocolate for the ride.”

“How can you still be thirsty?” Dean pulled on his boots, “I hate to sound like a parent, but, I’m not pulling over every five minutes so you can take a piss.”

“I’m going to need hot chocolate is we’re looking for a Christmas tree,” Cas said stubbornly.

“Why?” Dean knew Cas wasn’t going to waver, and he didn’t actually care if Cas got hot cocoa. He was more curious about the reason behind needing it. 

“Tradition,” Cas looked down, “every year, except for last year, the Novak tradition was to have cocoa while finding our Christmas tree. We’d get up early and stop for breakfast at a diner,” he smiled, “and then we’d drive around all day until the five of us found the perfect tree.” 

Dean got up and stretched again, “well, the van is a gas guzzler and I Know only one place that sells trees, so, the perfect tree is going to have to be there.”

Cas followed Dean out of the bedroom, “stop being so grouchy,” he grabbed Dean’s hand, “this is supposed to be fun.”

“I’m only fun after nine in the morning,” Dean yawned again, feeling his stomach rumbling, “or after a pile of bacon,” he grinned, squeezing Cas’ hand, “this tree is going to have to wait until I’ve had some breakfast.”

***

[Cas]  
After watching Dean eat his weight in bacon and flapjacks, Cas was getting impatient. Anna was going to be in San Francisco in a day and there was so much to do. 

“What should we get Anna for Christmas this year?” Dean asked, once they left the diner, “I thought we could give her something from both of us.”

Cas had put so much thought into Anna’s visit, that he’d totally forgotten about present, “we could do that,” he glanced at Dean, “maybe we could give her a bunch of art supplies. She goes through more paint than anyone I know,” Cas chuckled, “honestly, I don’t know what I’m getting for anyone this year.”

“I’m setting a five dollar limit for gifts,” Dean turned into a dirt parking lot, “I don’t want you spending a shit load of money on me, okay?”

Cas frowned, “five dollars? That’s not enough for-”

“Well, then you’ll just have to get creative. I already have your gift and all it took was a few bucks and a friend of Benny’s,” Dean smirked at Cas, “and you’re going to love it.”

“I’m not creative,” Cas complained, frantically trying to brainstorm cheap, crafty gifts ideas. This wasn’t the stress he wanted right now. How the hell could he have forgotten the Christmas presents?

“You’ll figure it out,” Dean opened the door and got out of the van.

Cas joined Dean, strolling toward the wooden racks of trees. It was still early, so they were the only ones browsing. The lot owner was sitting on the tree bagging branch, smoking a cigarette, completely ignoring them. 

“So...what about this one?” Dean asked, after circling the lot with Cas twice.

Cas looked at the tree. It was nice, but not the perfect tree. He would know the perfect tree the moment he saw it, “not that one,” he continued inspecting each tree, taking his time to hold up every single one. 

All the trees were great, but Cas didn’t find the one special tree. He knew Dean was getting frustrated, but finding the right tree was one of, if not the most important part of Christmas, “it’s not here,” Cas said after another circle around the lot, “none of these will work,” he said sadly, “I know you think this is dumb, but it’s important to me.”

Dean sighed, “let me ask if there’s anymore trees here,” he walked off to find the owner.

Cas started to walk back to the van, when a very small tree caught his attention. It looked more like a branch than an actual tree, but there was something special about it. Cas crouched down and gently touched one of the delicate limbs. To most onlookers, this tree was pathetic, and it would most likely sit in this lot until the season was over, never being a part of anyone’s holiday. That thought made Cas sad, “you’re perfect,” he whispered, hearing Dean calling his name, “I’m back here, Dean,” he yelled, standing up as Dean came into view.

“The guy says we’d have to drive an hour to find another place,” Dean pulled out his keys, “ready to go?”

“I found it,” Cas was beaming, “the perfect tree.”

“Where is it?” Dean raised an eyebrow.

Cas pointed to the tree, “isn’t it great?” he asked excitedly.

“Cas, that’s a branch sticking out of a piece of wood,” Dean snorted.

Cas folded his arms, “if we don’t take it home, who will?” he demanded. 

“I don’t know, Charlie Brown?” Dean chuckled at his own joke, “I thought you wanted an awesome tree.”

“I want this tree,” Cas said adamantly, and he wasn’t going to cave, “it deserves to be a part of our Christmas, Dean.”

“What?” Dean looked confused.

“We’re misfits just like the tree. Misfits need to stick together,” Cas picked up the tree with one hand, “besides, all those other trees would be a pain to lug through the cafe and up a flight of stairs.” 

“You have a point there,” Dean admitted, waving the owner over.

“Can I help you?” the owner asked, dropping his cigarette on the ground.

“How much for the Peanuts tree?” Dean asked, nodding toward Cas and his branch.

The owner gave Dean a quizzical look, “that one?”

“Yes, sir,” Dean pulled out his wallet.

“You’re joking, right?”

“I want this tree,” Cas chimed in, “it’s perfect.”

The owner burst out laughing, “you know what, man? Take it,” he said, shaking with laughter, “hell, I’ll give you a buck to take it,” he handed a dollar to Dean, wiping tears from his eyes, “you two have a jolly one,” he walked off, still chuckling.

Cas grinned at Dean, “our first Christmas tree,” he turned to head back to the van, “it’s perfect.”

“It sure is something,” Dean mused, watching Cas secure the tree in the back of the van.

Cas got into the van, excited about Christmas. ANna said to worry about the tree and now Cas only had to concern himself with cleaning the apartment and shopping for gifts. With several days remaining before Christmas, he felt optimistic.

***  
[Cas]  
The anxiety of Anna’s visit didn’t fully hit Cas until the alarm clock went off just before seven the following morning. Dean mumbled something, swatting at the clock before draping his arm around Cas, pulling him close. As much as Cas wanted to stay in bed with Dean, he knew Anna would be arriving in a few hours. 

“We have to get up,” Cas tried to wriggle out of Dean’s embrace, “Anna-”

“Five minutes,” Dean squeezed Cas, “Anna won’t be here until noon and Benny isn’t leaving with Ruby for another hour, so relax.”

Cas sighed, humoring Dean and making a mental checklist of everything that needed to be done before Anna got there. He had stayed up late to make sure their abode was clean and Christmasy; the tree was decorated with a couple small ornaments, a batch of muffins were baked and even the stockings had been hung over the radiator with care. As far as gifts went, Cas took an hour and went to a local marketplace and managed to find something for Dean and Anna. Almost everything was ready for Anna’s arrival.

The bedroom door opened, making Cas and Dean jump, “fuck, Ruby, I thought we solved the not knocking problem,” Dean complained, frowning at the petite woman, who was smirking. 

“Easy, lover boy, I just came to tell Cas that his sister is on the phone,” Ruby leaned against the door frame,

Cas climbed out of bed, “is she okay?” he asked, pulling on a t-shirt.

Ruby shrugged, “I told her I’d wake you up and she said thanks. It wasn’t exactly a conversation,” she rolled her eyes, “I left the phone on the counter.”

Cas padded into the kitchen and grabbed the phone, “Anna?” he held the receiver to his ear, “It’s Cas.”

“Cas! Hi!” Anna sounded excited, “sorry I woke you up. I left Heaven Hills last night,” she chuckled, “I couldn’t sleep, so I drove all night instead.” 

“Where are you now?” Cas noticed there was already coffee made and poured himself a cup, holding the phone to his ear with his shoulder.

“I’m on a pay phone in Haight Ashbury park,” Anna said sheepishly, “I know I said noon...but I see the coffee shop that Gabe told me about, so, I’m basically across the street.”

“Wait, you’re here? Now?” Cas could feel his pulse quicken with anxiety over everything that hadn’t been done- shower, make a nice lunch and change the linens on the pull out bed, “I’ll be right down, if you want to grab a coffee downstairs.”

Anna laughed, “calm down, Cas. Take your time. I don’t mind sitting in the cafe.” 

“I’ll see you in a few,” Cas hung up the phone and ran past Ruby, into the bedroom, “get up,” he said, pawing through the closet for clothes, “she’s here.”

Dean yawned, “then have her sleep on the couch for a few hours. It’s early-”

“Dean,” Cas snapped, whipping a shirt at Dean.

“I’m up,” Dean climbed out of bed, “I’ll start breakfast.”

Cas smiled gratefully at Dean before toeing into his shoes and leaving the room. He headed down to the cafe, scanning the tables until he spotted Anna at the counter, talking to Jodie, so he walked over.

“I thought I told you to take your time,” Anna was smiling, “your shirt is inside out, little brother.” 

Cas looked down, “crap,” he felt his cheeks flush, “I didn’t even notice.” 

“I woke you up, stop trying to impress me,” Anna held her arms out, “and give me a hug.”

Cas smiled and pulled his sister into a bear hug, “I missed you, Anna,” he mumbled, suddenly feeling emotional.

“Missed you more,” Anna let go of Cas and ruffled his hair, “I don’t know about you, but I could go for some breakfast and a mid-morning nap.”

“Dean’s cooking some breakfast,” Cas helped Anna with her bags, listening to her chat about the drive here as they headed back upstairs.

After a round of introductions to Benny and Ruby, Anna was nearly tackled by Dean, “can’t breathe, Dean,” Anna giggled as Dean released her from a vice-grip hug, “Cas said you were cooking breakfast.” 

“My specialty,” Dean said proudly, “cereal and milk.” 

“Sounds fancy,” Anna punched Dean’s arm, “did you get your culinary training in France? You’re a hell of a chef.”

“That’s one way of putting it,” Cas mused, remembering the numerous times Dean had burnt food.

“It was either cereal or burnt toast,” Dean shrugged.

“Maybe we can go to that breakfast joint up the street,” Cas suggested, desperate to show Anna that he had his life together, especially after everything that had happened.

“Actually, I think I’d like to chill out for a while,” Anna took a seat on the sofa, “I did just drive all night,” she raised an eyebrow at Cas, “and you look like you haven’t slept either, Cas.” 

“I slept,” Cas argued.

“Two hours isn’t sleeping,” Dean cut in, “you were up all night.”

“He was cleaning the bathroom at two this morning,” Benny said, strolling into the parlor, holding two suitcases, “Dean isn’t exaggerrating.” 

Cas folded his arms, “hospitality is hard work.” 

“Then it’s settled. Nap first, food later,” Anna said in a final tone.

“Ya’ll enjoy yourselves. Ruby and I have a flight to catch,” Benny was joined by Ruby, holding two more large suitcases.

“Ready to go, babe?” Ruby asked, putting her luggage down.

“Ready,” Benny waved at everyone before leaving with Ruby. 

Cas helped Dean pull out the sofa bed for Anna; he tried to insist on changing sheets, but Anna ignored him and flopped down, “the sheets are clean,” she looked at Cas and Dean, “sorry I’m such a boring house guest.”

“I would never make you apologize for letting me take a nap,” Dean said before Cas could say anything.

“Are you sure you don’t need anything?” Cas knew he was being neurotic, but he felt like he had so much to prove. He had been clean for almost two full months, and he felt good. He had to show Anna and Dean that he was okay. Everything was okay.

“Cas, go to bed,” Anna said firmly. 

Cas opened his mouth to argue, but knew it was fruitless, “if you need anything-”

“I’ll get it myself,” Anna looked at Dean, “he’s not to leave that room until he’s slept at least a few hours, got it, Dean?”

Dean grabbed Cas’ hand, “Anna’s here all week, come on,” he murmured, sounding tired. 

Cas was too exhausted to fight. He didn’t like being treated like a kid, but, he knew they only did it because they worried about him, “okay, okay,” he smiled weakly at Anna before letting Dean lead him to their room. He fell asleep almost instantly when his head hit the pillow. 

***  
[Dean]  
Once Cas was asleep, Dean slipped out of bed and snuck back into the parlor, where Anna was pawing through one of her bags. She looked up at him and smiled, “Cas is already sleeping, isn’t he?”

“He was out the minute he hit the pillow,” Dean curled up in the armchair, “he hasn’t had a good night of sleep in days. I’ve never seen him so concerned about a visit,” he chuckled, “I saw him scrubbing the kitchen floor grout with a toothbrush yesterday.”

“Cas probably thought that Gabe told me he was a mess and his life was a disaster area,” Anna pulled her hairbrush out of her bag, “Cas just wants to show us that he’s trying to make things right again.” 

“I guess that makes sense,” Dean watched Anna brush her hair, “what did Gabe tell you, anyway?”

“That Cas was at rock bottom and the only way to go was up,” Anna said quietly, “he said that Cas was stronger than he gives himself credit for,” she was thoughtful for a moment, “and Gabe was right.” 

“I hate to admit it, but, he usually is,” Dean half-smiled, “how’s Gabe doing?”

Anna bit her lip, looking excited, “actually,” she looked toward the bedroom, then back to Dean, lowering her voice, “Gabe proposed to Meg and she said yes,” she whispered, clearly trying not to wake Cas, “don’t tell Cas. Gabe made me promise not to tell, because he wants to tell Cas himself.” 

The news came as a total surprise to Dean. He was actually speechless. Gabe and Meg were getting married. Dean grinned, “are we taking bets on which one of them loses their mind planning the wedding?” he asked jokingly, “I’ll put my money on Gabe going groomzilla on everyone.” 

“It’ll definitely be Gabe. It’s a Novak trait to go a little crazy under stress,” Anna said lightly, separating her hair into sections, braiding it, “I’m sure you’ve noticed that.”

“Definitely,” Dean chuckled, “I’ll avoid wedding stuff if I talk to Gabe,” the idea of marriage never really phased Dean. After his parents separated, he never gave any thought to anything involving weddings or marriage. But, now that someone he knew was getting hitched...his mind couldn’t help wandering to the subject.

Dean knew that, legally, marriage was impossible for him and Cas, but, if it was possible, he’d marry Cas in a heartbeat. He wouldn’t care where the venue was or what color the napkins were...as long as he got to say, “I do,” it would be the best day.

“Do what?” Anna’s voice surprised Dean out of his daydream.

Did he just say ‘I do’ out loud? “Uh, I,” Dean cleared his throat, “think I might want a nap,” he got up, praying the flushing in his cheeks wasn’t visible. 

Anna raised an eyebrow, “you’d better not be running off to tell Cas about Gabe and Meg. It’s a little odd to run off right after getting big news-”

‘Chill,” Dean held his hands up, “the wedding is Novak business. I’ve learned to just butt out and mind my own business when it comes to stuff like this,” he pulled an extra blanket out of the ottoman and handed it to Anna, “Novaks are crazy and I’d prefer to stay on your good side,” he added jokingly, winking.

“From what I’ve heard, the Winchesters aren’t exactly the poster children of sanity,” Anna rebutted, grinning, “but, I guess us crazies have to stick together.” 

“It’s better than being crazy alone,” Dean glanced out the window, hearing a truck drive by, “being alone and crazy would suck.”

“Unless you were crazy enough to not know you were alone,” Anna said, looking thoughtful for a second, “but that’s sad…”

“You need to sleep,” Dean mused.

Anna nodded, looking troubled, “yeah...I’m not coherent enough to be having any philosophical conversations about mental illness,” she was frowning, “I’m going to nap for an hour or two. Wake me up for lunch, okay?”

Dean promised he’d wake Anna up before retiring to the bedroom. Cas was snoring blissfully, hugging his pillow; he didn’t stir when Dean carefully slid under the blankets. Closing his eyes, Dean let his mind wander to the idea of marriage. He wished it was possible to get a marriage license. The thought of proposing to Cas made his heart skip a beat. He was starting to obsess over everything from proposals to weddings. He wanted to marry Cas, but since it was unlikely, he was just going to have to come up with a Plan B.


	11. A Very Novak Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Anna in San Francisco, Christmas goes off without a hitch. Cas and Dean receive good news about Gabe and Meg, but Dean then gets a call from Sam with some unnerving news. The bad news doesn't affect Dean for long. Christmas presents are a lovely distraction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NEW YEAR, YOU BEAUTIFUL READERS!
> 
> Few things: 
> 
> 1\. This fic is nearing completion. HOWEVER, there is a somewhat long epilogue planned.   
> 2\. Speaking of endings, I've said it many times, but, this will NOT have an adorably fluffy ending.  
> 3\. THANK YOU FOR READING!
> 
> Without further rambling: THE FLUFFTASTIC CHRISTMAS CHAPTER! ENJOY! <3

Christmas Eve 1976  
[Cas]  
The smell of pancakes woke Cas up on the morning of Christmas Eve. He inhaled, smiling, as he opened his eyes. Dean was still asleep, his face peaceful. Cas couldn’t resist stealing a kiss. 

Dean opened one eye, “a sneak attack, huh?” he mumbled, tugging Cas closer to press their lips together, “Merry Christmas, Cas,” he said, stroking Cas’ cheek with his thumb. 

Cas kissed Dean again, grinning, “it’s not Christmas yet,” he murmured, cuddling up to Dean, “can we just lay here all morning?” he asked, feeling happier than he had all year. Sure, the previous Christmas had been rough, but for some reason, he had a good feeling about this year. Good feelings were so rare that Cas planned on basking in this one. He didn’t want the moment to end. 

Before Dean could answer, there was a soft knock on the door, “chocolate chip pancakes are ready,” Anna said cheerfully from behind the door, “wake up, you two! It’s Christmas Eve!” 

“Guess that answers your question,” Dean chuckled, getting out of bed.

Cas was annoyed for a split-second, until chocolate chip pancakes were mentioned. Anna always made them on Christmas Eve and he didn’t waste and time climbing out of bed. After all, Anna’s cooking was fantastic. 

Anna was plating the pancakes when Cas and Dean walked into the kitchen, “morning, boys,” she spooned some of her homemade whipped cream onto each stack of pancakes, “I hope you’re hungry. I kind of went overboard.” 

Dean took a seat at the table and took a bite, making a grunt of approval instantly, “you can come visit anytime you want,” he said, taking another mouthful of his breakfast.

Cas poured some syrup over his stack before taking a bite. He closed his eyes savoring the chocolatey sweetness as memories of past Christmases came flooding back. Every memory he had that involved these pancakes was happy, including this one, “I forgot how much I loved these,” he mused, licking a spot of syrup off of his fork, “thank you, Anna.”

“It’s Christmas Eve. Did you really think I wouldn’t make them?” Anna laughed, piling some more whipped cream onto her pancakes, “It’s Novak tradition and Dean’s basically one of us now, so we should show him the ways of the Novak Christmas.”

“Should I be afraid?” Dean joked, his mouth full. 

Cas knew exactly which traditions Anna was talking about, “baking in pajamas, Christmas specials and Chinese food,” he said, beaming. This Christmas was going to be better than the previous one. The only thing that could make it better would be if everyone they loved were there. But, Cas wasn’t complaining by any means. This Christmas was good, even though it was early and not technically Christmas.

“Nothing says Christmas like a take-out box of chow mein and Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer,” Dean helped himself to more pancakes, “I like it.”

“We have to bake the cookies before we get Chinese,” Anna said, neatly cutting up a second pancake, “I hope you’re good with icing, Winchester.” 

“Are we really baking cookies for Santa?” Dean raised an eyebrow, giving Cas a quizzical look, “We’re a little old for that…”

“Did you and Sam ever leave cookies for Santa?” Cas frowned, afraid of the answer, “I mean, before your mom…” he trailed off, not wanting to dig himself any deeper in this hole. 

“We aren’t kids anymore,” Dean finished his second helping and pushed his plate away, “but, if it’s Novak tradition, I can roll with it,” he added, smiling. 

“Good. You can start by going to grab my purse,” Anna chimed in, “Mom’s sugar cookie recipe is in it.”

“You still have it?” Cas could almost taste the cookies.

“Of course I do,” Anna stacked the dishes from the table and brought them over to the sink, “her cookies were perfect,” she smiled sadly, “my cookies don’t even come close.”

Cas hadn’t thought about his mother in a long time. Sure, he had fleeting moments talking about her in conversations, but recalling memories was entirely different. Cas remembered his mother’s cookies in vivid detail and he suddenly felt sad, “I’m sure she’d be proud of your baking,” he looked at his plate, “I wish she was here.”

Anna touched Cas’ shoulder, “me too.”

Dean cleared his throat, “my mom used to tell me that our family and friends who aren’t here anymore look over us...like angels or something,” he shrugged, half-smiled, “I think your mom must keep an eye on you guys...I mean, you have Gabe-”

Dean was interrupted by the phone ringing. Since Cas was closest, he picked up the receiver, “Lafitte, Winchester and Novak residence,” he answered.

“Cassy!” a familiar, over-excited voice said, “How the hell are you, bro?”

“Hello Gabe,” Cas couldn’t help smiling. He hadn’t spoken to Gabe in weeks and though he hated to admit it, he missed his old brother, “I’m a lot better than I was the last time we saw each other,” Cas waved at Anna and Dean as they excused themselves. Anna whispered something about needing baking stuff and they would be back shortly. 

“Glad to hear you’re getting back to normal, because I actually called to ask you something,” Gabe sounded uncharacteristically serious.

“Is everything okay, Gabe? Anna just stepped out, I can go-”

Gabe laughed, cutting Cas off, “bro, I just called to ask if you’d be my best man.”

“Wait,” Cas paused for a moment, “does that mean…” he trailed off, collecting his thoughts, “oh my god...Gabe! You and Meg?” Cas stood up, “You’re getting married?”

“Yup,” Gabe said proudly, “I popped the question on her birthday and she thought I was just being an asshole. At least until she saw the ring.”

Cas couldn’t believe it. Finally some fantastic news. He was so happy, “of course I’ll be your best man,” he said, feeling tears welling up in his eyes. He’d never been to a wedding, but he’d seen enough movie wedding and was brimming with excitement, “when is it?”

“April first,” Gabe chuckled, “it was Meg’s idea. She said people might think it’s a joke and not show up, so we could get the whole cake and reception hall to ourselves.”

“I’m sure Dean won’t leave you with an entire cake,” Cas was grinning, already picturing all kinds of weddings in his head, “he’ll take a full wedding cake as a personal challenge.”

“How is he?” Gabe asked conversationally, “I feel like I haven’t heard from you lovebirds in ages. Not cool, man.”

“Dean’s good...actually, everything is,” Cas sighed happily, “things really are improving out here. I’m happy for the first time in a long time.”

“Damn glad to hear that,” Gabe said, his tone genuine, “I knew you’d get your shit together,” a door slammed on Gabe’s end and Cas heard Meg’s voice, “anywho, I just wanted to call and, you know, give you a heads up about me getting hitched. My woman just got home, so I gotta go.”

“I’m happy for you two,” Cas said, still beaming from the news, “oh, and Merry Christmas, to both of you.”

“You guys have a nice Christmas. Anna has my gifts to you and Dean-o. I wrapped them myself,” Gabe laughed, “you’re gonna love them.”

“I’m not sure I like that laugh, Gabe…”

“Gotta go, bro!”

Before Cas could enquire about the gift, Gabe hung up. Chuckling, he hung up the phone. Gabe and Meg were getting married and Cas hadn’t felt so happy in God knows how long. This Christmas was really shaping up to be pretty damn good. Sure, it was early, but he couldn’t think of anything that could possibly go wrong. It’s not like they had plans to leave the apartment. 

It was going to be a nice, quiet Christmas at home, and Cas didn’t want it any other way. 

***  
[Dean]  
After hours of baking cookies that the three of them would never be able to finish, Dean was ready to relax. He’d decorated no fewer than fifty Christmasy-shaped cookies, and he was done listening to Christmas music. The atmosphere was so cheerful and festive, but he was needed to eat something that wasn’t made entirely of sugar. 

Once the last cookie was decorated, Anna announced that it was time to get some take-out and watch a few Christmas specials. She called a local Chinese place and ordered a random assortment of greasy goodness, and once it arrived, they all had a seat in the parlor. Anna curled up on the armchair, cradling a carton of veggie lo-mein, while Cas and Dean snuggled up on the loveseat, sharing a carton of crab rangoons. 

The Peanuts Christmas special was on TV, but the three of them were too absorbed in their food. Once the food was gone, The Year Without A Santa Claus was starting. The empty cartons littered the coffee table as they all got comfortable. It didn’t take Anna long to doze off, in what looked like an extremely uncomfortable position. But, judging by her snoring, she must have been comfy enough. 

“Should we wake her up and let her have the couch?” Dean asked quietly, nodding to Anna.

“Surprisingly enough, that’s not the strangest position I’ve seen her sleep in,” Cas chuckled softly, resting his head on Dean’s shoulder, “she always passes out after Chinese. It’s tradition.”

“We should go for a walk and let her sleep,” Dean suggested, nudging Cas, “we can check out all the Christmas decorations. It’ll be great.” 

“I’ll grab my sweater,” Cas pressed a kiss to Dean before disappearing down the hall.

Dean got up and stepped into his boots, just as Cas tip-toed back into the room, wearing the most ridiculous Christmas sweater Dean had ever seen. He had to cover his mouth so he wouldn’t laugh, “that’s quite a sweater, Cas,” Dean touched one of the pompoms adorning the large tree on the front of the sweater, “only you could get away with wearing something like this.”

“Don’t act like you’re not jealous,” Cas smirked at Dean and grabbed his hand, “shall we?”

It was mild for December, so there were quite a few people out and about. Countless Christmas decorations adorned just about every building on the block. They walked, side by side, up the street, stopping to admire all of the Christmas lights. Cas hummed to himself as they came to the park; Dean couldn’t stop smiling. It was a perfect evening. 

“So, Gabe and Meg, huh?” Dean asked, as they crossed into the park. The engagement had been on his mind since Anna mentioned it the previous day. He couldn’t stop thinking about weddings. It was almost obsessive at this point.

Cas smiled at Dean, “I’m so happy for the two of them. It’s nice to finally have things looking up.” 

Dean nodded in agreement, “that’s going to be one ridiculous wedding.”

“We certainly won’t be bored,” Cas laughed, pulling Dean over to a bench that had a perfect view of some Christmas lights, and they sat down, “only they would want their wedding on April Fools Day.” 

Dean put his arm around Cas, “I’m not surprised,” he chuckled softly, “they really are perfect for one another,” he watched a couple walk past them, with their arms linked, “but, then again, I think we’re perfect for one another too.”

Cas glanced at Dean, “I think so too,” he said, sighing happily, “it’s too bad we won’t ever be able to get married,” he added, his smile fading a little.

Dean frowned to himself, “you’re such a buzz kill sometimes,” he nudged Cas, his smile returning, “laws are dumb. They can’t stop us from planning a dream wedding.”

Cas gave Dean a quizzical look, “you say that like you’ve spent a lot of time planning it,” he raised an eyebrow. 

“Maybe,” Dean said cryptically, nipping at Cas’ ear, “sometimes it’s good to dream.”

“I never took you as a dreamer,” Cas leaned into Dean, resting his head on Dean’s shoulder, “you’ve always been more of a doer.” 

“Well then, I guess I’ll have to find a way to marry you then,” Dean felt his cheeks burning at his own boldness. The thought of marrying Cas was appealing, even if it was impossible. 

“Marriage complicates things,” Cas played with a loose string on his sweater, “I would be perfectly happy with a party and a promise of commitment.” 

“I know, but, humor me,” Dean grabbed Cas’ hand, lacing their fingers together, “what would your dream wedding be like?” 

Cas looked thoughtful for a moment before he answered, “I want my wedding to be at Disney World.” 

“Disney World?” Dean was a little surprised at Cas’ answer, “Really?” 

Cas nodded, “really.”

“Why?” Dean asked, curious.

“Because Disney always has happy endings,” Cas grinned at Dean, “if you get married at Disney, a happy ending has to happen, and I think we deserve a happy ending...after all we’ve been through...karma could at least give us that.” 

Dean leaned in and kissed Cas, “I love you,” he murmured, pressing their lips together again. Cas never ceased to amaze him. He half expected Cas to come up with a long list of everything he’d want at the wedding, down to the flavor of the cake. But, at the same time, he knew that the one thing both of them wanted was a happy ending. That’s all Dean ever wished for. 

Cas smiled against Dean’s lips, “I love you too,” he whispered, touching Dean’s cheek, “so, are you going to tell me yours?”

“My what?” Dean got up, offering his hand to Cas.

“Don’t play dumb,” Cas took Dean’s hand, “your dream wedding. I told you mine, now tell me yours.” 

Dean felt his cheeks ignite. He hadn’t really thought about what kind of wedding he’d want personally, “well,” he was thoughtful for a moment, “I don’t think the details are all that important…”

“What do you mean?” Cas stopped, looking hurt. 

Dean squeezed Cas’ hand, “don’t give me that look,” he pulled Cas back toward the direction of the apartment, “what I meant, was, the only thing I care about would be saying I do. Everything else I could take or leave. As long as I got to say I do, to you, I’d be the happiest man on earth.” 

Cas opened his mouth to speak, but, instead, linked his arm his Dean’s. They fell into a comfortable silence as they walked back to the apartment. Dean didn’t care if they got looks from people because he was on cloud nine, walking around with the one person that meant everything to him. He loved Cas, and nothing could change that. Not even the ugly sweater Cas was so fond of. 

“Did you mean all that?” Cas asked, as they walked upstairs to the apartment, “About marrying me?”

Dean pulled his key out of his back pocket, “of course I meant it,” he unlocked the door, slowly opening it so it didn’t creak and wake up Anna, “why would I lie about that?” he asked, lowering his voice to a whisper as they walked inside.

“I guess I’m just shocked you’re still here, after everything,” Cas said sheepishly, pulling a blanket off the couch and draping it over Anna, who was still sound asleep.

“I can’t see myself anywhere you aren’t,” Dean leaned against the arm of the couch and pulled his boots off, “it sounds stupid, but, when I’m not with you, I always feel like something is missing.”

Cas rolled his eyes, smiling, “that’s because you have a bad habit of forgetting to wear underwear.”

“Not like that,” Dean snorted, freezing when Anna stirred, “you know what I mean,” he added in a whisper, nodding toward the bedroom. 

“I’m just kidding,” Cas said sweetly, following Dean into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him, “I’ll admit I feel a little lost when you’re at work. Maybe we spend too much time, connected at the hip. It’s not like either of us make an effort to go out and socialize. Not that I’m complaining. I’d much rather spend my free time with you.”

Dean hadn’t noticed how anti-social he’d been since moving to California. He had to be forced to go out for boys night, and the whole time he thought about Cas, “with our track record for terrible things happening, I guess we’re just paranoid we’ll lose each other,” he sat down on the bed and pulled his shirt off, “it makes sense if you think about it.”

“I guess you’re right,” Cas changed into his pajamas and joined Dean on the bed, “hey, you should call the Heaven Hills gang and invite them out here at some point. I miss Jo and Sam.” 

Memories of senior year hit Dean like a brick wall. He hadn’t really thought about anyone back in Heaven Hills, not in a while. This was mostly because every time he thought about home, the flashbacks of his father seemed to creep in and ruin everything. Now he was thinking about his dad, and his good mood was disappearing quickly, “I’ll think about it. I’m kind of tired now,” he mumbled, flopping down on his back.

Cas curled up next to him, “I’m sorry I brought up Heaven Hills,” he said quietly, resting his hand on Dean’s chest, “I wasn’t thinking…”

“No, it’s fine,” Dean said quickly, “it’s just...I can’t think about Heaven Hills without thinking about my dad,” he sighed, “I haven’t thought about that asshole in months.” 

“Well then, let’s change the subject,” Cas pressed a kiss to Dean’s jaw before yawning, nuzzling his face into Dean’s neck, “tell me about cars or something,” he mumbled, clearly starting to doze off. 

“Cars?” Dean chuckled, carding his fingers through Cas’ hair, “Since when do you like cars?” Cas murmured something unintelligible, and hugged Dean closer, “I don’t think I’m the only one who’s tired,” he lazily stroked Cas’ hair, “go to sleep.”

“I’m not tired,” Cas said softly, his voice barely audible.

Dean smiled to himself as Cas started to snore peacefully, “hey, Cas?” he asked, reaching over to flip the light off.

“Hm?” Cas was barely conscious.

“Would you really marry a guy like me?” Dean pulled the blanket over them and kissed the top of Cas’ head. He knew Cas was more asleep than awake at this point, but he had to know.

Cas nodded in his near-comatose state, “mhm,” was all he mumbled, but it was all Dean needed to hear. Soon after, Dean slipped into a pleasant slumber, dreams of marrying Cas taking over.

***  
Christmas  
[Dean]  
On Christmas morning, to Dean’s surprise, it wasn’t Cas who woke him up. The knock on their bedroom door scared both of them, until it opened and Anna stood, smiling in the doorway, “sorry to wake you two up so early, but Sam’s on the phone,” she said, flipping the light on, “judging by how early he called on his end, I’d say it was important, Dean.”

Dean snapped awake when Anna mentioned Sammy, “what did he say?” he asked, climbing over Cas to get out of bed. He grabbed the shirt he’d discarded on the floor the previous night and pulled it on.

“He just asked if he could talk to you,” Anna shrugged, looking tired, “I left the phone on the counter.”

Dean brushed past Anna and went into the kitchen, grabbing the phone, “Sam?” he asked gruffly.

“Yeah, hey, Dean,” Sam said in a hushed voice, barely even whispering Dean’s name. He must have been at home with John, who must have been asleep, “dad’s asleep,” he added.

“I figured,” Dean frowned to himself, gripping the receiver, “what’s up?”

“Dad asked about you last night,” Sam sounded nervous, “I told him I hadn’t heard from you since you took off.” 

“What did dad say?” Dean asked, feeling his pulse quicken. He knew this wasn’t going to be a pleasant phone call. Was it too much to ask for a simple ‘Merry Christmas!’ just once in his fucking life?

“That he hoped your, um, lifestyle,” Sam cleared his throat, stammering over his words, “finally killed you. That’s the censored version, anyway,” he said grimly, sighing.

“He still has no idea where I am, right?” Dean demanded, starting to get an adrenaline rush. 

“As far as he knows, you’re still M.I.A.,” Sam said, still sounding worried, “but, just be careful. I won’t say anything, but that doesn’t mean he won’t try finding you and Cas.”

“Well, you’ll have to be extra careful about mentioning me,” Dean wished Sam was here. He didn’t regret moving, but one person he consistently missed was Sam, “which will be hard because you must be a disaster without me to look after you,” he added smugly.

Sam laughed softly, “jerk.”

“Bitch,” Dean grinned to himself, “so, when are you going to come out here and see me?”

“Weird, that’s the other reason I called,” Sam sounded surprised, “I told dad that I was going to drive out to California to look at a couple of colleges with Jo and Adam.”

“Coy,” Dean chuckled, “when?”

“We’ll be there New Year’s Eve,” Sam said, with an upward inflection almost like he was asking if that was okay.

“You guys are really coming out?” Dean asked excitedly, “New Year’s Eve, that’s perfect. Cas and I don’t have plans yet. We can all bring in 1977 together, it’ll kick ass.” 

“Awesome, so, it’s going to be me, Jo, Adam and possibly Jess, if she can get out of her family’s annual New Year’s Eve gala,” Sam paused, “actually, scratch Jess. There’s no way her parents will let her come to California with me.”

“Dad’s not suspicious?” Dean asked, wondering how Sam planned to pull this off without getting John’s attention.

“I don’t think so,” Sam sounded unsure, “I’ll be careful. You be careful too, Dean.”

“Sure thing, Sammy,” Dean leaned against the counter, “keep me posted about anything that could put me or Cas in danger. But call me from a pay phone, and if dad asks about this phone number, tell him it was Stamford or something,” he might have been a little paranoid when it came to his father. He couldn’t help it, after everything that had happened between him and his father, he had to be cautious. Especially when it involved Cas. 

“Gotcha,” Sam inhaled sharply, “dad’s up. Chat soon. Merry Christmas,” he hung up quickly.

Dean clutched the receiver for a second, feeling Sam’s panic all too well. Sighing, he hung up the phone, “Merry Christmas, Sammy,” he said sadly, walking into the parlor, where Cas and Anna were seated on the sofa. Dean was still frowning, and Cas saw before he could force a smile.

“Dean?” Cas got up and walked over to Dean, “Is everything alright?” he asked quietly, touching Dean’s cheek.

“Yeah,” Dean lied, not wanting to ruin Cas’ Christmas. It was too early to deal with this bullshit, “Sam just wanted to wish us a Merry Christmas before he heads out to Jess’ house for the day.”

“Isn’t it like half past four back in Heaven Hills?” Anna asked, stealing the blanket that Cas was sitting on before he got up.

Dean shrugged, “Sam’s weird,” he forced himself to smile, “I promise everything is good.”

Cas raised an eyebrow and Dean knew Cas saw right through his lie, “I hope you told Sam that I wish him a Merry Christmas,” he said, backing down, to Dean’s surprise.

“Of course,” Dean kissed Cas’ forehead, “so, are we going to open presents, or what?” he asked, desperate to change the subject.

The smiled returned to Cas’ face at the mention of presents, “I’ll grab mine from the closet,” he said, squeezing Dean’s hand before disappearing down the hall. 

Dean sighed and flopped down on the loveseat, next to the pathetic tree Cas had insisted on getting. He put his gifts under the tree after Cas had fallen asleep the previous night. Anna watched Dean, frowning. 

“So, are you going to tell me what’s up?” Anna asked quietly, cradling a cup of coffee in her hands, “I heard Sam on the phone. He didn’t sound full of Christmas cheer.”

Dean glanced down the halls as Cas reappeared, holding a couple of neatly wrapped boxes, “me first!” he chimed, handing Dean a small, square parcel, “Merry Christmas, Dean,” he handed Anna the other box and sat down next to Dean, “Anna, that’s just part one.”

“Ooh,” Anna’s eyes lit up when she opened the gift, pulling out a brand new tie-dyed apron, for painting, “I needed a new one.” she said excitedly, hugging it, “thank you, Cas. This was really thoughtful.”

“It’s made by some lady with lots of tattoos at some marketplace, a few blocks from here,” Cas grinned at Anna, “I knew you’d appreciate the tie-dye,” he looked at Dean, who was examining his present, “open it!” he nudged Dean.

Dean slid his finger under the tape and unwrapped the present. A small index card fell onto his lap. He picked it up and read it out loud, “Dean, I’m sorry I couldn’t afford an Impala for Christmas, but I hope this is just as good. Love, Cas,” Dean glanced at Cas, before opening the box. There was a lot of tissue paper, and something heavy inside. Carefully, he pulled out the tissue paper and a large, black mug. He looked at the front of the mug, and his jaw dropped, “Cas…” there was a hand-painted Impala that looked just like the one he’d managed to crash last Christmas.

Cas touched Dean’s arm, “do you like it?” he asked, “Jodie’s friend is an artist and makes pottery for fun…”

Dean set the mug down on the coffee table and wrapped his arms around Cas, “thank you,” he whispered, suddenly feeling a lump in his throat, thankful that Cas hugged him back. No words could possibly describe how much he missed his Impala. He tried to put on his best game face about driving a van, but it just wasn’t the same as his first true love. 

After a somewhat long embrace, Anna reached into her duffel bag and pulled out several presen, “alright...so, these first two are from Gabe and Meg,” she handed two rectangular boxes over, “he wrapped them himself. Can you tell?” he added, laughing.

Dean looked at his present, which was an unwrapped gift box, with thick packing tape wrapped around it several times, “he has as much patience as I do with wrapping,” he mused, barely managing to tear open the box.

Cas opened his box at the same time, pulling out a large, blue, hand-knitted sweater with a white C on the front. Dean pulled out his own sweater, dark red with a white D on the front, and couldn’t help laughing. Cas automatically put his sweater on, “I forgot to mention that Gabe’s guilty pleasure is knitting.”

Dean followed Cas’ lead and put his sweater on, still chuckling, “I don’t know why this is so funny...I mean, nothing Gabe does surprises me,” he looked down at the sweater and started laughing again, “this is definitely not what I expected though.”

“You two look adorable. I’m going to need to take a picture for Gabe and Meg,” Anna said, examining another gift, “hm, this one says it’s from me...but I don’t remember wrapping it,” she handed it over to Dean. 

“I’m almost afraid to open it,” Dean looked at Cas, “you do the honors,” he handed the box to Cas.

Cas pulled off the wrapping paper and looking horrified, “oh god,” he quickly handed the book to Dean, his cheeks beet red, “this is from Gabe.”

Dean’s eyes went wide, “oh. Great. A sex book,” he chuckled uncomfortably.

Anna burst into a fit of giggles, “I knew that little shit snuck something into my bag,” she rolled her eyes, “here, these two are really from me,” she gave Dean two small boxes, “a friend of mine made them.”

Dean handed Cas his present and opened his own. Inside the box was a small, metal heart pendant on a leather cord. Cas got a similar heart necklace, “these are great,” Dean turned the heart around in his fingers, examining it, “thanks, Anna.”

Cas helped Dean tie his necklace on, “I love it, Anna,” he said, turning so Dean could tie his on, “your turn, Dean,” he was beaming, a huge smile across his face. 

“Alright,” Dean got up and pushed a big box over to Anna, “this is from me and Cas,” he said, taking the other gift, a large, flat square, giving it to Cas, “I think gifts made by friends was the theme this year,” he half-smiled, “you remember Chuck? He helped me out with this one.” 

Anna opened the box and made an excited squeaking noise, covering her mouth for a moment, “this is the best Christmas ever,” she pawed through the box, pulling out tubes of acrylic paint, some canvas, brushes and a big bottle of paint thinner, “I was just saying to Gabe how I needed to re-up my paint supply!” she almost tripped, lunging at Dean and Cas, enveloping them into a huge hug, “thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Dean and Cas hugged her back, “now let Cas open his,” Dean said, trying to wriggle out of Anna’s vice-grip.

“Oh, fine,” Anna let them go and sat back down, waiting excitedly for Cas to open his gift.

Cas delicately pulled off the paper, to reveal a blank, square envelope with a record inside, “oh, a 45,” he gently pulled out the record, “which song is it?” he asked, trying to find a label.

Dean felt himself blushed, “well, it’s mine,” he said sheepishly, “Chuck’s dad is in the record biz...and he managed to get me into a recording studio.”

Cas got up and went over to Benny’s record player, immediately flipping it on and placing the record on the turntable, “I can’t wait to hear it,” he said, clicking the switch for the needle, gingerly letting it touch the vinyl. 

The record started turning and Cas adjusted the volume so it filled the room with a very familiar song. Dean watched Cas freeze the moment the guitar came through the speakers, playing the chords that meant so much to the both of them. Slowly, Cas turned and stared at Dean, smiling, but also looking like he was about to cry, “it’s our song,” Dean said, getting up and joining Cas, “well, Your Song, but you get what I mean,” he laced his fingers with Cas’, “do you like it?” he almost forgot about Anna sitting on the couch, most likely staring at them.

“I love it,” Cas breathed, standing on his tip-toes to kiss Dean, “I love you.”

Dean smiled, pressing their lips together again, letting the kiss linger for a moment before remembering Anna was there, “how about I take a raincheck for later,” he whispered, winking at Cas, before pulling him back over to the couch as the record played. 

Cas curled up next to Dean, hugging him around the middle, “I think this was the best Christmas I’ve had in years,” he looked over at Anna, still not letting go of Dean, “I’m so happy you could come, Anna.”

Anna smiled fondly at Cas and Dean, “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world,” she put her empty mug on the table, as the record stopped, “now, I think it’s time for my favorite Novak tradition.”

“Which one?” Dean asked, draping his arm around Cas.

“The annual Christmas morning nap,” Anna stretched out on the couch, still snuggled in the blanket.

Cas finally let go of Dean and sat up, “and leftover Chinese for lunch,” he said, standing up.

“I like Novak Christmas,” Dean got up, yawning, realizing that it was still ridiculously early and he was exhausted. A nap sounded glorious, “Merry Christmas, Anna,” he said, as Cas tugged him back toward the bathroom, “I thought it was nap time,” he raised an eyebrow as Cas shut the bathroom door behind Dean.

Cas’ response caught Dean off guard, as he was pinned against the wall, “Dean,” Cas rolled his eyes, ghosting his lips along Dean’s jaw, “it’s Christmas,” his tone made Dean shiver.

Dean closed his eyes, wrapping his arms around Cas’ waist, pulling him closer, as Cas’ hands cupped his cheeks and pressed their lips together without fear of Anna watching. Cas seemed to lose all inhibitions, which was something Dean had never seen. Not since Cas started hanging out with Crowley. This was a nice change of events, Dean though, feeling his knees go weak as Cas rolled his hips into the surprise makeout session. 

“God damn,” Dean mumbled gruffly, breaking the kiss for a moment, “where the fuck did that come from?” he nipped at Cas’ lip, a slow grin spreading across his face.

Cas ran his thumbs over the stubble on Dean’s cheeks, their eyes meeting, “you’re the one,” he whispered, smiling, “I’m sorry it took me this long to fully realize it,” he chuckled airily, “I hope that’s okay.”

Dean pulled Cas into a hug, bumping a kiss onto the top of his head, “you’re such a dork,” he said affectionately, letting Cas go, so he could look at him, “I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he meant it. Even after all the bullshit and hell he went through, Cas was the one tiny ray of sunshine that gave him hope. Cas was the one. 

At that moment, Dean made the executive decision that he was going to marry Cas. He didn’t know how, but he was going to damn well do something. This was the happy ending. It had to be. Even if their wedding could never be official, Dean was going to propose. Soon. He was ready to prove to Cas that he truly couldn’t live without him.


	12. The Great Heaven Hills Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas was over, and the end of the year is rapidly approaching. Cas is enjoying spending some time with Dean, while Benny and Ruby were in Vegas, but what Cas doesn't know is that Dean had a surprise for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fluffy chapters are limited, my dears. This one, and one more before the plot, we'll say, thickens. 
> 
> Thanks again for reading!! I'll have some big news in coming chapters, so be sure to subscribe, leave kudos or say hello in the comments! I appreciate anyone who has come this far in my writing. :) 
> 
> -NN

Chapter 12  
[Cas]   
Cas wouldn’t have changed his Christmas holiday for anything. It was perfect in every sense of the word. There was no negativity whatsoever. Dean acted weird for a little while after Sam had called, but Cas just let it go. It wasn’t worth another fight on Christmas. He refused to relive the previous Christmas. 

Despite having an amazing Christmas with Anna and Dean, Cas wasn’t overly upset when Anna left the following morning. It’s not that he didn’t love and miss his sister, he just wanted some alone time with Dean. After the spontaneous makeout session in the bathroom, after opening presents, Cas was starting to realize how much he missed the physical side of a relationship. He’d been so distant since the whole situation with Crowley and the overdose, and he felt like he had to make up for lost time. Dean deserved it for putting up with him.

After what seemed like a million hugs and farewells, Dean and Cas helped Anna load up her car, which she’d bought just a month prior, since Gabe had been monopolizing the Chevette. Once the trunk was closed, Anna made her rounds one last time, wrapping Cas into a hug, “you behave,” she said, squeezing Cas, “I love you, Cas.”

“Drive safe, Anna,” Cas smiled at his sister, “tell Gabe and Meg we say hello.”

“Of course,” Anna turned to Dean and folded her arms, “you make sure Cas behaves,” she looked to only be half-joking, “if you two need anything, don’t hesitate to call me. Let’s not go months without chatting again, okay?” she looked from Cas to Dean, sternly for a moment, before grinning, “I’ll miss you both,” she hugged Dean and Cas one more time before getting into her car, waving out the window as she drove off.

Cas nudged Dean when Anna was out of sight, “we have the apartment to ourselves until Benny and Ruby get back from Vegas,” he murmured suggestively, half-smirking.

Dean’s eyebrows shot up, “is this going where I think it’s going?” he asked, lacing his fingers with Cas’. 

“Maybe we should head home and find out,” Cas suggested nonchalantly, a smile still playing his lips, “I gave you a cup for Christmas. Surely you didn’t think that was all you were getting,” he almost shuddered at his boldness. This wasn’t like him to be so blunt, but now that things were finally improving, he wanted to show Dean that everything was going to be okay. Their bond could only grow stronger at this point. When he said that Dean was the one, he meant it. 

Dean practically dragged Cas back to the apartment. They only stopped to say hello to Jodie in the cafe, on their way through. At the top of the stairs, Dean pulled Cas close, a glint of mischievousness in his eyes, as he brushed their lips, “I’m glad you’re you again,” he said quietly, kissing Cas again, “I missed you.”

Cas rolled his eyes, “being charming doesn’t mean we’re messing around in the hallway,” he said wriggling out of Dean’s arm, to open the door.

Dean laughed, following Cas into the apartment, shutting the door with his foot, “I mean that, you know,” he said, kicking his boots off, “I was scared for a while that I’d lost you.”

“Why are we talking about this right now? Things are fine now,” Cas didn’t want to talk about this. He was done dwelling on the past, “and are going to get better if we can just not talk about that right now.”

Dean smirked at Cas, “well then why don’t you make me shut up?” 

Cas curled his index fingers through the belt loops on Dean’s pants, tugging him closer, “you really need to come up with a better pick-up line,” he chuckled, pressing a few kisses to Dean’s jaw, “one day it’s not going to work,” he let go of Dean, in favor of heading to the bedroom, knowing that Dean would follow him. 

“I take it today isn’t that day,” Dean said smugly, walking into the bedroom with Cas. He flopped down on the bed, laying on his side, patting the mattress with his hand. 

Cas rolled his eyes, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. Dean automatically reached around Cas’ waist, pulling him closer so they could spoon. Cas got comfortable, relaxing a little, feeling safe with Dean holding him.

After a few minutes, Cas felt Dean’s lips tickle the side of his neck. He shivered at the contact and turned to face Dean, gently touching his cheek before finally kissing him. The fireworks were there, suddenly. It had been so long since Cas felt this kind of explosive connection with Dean, and it caught him off guard. He broke the kiss, so he could look at Dean.

“You okay, Cas?” Dean asked, running his fingers lazily up and down Cas’ back.

“The fireworks,” Cas said sheepishly, feeling a little guilty about ruining the makeout session he’d initiated, “they’re back.”

Dean kissed Cas’ forehead. Cas could feel Dean smile, “they never left. You just couldn’t see them because it was raining up in that head of yours, and you know fireworks can’t happen if it’s raining.”

Cas hugged Dean, clutching to him, just needing to be close to him. Sometimes Dean said stupid things, but, other times, he would come out with something so profound that it would render Cas speechless. It was a little cheesy to compare their relationship problems to rain, but it was the nicest possible way Dean could have mentioned their previous issues and Cas appreciated it. 

When Cas finally let go of Dean, he noticed Dean had fallen asleep. He looked so peaceful, a slight smile on his lips. Not wanting to wake him, Cas carefully shifted into a comfortable position, curled up with his back against Dean’s chest. He could get used to this. 

He could definitely get used to this.

***

The next few days were spent lounging around the apartment. Since Benny and Ruby still hadn’t gotten back, Dean didn’t have to work and Jodie had given Cas the week off since he promised to stay until closing at the cafe on New Year’s Eve. Cas didn’t mind. As of now, he didn’t have any plans but to stay in and watch the ball drop with Dean. That’s how he wanted to bring in 1977. 

One night, Chuck, Ash and Lisa came over for some beers. Cas enjoyed seeing everyone and even had a couple of drinks himself. He wasn’t worried about spiraling downward again; he knew now that it was all about self control, which he now possessed. As long as he didn’t go overboard with drinking and partying, he would be fine. For the first time since everything happened, he felt confidence in himself. 

The day before New Years Eve was rainy and dismal outside. Cas and Dean had plans to go to the local farmer’s market, but after seeing the weather, they both decided that pajamas and some leftover pizza was the way to go. Cas was disappointed about not being able to get some apples, but he didn’t mind spending the day watching a marathon of The Twilight Zone. 

Several hours into the marathon, the phone rang. Dean answered it and was only away for a few minutes, but, when he got back, Cas noticed that Dean’s mood had changed. He was stone-faced, but Cas saw something not-quite-right in his eyes, “who was that?” Cas asked conversationally.

“Benny,” Dean said, staring at the TV.

“I don’t believe you,” Cas said, turning Dean’s face toward him, “what’s wrong?” he asked, starting to feel a little worried.

Dean sighed, “it was Sam.” 

The first thing that came to mind was Dean’s father, John. Cas inhaled slowly, afraid to ask, “are we safe?” his voice was barely a whisper.

Dean put his arm around Cas, “we’re safe. Don’t worry,” he sounded fairly sure, which made Cas feel a little better, “my dad just asked Sam about me on Christmas, so he’s been keeping me posted about stuff. He’ll let us know when we have to worry, okay?” he kissed the top of Cas’ head.

Cas nodded, still feeling a little anxious, “are you sure we shouldn’t move?”

“Stop worrying. Sam won’t say anything and my dad sure as hell doesn’t know where we are,” Dean finally smiled, “I think we have a bigger problem.”

The smile was unnerving to Cas, “problem?” 

“Our first New Year’s Eve was spent with me unconscious in a hospital,” Dean raised an eyebrow, “and this year I’m not sitting at home on my ass.”

“What are you suggesting?” Cas cocked his head to the side, “I would feel better if we stayed here-”

“Not happening,” Dean interrupted, “this year we’re going out and fucking enjoying ourselves. I have it all planned, so you can’t say no.” 

Cas sighed, defeated. He didn’t know what Dean had planned, but he hoped it wasn’t anything too extreme. Then again, Dean always knew how to plan a romantic evening, even if it was silly. In a way Cas was kind of excited, “so, I can’t get out of this?”

“Nope,” Dean was grinning, “all you have to do is wear something nice. With a tie.” 

A tie? Where was Dean taking him? Cas gave him a quizzical look, “not only are you making me go out, you’re making me dress up too?” Cas asked, rolling his eyes, “This had better be good,” he was only joking around, but laughed just to make sure Dean knew he was only half-complaining. 

“So...is that a yes?” Dean nipped at Cas’ ear.

“Fine, I’ll go,” Cas squirmed when Dean’s stubble brushed against his neck, “if you shave.”

“Fair enough,” Dean pressed a kiss to Cas’ neck, “but I’m not telling you where we’re going until tomorrow.”

“Deal,” Cas playfully swatted at Dean, who was purposely nuzzling his neck because he knew Cas was ticklish. 

Dean took the play-hit as encouragement and kissed along Cas’ jaw, lingering when their lips finally met. Cas practically melted in Dean’s arms, closing his eyes and smiling, enjoying where this was headed. Cas shifted so he was laying on his back, pulling Dean down with him, their lips never losing contact. 

Cas was lost in the moment, letting Dean kiss him, grasping desperately, trying to get closer. Lately it seemed like everything ended with an impromptu make out session, not that Cas was opposed to it. 

They hadn’t been like this in so long and it was a nice change of pace. Life was short, and Cas had to move faster to catch up with it before it passed him by. 

***

[Dean]  
“Hey, Dean,” Cas shook Dean’s shoulder gently, “you told me to wake you up before I went downstairs to work.” 

Dean opened his eyes, blinking a few times to adjust to the morning sun. Cas was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling on his sneakers. Sitting up, Dean yawned, “is it already six?” he asked, rubbing his eyes. It was too early. Especially since Cas kept him up all night making out. His lips were literally chapped. Not that that was a bad thing. Dean couldn’t remember the last time he had a marathon of macking face. 

“What are you going to do while I’m at work?” Cas asked, standing up to glance in the mirror. 

“I need to pick up my outfit for tonight,” Dean cracked his neck, still not ready to get out of bed, “then I’m going to take a nap. Nothing too exciting,” he lied, eager for Cas to leave so he could put everything together for tonight. Sam, Jo and Adam would be arriving in the next couple of hours, and Dean needed to have everything done before they got there. Cas still had no idea that Sam and the gang were coming. He couldn’t wait to see Cas’ face. 

“I’ll bring up a latte after work,” Cas tried to fix his hair before walking back over to the bed, “I shouldn’t be too late,” he leaned over and kissed Dean, “I love you,” he added, smiling, before leaving the room.

Dean watched Cas leave, waiting until he heard the front door open and close before getting up. After a quick shower, Dean put on some jeans and a t-shirt, not bothering to do his hair or anything, since he was going to have to fix up later on. Grabbing a coffee from the cafe downstairs, to go, Dean headed outside into the brisk morning. 

It was sunny and chilly, but bearable. Dean smiled to himself as he headed toward the suit rental shop. He’d talked to the owner on the phone, and there was a three-piece suit, in his size, that was allegedly pinstriped. Dean had to have it. He would look like a mob boss, and that was freaking awesome, in his opinion. 

Sure enough, the suit was all Dean had imagined, and more. It fit him to a tee- he never wore a grey pinstriped suit before, but he was digging it, and the bowtie made him feel like a million bucks. He couldn’t wait to show Cas. 

After getting the suit, the plan was to meet Sam, Jo and Adam at their hotel around lunch time. Cas was getting off work around four, since the cafe was closing early for the holiday. Dean had plenty of time to kill, so he dropped the suit off at the apartment, before walking to the hotel. He was a little early, so he took the scenic route, enjoying the cool winter air. 

By the time he reached the hotel, it was just about eleven, so he walked inside and went to the front desk. A bored-looking man, looked up, “hey, I was wondering if you could possibly call my brother’s room to let him know I’m here? Sam Winchester is the name the room is under.” 

“No problem, sir. If you want to have a seat in the lobby, I’ll relay that message,” he picked up the phone, as Dean walked over to a small couch, near a painting of some lady. 

While waiting for everyone to come downstairs, Dean realized he hadn’t seen any of these people in almost seven months, and had only talked to them a handful of times- hell, he hadn’t even spoken to Adam since he left Heaven Hills. He was getting excited to see them. 

“Dean?” Sam’s voice surprised Dean. 

Dean jumped up and turned around, grinning, “Sammy!” he damn-near ran over to his brother, tackling him with a bearhug, “Holy shit, it’s good to see you,” he said, squeezing Sam as tight as he could. 

“Hey,” Sam laughed, trying to wiggle out of Dean’s grip, “I think you missed me more than I missed you,” he joked, as Jo pushed him out of the way to jump into Dean’s arms.

“Jo!” Dean wrapped his arms around her and spun around, “How are you?”

Jo giggled as Dean set her down, “I’m great, but you’d know that if you picked up a phone,” she gave him a mock-angry look before smiling, “well, Adam, are you just going to hide behind Sam or are you going to come say hi to Dean?” she waved Adam over.

Adam punched Dean in the arm, “hey, man. Good to see you,” he looked uncomfortable as Jo grabbed his hand. 

Dean noticed Jo holding Adam’s hand immediately, “I see you upgraded, Jo,” he elbowed Adam amicably, “nice choice.” 

“Oh, don’t be jealous because Adam’s a better kisser,” Jo smirked at Dean, giving Adam a peck on the cheek.

Dean was genuinely surprised that Adam and Jo got together. He didn’t expect it, but he was happy for them. Adam was the best, and Jo deserved the best, “well, I’m happy for you guys,” he looked at Sam, “so, how’s Jess?” 

“Really bummed she couldn’t come out. Her parents flat out said no,” Sam shrugged, “I didn’t expect her to be able to come, so I guess I’m not as disappointed as I could be.”

“That sucks,” Dean frowned, “dateless on New Year’s Eve. Shit, that’s just lame.”

“Thanks for rubbing it in, jerk,” Sam chuckled.

“My pleasure, bitch,” Dean clapped Sam on the shoulder, glad his brother was here. Hell, he was stoked to see everyone doing so well. This was a good idea, getting the gang back together. It was a little weird being with everyone though...it made Dean feel nostalgic.

“I don’t know about you guys, but I’m starving,” Jo said impatiently, “you promised food, Winchester.” 

“There’s a diner up a few blocks that has some killer burgers,” Dean held the front door to the hotel open for everyone, before taking the lead outside, walking toward the diner, "so, how was the drive out here?" Dean asked, strolling alongside Sam.

Sam shrugged, "pretty uneventful, actually," he looked around as he spoke, "and, if you mean, is dad still suspicious, then, uh, yeah," he glanced at Dean, "we took Adam's car because dad doesn't know the license plate. Can't be too careful, you know?"

"He didn't follow you, did he?" Dean asked, feeling uneasy. His father may have been a worthless drunk, but the man was the farthest thing from stupid. He refused to underestimate him. Not when it involved his and Cas' safety. He knew John was capable of being physically abusive.

"Not that I know of," Sam sounded sure of himself, and it made Dean relax a little, "it's not like that truck of his is discreet. If he was following us, we would have seen it."

"I kept watch the whole drive. No signs of John, so stop worrying, Dean," Jo chimed in, smiling, "now, are you going to tell us how Cas is doing or is it going to be a mystery until tonight?"

Dean chuckled, "Cas is good," he smiled to himself, "he's doing a lot better than he was."

"Thank god for that," Jo sounded relieved, "we were all worried, weren't we, Adam?"

"Jo almost drove to California after you called," Adam put his arm around Jo's shoulders, "it wasn't easy to convince her to give you guys some space."

"He went to my mother, and she was the one who had to convince me to stay," Jo rolled her eyes, "she told me I couldn't just skip classes to run off to California. The perks of being a teacher's kid, y'know?"

"It worked, didn't it?" Adam laughed, kissing her cheek.

Dean stopped in front of the diner, holding the door for everyone, following them to a booth inside, "It would have been nice to see you, but, honestly, I'm kind of glad you didn't see Cas at rock bottom," he slid into the booth next to Sam, "it wasn't pretty. I thought I'd lost him to himself."

"We all know you'd refuse to let that happen," Jo smirked at Dean, "you're the most stubborn person I've ever met."

Dean felt himself blushing, "I just didn't let him go through all that shit alone. He was there for me after that whole fiasco last Christmas. I was just doing what was right," he picked up a menu and skimmed through it, his eyes catching a double bacon cheeseburger with onion rings on it.

"I'm sure Cas was grateful you were there," Sam smiled, pouring himself a cup of coffee from the kettle that the waitress put down.

The group ordered some lunch and when the food arrived, they ate, chatting about what they'd been up to. Dean told everyone about his job at Benny's auto shop and he found out that Jo and Adam were attending a university out in Michigan; Jo was studying to be a doctor and Adam had plans to major in business. Sam, on the other hand, was still working on finishing his junior year of high school and was currently top of his class, with a 3.98 GPA. Dean was proud of his brother and friends.

After everyone was finished eating, they decided to have some more coffee and hang out for a while. It was barely one, and Cas wouldn't be leaving work for another few hours. Dean stirred some sugar into his coffee and listened to Jo and Adam bicker about a smudge of mustard on Adam's shirt.

"I can't take you anywhere," Jo dabbed at the mustard stain with a napkin, "if we get married, you're not coming anywhere near my white dress," she added, giggling.

"Are we already talking about marriage?" Adam was wide-eyed.

The topic of marriage always seemed to come up. Dean started talking before he could stop himself, "I'm gonna propose to Cas," he blurted out, causing everyone at the table to stop talking and stare at him with various expressions of excitement.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Jo stood up, gaping at Dean, a smile taking over her face, "what?"

"Uh," Dean's cheeks were burning. He was caught up in the moment, "I know we can't get married...but, I thought I'd propose to Cas anyway."

Jo clapped her hands over her mouth to prevent herself from screaming,, before launching at Dean, wrapping her arms around him, "oh my god, no way!" she squealed, kissing Dean's cheek, "when are you going to do it?"

Dean's heart was racing. He almost regretted bringing it up before the gang caught up with Cas, "well," he inhaled slowly, "I was thinking about proposing tonight."

Sam clapped Dean on the shoulder, "that's awesome, Dean," he said excitedly, "congrats, man!"

Adam looked to be at a loss for words, clearly uncomfortable about any kind of marriage conversation, "does Cas know yet?" he asked, smiling awkwardly.

"It's going to be a surprise. He has no idea," Dean took a sip of his coffee, the plan for tonight on his mind. Finally he grinned, "he doesn't even know you guys are here."

Jo laughed, "Cas is going to have one hell of a night then," she mused, sitting back down next to Adam, "I'm so happy I'm here for this," she held out her hand to Dean, "let's see the ring then."

The ring. Son of a bitch. Of all things to completely forget. Dean cursed under his breath, "I...don't have one," he said sheepishly, looking down into his mug.

"Well then, we have some shopping to do," Jo got up again, "you boys coming?"

"I think I'm going to head back to the hotel and grab a shower," Sam finished his cup of coffee and pushed the mug away, "or maybe nap."

"That sounds great. I think I'll head back with you, man," Adam slid out of the booth, dropping a few dollars on the table for his and Jo's meal.

Jo folded her arms, "lame."

"I don't think we need four people to find a ring," Dean got up, letting Sam out.

"And we don't have to fight over the shower," Sam added, grinning.

"Oh, fine," Jo gave Adam a goodbye kiss before they went their separate ways, "so, where to, Dean?" she asked, walking in the opposite direction of the hotel, with Dean.

Dean shrugged, "I was thinking about stopping at this artist marketplace near my apartment. Sometimes they have cool shit there," he was livid at himself for forgetting the ring. How could he forget that proposing involved a ring? He felt like an idiot and hoped this screw-up wasn't foreshadowing anything awful happening. Honestly, who the hell forgets a ring? Fuck, fuck, fuck.

"We'll find the perfect ring," Jo linked arms with Dean, looking at every storefront they passed, until a bohemian-looking display window caught her eye. She looked inside, "hey, look at this," she pointed to a case of rings.

Dean let Jo drag him inside. She made a beeline for the rings, tugging Dean along. There were a lot of rings to choose from. Some rings were feminine and over-the-top, whereas others were more neutral and simple. All the different sizes and styles were daunting. He picked up a few rings, inspecting them, "it would help if I knew Cas' ring size."

"Try the rings on. His hands are smaller than yours, right? Just get a size smaller than what fits you," Jo suggested.

None of the rings were really standing out to Dean. Nothing screamed Cas, and he felt a little discouraged. Jo had wandered off to the other counter, while Dean tried on a few rings, figuring out about what size Cas was.

As Dean put a ring that fit his finger back in the case,, one ring caught his eye. It was a brushed silver band with a small infinity symbol etched onto the front. He didn't know why, but he was drawn to it, "hey, Jo," he waved her over, "what about this one?"

Jo strolled back over, "let me see," she took the ring and turned it in her fingers, looking up at Dean, "I think this suits your relationship. Infinite," she grinned, "I think Cas would love it," she handed it back to him.

"Me too," Dean said softly, looking at the ring in his hand, feeling butterflies in his stomach. This was really happening. He was really doing this. The only worry on his mind was the possibility that Cas would say no, but, at the same time, things were going well with Cas. Dean knew this was the right path to take.

***

[Cas]  
"You're still here?" Jodie popped her head out of the kitchen, "I said once you put up the closed sign, you could leave, Cas," she walked over and took the rag that Cas was cleaning the counter with, "you have plans tonight. Go get ready, kiddo."

"Are you sure you don't want any help cleaning up?" Cas asked, hoping Jodie would turn down his help. In all honesty, he really wanted a quick nap before Dean got home. He'd been in the habit of going to bed before eleven, most nights, and staying up until the wee hours of the morning would be a stretch. Sleeping was one of his favorite hobbies, after all.

"Go," Jodie ushered him toward the stairs, "you've been talking about your romantic night out with Dean all day, now, go get ready."

Cas smiled at Jodie, thanking her before heading upstairs to the apartment. It was empty, which didn't surprise Cas, since he hadn't seen Dean since this morning, and usually Dean would stop to say hello on his way through the cafe. Leaving his sneakers by the door, Cas went to the bedroom and flopped down on the bed, yawning. He curled up in the blanket and closed his eyes, starting to doze off, until he heard the front door open.

"Cas?" Dean opened the bedroom door and peeked in, "There you are," he walked over to the bed and sat down, "how was work?"

"It was slow," Cas murmured, wishing he'd gotten to nap. He smiled when Dean leaned down to kiss him, "how was your day?" he asked, sitting up.

"It was productive," Dean said cryptically, grinning, "I have a surprise for you."

Cas raised an eyebrow, "a surprise?"

"But, you have to stay in here so I can bring it in," Dean got off the bed, beaming at Cas, "I'll be right back," he left the room.

Cas rubbed his eyes and got up, hearing the front door open and close, followed by footsteps and whispers. Curious, Cas took a few steps toward the door, listening.

A moment later, the door opened, "alright, now, close your eyes," Dean grabbed Cas' hands.

"What?" Cas gave Dean a quizzical look.

"I won't let you fall. Close your eyes and trust me," Dean assured Cas, squeezing his hands.

Cas rolled his eyes, shutting them, "if I fall and break my leg, it's your fault," he said, letting Dean lead him out of the room and, Cas assumed, into the parlor.

Dean stopped Cas, letting go of one of his hands, "alright, open your eyes," he said excitedly.

Cas literally gasped when he was faced with a group of people he hadn't seen in over six months. Jo, Sam and Adam. He couldn't believe it. They were really here. He hadn't thought about them in so long, and was literally speechless. What do you say to old friends whom you haven't bothered with in months? He didn't know what to do.

Jo didn't waste any time lunging at Cas, wrapping him in a bear hug, "I'm so happy to see you," she squeezed him with all her strength, "you look great, Cas, really," she let him go, smiling broadly.

Cas felt tears in his eyes. He didn't realize how much he missed everyone until they were there, standing in his parlor, "I don't know what to say..."

"Hello would be nice," Sam pulled Cas into a hug, chuckling.

Cas felt himself blush, "oh, right, yes, hello," he finally smiled, "I didn't expect this. Dean never mentioned it."

"It wouldn't have been a surprise if I told you," Dean nudged Cas, "are you surprised?"

"He looked like a deer in headlights when he saw us. If that isn't genuine surprise, I don't know what is," Adam said, walking over to clap Cas on the shoulder, "good to see you again, man."

"I can't believe you're all here," Cas said quietly, "will you be bringing in the new year with us?" he asked, still in awe at the fact that Sam, Jo and Adam drove to California to see him and Dean.

"That's the plan," Dean looped his arm around Cas, "I guess I should probably let you know that we're going to that upscale place on Haight Street. Jodie knows the owner and we have some primo reservations."

"Jodie knew?" Cas made a mental note to congratulate her on playing dumb about the plan.

"Hell, she's the one who suggested it," Dean tugged Cas over to the love seat, motioning for everyone else to have a seat, "then Sam called and said he was coming out for a visit and everything just sorta fell into place."

Dean was far too excited for a simple night out. Cas was beginning to get suspicious, but, maybe he was reading too far into it. After all, it had been a really long time since they'd even gone on a date, "how long have you been planning this?" Cas asked, glancing at Dean.

"About a week," Dean chuckled sheepishly, "if Sam hadn't called, we would most likely have just stayed in and ordered a pizza, like you wanted to in the first place."

"You make me sound boring," Cas said, frowning.

"There's nothing wrong with having a quiet night in," Jo chimed in, "lately, Adam's idea of a date is studying or grabbing a bite to eat at the dining hall on campus. So romantic."

"I took you to see that Kansas concert last month," Adam said defensively.

"We lost each other in the first twenty minutes," Jo rolled her eyes, "but I guess it was a pretty cool show," she turned her attention to Cas, "okay, I'm going to stop avoiding the topic. How are you, Cas?"

"Better," Cas felt Dean grab his hand and he relaxed a little, "a lot better than I was."

After a round of everyone chatting about what they'd been up to, Jo, Adam and Sam decided to head back to the hotel to get ready. They had plans to meet at the restaurant around 8, which gave Cas a couple of hours to get ready.

Once the gang left, Cas headed to the bathroom, Dean close in tow, "you're not mad about everyone showing up, are you?" he asked, leaning against the door frame.

"Why would I be mad?" Cas reached into the shower and turned on the tap. He was caught off guard and didn't know how to deal with a surprise like that, "I just felt a little awkward, seeing as I haven't spoken to anyone since we left Heaven Hills."

"They're understanding people," Dean eyed Cas as he pulled off his work t-shirt, "to be honest, I think they wanted to come to make sure you were doing okay. I mean, you do have people who care, Cas. It's not just me and your family."

Cas folded his shirt and put it on the sink, "I know," he sighed, "I just feel like I owe them a lot for falling off the radar when I moved here with you," he watched Dean come into the bathroom and shut the door.

"It's not like you planned for all that shit to happen," Dean pulled his own t-shirt off before pulling Cas into a hug.

The skin-on-skin contact made Cas shiver, "that doesn't stop me from feeling awful," he mumbled, returning the embrace, "I don't deserve such good friends."

Dean let go of Cas and looked at him, "stop putting yourself down," he said sternly, kissing Cas' forehead, "tonight is going to be fun, so stop moping."

Cas couldn't help it. Even on a good day, the memories of all the shitty things he did were in the back of his mind. Dean was excited for tonight and even though Cas felt reluctant about going out, he knew he had to do it for Dean, "Dean?"

"Hm?" Dean pressed another kiss to the tip of Cas' nose, a small smile playing his lips.

"I need to take a shower," Cas touched Dean's cheek, not really wanting Dean to go, but, at the same time, despite this not being the first instance where they had fooled around in the bathroom, he felt self-conscious.

"Mind if I join you?" Dean was grinning now, "Conserve water, and all that."

"Nothing I say deters you, does it?" Cas finally cracked a smile. He played with Dean's belt buckle, not undoing it, just testing him.

Dean's eyes flickered to Cas' hand, "nah," he tilted Cas' chin up and kissed him, "comes with the whole being in love thing," he murmured, pressing their lips together again.

Cas closed his eyes, letting Dean kiss him. He felt butterflies in his stomach when he felt Dean's hand fiddle with the button on his jeans, "I love you too, Dean," he decided to fight fire with fire and undid Dean's pants, "but can we just shower and get ready? We're kind of on a schedule here..."

"Stop worrying," Dean stuck his hand in the shower to test the temperature as he stepped out of his pants and boxers, "we have plenty of time."

Cas couldn't stop his eyes from straying, "Dean, I-"

Dean shushed Cas, helping him out of his remaining clothes, "last time we did this, we ended up arguing,, so, maybe we could just go with the flow this time," he stepped into the shower, offering his hand to Cas, "if you get uncomfortable, I'll let you shower in peace."

Cas felt extremely vulnerable standing in the middle of the bathroom in the nude, particularly because Dean was staring. It was also chilly, which won out over awkwardness, so, he gave in and got in the shower. The hot water felt nice as he closed his eyes and let it run down his face. He felt Dean's arms around his waist, and he inhaled sharply, before slowly relaxing. This was actually kind of nice.

"Have I ever told you how much I love your ass?" Dean murmured, kissing the side of Cas' neck, "It's a shame I've only seen it like twice."

Cas' cheeks ignited, "I'm...sorry?" he wasn't sure how to respond to something like that. Sure, Dean complimented him in the past, but this was something he'd never said.

"Don't be," Dean kissed his way down Cas' shoulder, "it makes me enjoy it all the more on the rare times I do see it."

Cas leaned back into Dean, feeling Dean's bare skin along his backside. A jolt of excitement hit him as Dean's hand's dropped to his hips, running his thumbs along the bone, making Cas shiver. The spontaneity of the whole situation was making Cas feel weird...he hadn't felt this particular kind of excitement in months, and judging by Dean's body language, he must have felt the same way.

Dean didn't make any further moves, which Cas was almost thankful for. In a way, he kind of wanted Dean to touch him. It had only happened once before, but it was enjoyable, at least until Ruby walked in on them. The thought made him laugh out loud, on accident, which made Dean let him go, "what the hell are you laughing at?" he asked, sounding amused.

Cas turned and looked at Dean, still chuckling, "I was thinking about the first time I met Ruby."

"You're thinking about a woman when you're in the shower with me?" Dean frowned.

"I was thinking about what was happening before that and then Ruby ruined it. It was her fault for making me laugh. It was kind of funny though, you have to admit," Cas picked up the bar of soap, and quickly washed himself off, "you can't really blame me for laughing."

"Well, she's not here now," Dean said suggestively, smirking at Cas.

Cas knew they both needed to get ready, and though difficult to deny Dean, he had to, "she won't be here when we get home either," he rebutted, "remember, we have plans tonight?"

"You're no fun," Dean laughed, grabbing the bottle of shampoo and handing it to Cas, "maybe my ultimate plan was to distract you in the shower and now you're ruining it."

"Well maybe my plan was to take you home tonight, and, uh," Cas shrugged awkwardly, "you know," he hated that he couldn't bring himself to tell Dean that he had every intention of taking the next step with him. It wasn't that sex terrified him anymore, it was just the word. He hated saying words that had to do with anything sex related. It had always embarrassed him. Just hearing someone else talk about it made him blush. He wasn't exactly the best at being seductive and flirty.

"Really?" Dean looked intrigued, "I look forward to, you know," he added, playfully mocking Cas' choice in words, which made them both laugh while they finished up in the shower.

Cas shut the tap off and grabbed two towels off the rack, handing one to Dean, "make fun of me all you want, but you're going to be the sorry one when I decide I have a headache when we get home."

Dean feigned innocence, "I would never make fun of you," he wrapped the towel around his waist, "well...not in a cruel way."

Cas rolled his eyes, wanting nothing more than to have his way with Dean right now, since it was clearly one of their good days. It took all the self control he possessed not to take Dean to their room right then, but instead, he settled for a lovingly sarcastic remark, "How did I get so lucky?"

***

[Dean]  
Dean put the suit, he'd picked up earlier, on and felt his self esteem skyrocket. He looked good; it was just as mob bossy as he'd anticipated and couldn't wait to see Cas' face when he saw him all cleaned up. It had been months since he'd worn something nice, and with a little hair gel and cologne, he felt incredible. He couldn't wait to see Cas' ensemble either.

There was a soft knock on the door, "Dean, I'm coming in," Cas opened the door and stopped in the doorway, his eyebrows shot up immediately, "wow."

Dean turned in a circle so Cas could get the full view, "pretty bad ass, right?" he chuckled, crossing the room to spin Cas around, "I gotta say, you clean up pretty nice, Cas."

Cas rolled his eyes, "it's the only suit I own," he fiddled with his blue tie, "well, I have my prom suit but it's back in Heaven Hills."

Dean helped Cas knot his tie, "I like this one," he flattened the tie and leaned in to kiss him, "everyone is going to be jealous of my handsome boyfriend,," he smiled watching Cas' cheeks flush.

"You're the one they're going to be looking at," Cas touched Dean's bowtie, "a bowtie? Really?" he mused.

"I look sexy and you know it," Dean stole another kiss before going back into the room to slip on his shiny, black dress shoes. He almost wished he had a matching top hat and cane. Maybe a monocle. That would be AWESOME.

"Where are we all meeting tonight?" Cas asked, taking his tan trench coat out of the closet, shrugging into it.

"God, I haven't seen that coat since high school," Dean walked over to Cas, touching the lapel of the coat, "is this the coat I stole after Garth's homecoming party?" he remembered that night well. He called Cas after that stupid fight with Jo, and Cas actually came. It was still one of his fondest memories. That night was the turning point in his life when he fully realized that he didn't just love Cas, he was incredibly and irrevocably in love with him.

"I found it in your room when Sam and I were moving your things while you were, uh, comatose," Cas bit his lip, "I didn't think you'd mind if I stole it back. I like this coat. It was my dad's."

"I didn't know that," Dean picked a piece of lint off the collar, "I would have given it back sooner had I known," he was terrible at returning things. Even though it happened ages ago, he felt bad.

"I got it back, so, an apology isn't necessary," Cas slipped his hand into Dean's, "back to the present," he chuckled, "what's the plan tonight?"

Dean hadn't thought about the early days of his relationship with Cas in a long time. It was refreshing to think about how innocent everything was back then. Now, things were different. He was glad everything was good, but he couldn't help but feel nostalgic, "well, we're meeting Sam, Jo and Adam at their hotel, and Sam's driving us to the restaurant since he can't drink at the restaurant."

"Sometimes I forget Sam's younger than all of us," Cas smiled, "he acts so much older."

"You haven't seen him in his Superman underwear watching cartoons with a bowl of cereal. He's a gigantic manchild," Dean laughed at the visual. Sometimes he missed living with Sam. There was never a dull moment. Between the pranks and contests, they always found ways to have a good time.

"I've seen you watch Star Trek in your boxers. I think watching television in your underwear is a Winchester trait," Cas let go of Dean's hand so he could look in the mirror, grabbing his comb and some of Dean's hair gel.

Dean watch Cas comb the gel through his hair, slicking it back, "I can't believe you're combing your hair for me," he winked at Cas in the mirror, "I feel so special."

"I wasn't going to, but your suit is going to make my messy hair look even worse," Cas frowned, "Anna is so much better at this than I am."

"Let me try," Dean touched Cas' shoulder, turning him around. Cas handed him the comb and he carefully parted Cas' hair, combing it off to the side, using his fingers to be sure the unruly hair stayed in place. When he was done with it, he couldn't resist pulling Cas into a kiss, "that's much better," he murmured, grinning.

Cas turned and looked in the mirror, "not bad," he half-smiled, "you still look better."

"I like the disheveled business man look on you," Dean checked his teeth in the mirror, "I can't wait to see this outfit on the floor later though," he added, laughing when Cas hit him playfully.

"We have to go, Dean," Cas tugged Dean's sleeve, "no more distractions."

"You're no fun," Dean followed Cas out into the parlor, checking his pocket for the ring before heading out to the hotel, Cas' hand in his. He couldn't wait to put the ring on Cas' finger.


	13. Bringing In 1977 With A Bang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Year's Eve is like a dream. Everything about it is perfect...at least until a familiar face shows up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Head's up. This fluff is the last fluff. And I don't blame anyone for leaving after this chapter. Much sad to come.

[Dean]  
At the hotel, everyone was dressed to impress. Jo was wearing a fitted red dress, and the others wore suits. They all looked amazing. Dean was growing more excited by the minute, and couldn't stop himself from pacing as he waited for Jo to finish putting on her makeup.

"Dean, sit," Cas grabbed Dean's hand as he passed by, "you're pacing like I used to when I did coke."

The room went silent. Jo stopped, halfway through putting on her lipstick to look at Cas. Sam looked from Dean to Cas, not saying anything. Dean wasn't sure what to say, but thankfully Adam saved the day, "well I guess if anyone can joke about that, it would be you, Cas," Adam said, chuckling nervously.

Cas grinned at Adam, "finally someone understands my humor," he laughed, tugging Dean down to sit next to him.

"I don't think I'll ever understand it," Dean gave Cas a peck on the cheek, "you're a mystery, Cas," he didn't think he'd ever fully understand Cas. No matter how hard he tried to get into Cas' mind, Dean would never know, for sure, what was happening in that head of his.

"I like to keep things interesting," Cas shrugged, resting his head on Dean's shoulder, "if I was actually boring, you would have left me ages ago."

Dean was a little taken aback by Cas' comment, but he knew Cas was still kidding around. He just wished Cas wouldn't joke about such dark things. There was no way Dean could ever imagine leaving Cas, but, then again, fate could be a real asshole, "I think we both keep things interesting," Dean nudged Cas, "don't be taking all the credit."

"You're both wonderful and fascinating," Jo chimed in, slipping her heels on, "I don't know about you lightweights, but I could use a drink."

"I'll pull the car around," Sam got up and grabbed his keys on the way out the door.

"So which one of you kids is the responsible one tonight?" Dean asked, knowing that Jo would be hammered within an hour of being at the restaurant, so Adam would most likely end up playing babysitter.

"Sam is the driver. He can babysit everyone," Jo pulled a bottle of whiskey out of her purse and took a swig, "any of you wimps want a sip?"

"How much have you had to drink already?" Adam asked, taking the bottle from Jo, helping himself to a few sips, cringing each time.

"Only a couple shots," Jo pointed to her shoes, "I'm still standing, so stop being all fatherly or you're not getting laid tonight," Adam ran his thumb and index fingers across his lips, zipping them shut, making everyone laugh.

The drive to the restaurant was crowded; Jo called shotgun, so Adam, Dean and Cas had to stuff into the tiny back seat of Sam's car. Despite being in such close proximity, the spirit was high and everyone was excited to bring in the New Year. It had been a rough year for everyone, and they were all glad to have it end.

After driving past the restaurant three times, Sam finally found a parking spot and took it as fast as he could. Everyone got out of the car and walked into the restaurant. Dean held the door for Cas and his friends before walking up to the host, "Winchester, party of five. We should have a reservation, compliments on Jodie Mills."

"This way, sir," the host lead the group into a huge, extravagant dining room. There were festive, sparkly decorations adorning every inch of the place; each table had gift bags at each place setting and there was a disco ball flashing dots of lights all over everything. There was a live quartet playing some ambient background music and people were crowded around tables, laughing and drinking.

Once seated, Dean immediately started pawing through his gift bag,- a random assortment of candies, a string of purple plastic beads and other miscellaneous party favors. He pulled out a pink party horn, "oh, I'm going to have so much freakin' fun with this," he said, grinning.

"Oh, great. They gave out horns," Cas said sarcastically, peeking into his own bag, "I love these," he said excitedly, taking out one of those candies with the wrapper that looks like a strawberry.

"Now, Cas, no candy before dinner," Jo chided, mocking an old lady voice. She waved over the waiter, "a round of your best bourbon for everyone except for him," she pointed to Sam, "poor thing has to be our designated driver," Jo's cheeks were rosy as she smiled at the waiter.

Cas leaned over to Dean, "she's drunk already," he whispered, laughing airily.

"You're just not drunk enough," Dean grabbed Cas' hand, under the table, lacing their fingers together, "bring Sammy a Shirley Temple," he added to Jo's order, snorting when Sam tutted and rolled his eyes.

When the drinks arrived, Dean held his glass up, "I'd like to make a toast to all of you. We've been through a lot of shit, but, 1977 is going to be our year. Here's to happy and healthy new year."

"I'll drink to that," Sam raised his glass before taking a sip of his virgin Shirley Temple, “hey, this isn’t half bad.” 

The night was off to a good start. Dean was optimistic, and a little tipsy after his third or fourth drink, but it was a good thing. He was holding Cas' hand, nibbling at fancy hors d'oeuvres and couldn't have been happier. Midnight was only a few hours away, then he could propose to Cas. It was a foolproof plan. He had the ring and nothing was going to stand in his way.

After several rounds of drinks from the open bar, Adam and Jo had lost their inhibitions and were shamelessly making out, while Sam chatted about Heaven Hills gossip. Cas listened intently to Sam, but Dean was lost in thought. He was going over every possible way he could propose. He knew he was going to do it at midnight, but what do you even say to someone you can't legally marry?

Dean drank the rest of his sixth whiskey before sticking his hand in his pocket to make sure he still had the ring. Like he expected, the box was safe in his pocket. He had to stop checking, Cas was going to get suspicious and he couldn't ruin this surprise. But the damn ring was burning a hole in his pocket and he was an obsessed man. There was still an hour and a half until midnight.

Jo and Adam excused themselves from the table, saying they had to use the bathroom and left,, both giggling. Dean's head was feeling a little fuzzy from all the expensive whiskey he'd sampled. Cas clearly had a good buzz going; his cheeks were pink and he had a ridiculous grin plastered to his face. He was adorable.

Dean looked at the clock, sighing when it was still before eleven. The harder he tried to pay attention to Sam's story, the more he started to think of the proposal. He was getting antsy, tapping his fingers on the table to the beat of the music, which was now playing over the speakers, as opposed to the live band that was playing when they first walked in. People were now crowding the dance floor in a sort of upscale most pit.

"Hey, Dean," Sam nodded toward the door, "I need some fresh air. Want to come with?"

Dean got up, "want to come, Cas?" he asked, still holding Cas' hand, helping him stand.

"I'm going to use the bathroom, so you guys go," Cas stood on his tiptoes and brushed his lips against Dean's, "hurry back," he mumbled, kissing him before stammering off toward the bathroom.

Dean had goosebumps all over his body. Cas had this really uncanny ability to be extremely sexy when he wasn't trying to be. Maybe it was just the booze, but Dean debated, for a split second, on following Cas instead of going outside with Sam. He collected himself for a moment before going outside.

The cool, night air felt good on his cheeks. Dean closed his eyes, enjoying the moment, a smile on his face, until Sam cleared his throat, "what's up, Sam?" Dean asked, looking at his brother, who's expression was that of amusement.

"You good over there?" Sam asked, grinning at Dean.

"I'm drunk," Dean laughed to himself, leaning against the fake brick facade of the building. He didn't mean to get more than a little buzzed, but there was so much, free, top shelf whiskey. There was no way he wasn't sampling every single one of them. He'd never be able to afford that shit if it wasn't an open bar.

"I didn't notice," Sam said sarcastically, "you know that's not what I meant. You're still going to pop the big question tonight, right?"

Dean reached into his pocket and pulled out the small velvet box, "that's the plan, Sammy," he said, putting it away quickly, not wanting Cas to walk outside and see it. His head was spinning with anxiety, he made the executive decision to stop drinking. He knew his dad didn't know where they were, but seeing Sam reminded Dean of home and he found himself extremely unnerved, "I guess I'm a little nervous."

Sam chuckled, leaning up against the wall, "I'd be more concerned if you weren't nervous at all. I read somewhere that marriage stuff is the most stressful thing in a man's life."

"I'm not nervous about that," Dean was ready for that kind of commitment, it was his dad that he was really worried about, "what if dad finds us? I know you said he didn't follow you...but, you can't underestimate him. I'm afraid, Sam. It's not fair. Cas and I shouldn't have to live in constant fear."

Sam frowned, "why haven't you gone to the-"

"It would be useless to go to the cops," Dean continued, "they wouldn't be able to catch dad unless he wanted to get caught," he glanced at Sam, "you know dad's capable of harming people, Sammy. I can't put Cas in danger, I just can't."

"Stop worrying," Sam grabbed Dean's shoulder, "you know I'll do whatever I can to keep you guys safe. Dad's smart, but I don't drink, so I have the advantage there," he smiled, "it's your turn to be happy, Dean."

"Thanks Sam," Dean nudged Sam, "you know, you're not bad for a little bitch."

"You aren't half bad for a jerk," Sam laughed, "we should go back inside. Cas will be wondering where we went."

Dean checked to make sure he still had the ring before following Sam back into the restaurant. Inside, the lights had been dimmed and a large TV was being rolled into the room, in anticipation of the Ball Drop re-broadcast. There was just under an hour to go until midnight. Smiling, Dean walked back over to the table.

Cas was still smiling when Dean sat down, grabbing his hand, "your hands are freezing," he scooted his chair closer to Dean,, "I thought you'd gotten lost," he added, taking the last sip of the drink he'd ordered shortly before Dean had gone outside, before kissing Dean, "if I wasn't drunk right now, I'd take you to the bathroom and," he pressed their lips together again.

"I could always give you a hand job under the table," Dean murmured into the kiss, playfully biting Cas' lip.

"I heard that," Sam interrupted, giving them both a disapproving look.

"I'll take a raincheck on that," Cas brushed their lips together once more.

"I look forward to it," Dean stole one last kiss before glancing up to see Jo and Adam stumbling back toward the table, "where the hell have you two been?"

"Dean!" Jo hugged him, "did you know there's a wine bar down the hall?"

Dean laughed, "you and Adam got wine drunk? Have fun with that hangover," he brushed a piece of hair out of her face, "glad you two made it back before the Ball Drop."

Jo took a seat and waved a waiter over, "can we get one more round of your finest local brew?" she reached into her bra and pulled out a five dollar bill, "here you are, happy new year."

The waiter chuckled to himself as he walked off. He returned a couple of minutes later with beers for Jo, Cas, Adam and Dean. Jo stood up, wavering for a moment before getting her bearings, "okay, it's my turn for a toast," she raised her glass, "this one is for Cas and Dean," she smiled at both of them, sloshing a little beer onto the table, "you two have been through more bullshit since you met than most people go through their entire lives. Most people would have called it quits, but you two always came out of a bad situation with a stronger bond than before," she was surprisingly charismatic when she was drunk, "Here's to your happy ending."

Everyone at the table tapped their glasses and drank their beers. Dean couldn't have asked for a more perfect night, and it was only going to get better. Midnight was drawing near and he could feel his churning with excitement. Fifteen more minutes.

Cas squeezed Dean's hand, "listen!" he got up, "Sh-Boom is playing. We have to dance," he tugged at Dean's arm, beaming, "come on!"

Dean finished his beer before letting Cas pull him out onto the dance floor. He wrapped his arms around Cas' waist, smiling when Cas draped his arms around his neck, "we haven't danced since prom," he swayed with Cas to the music, glancing around; no one seemed to care that they were dancing and he relaxed a little.

"We got kicked out of prom for dancing. I guess I lost my liking for it," Cas nuzzled his face into Dean's neck, hugging him close.

"It was worth getting kicked out," Dean heard the music stop, and the broadcast for the New Year's Eve celebrating in Times Square start playing over the speakers. He looked at the Tv, letting Cas go, "just under ten minutes," he smiled at him, "you ready for 1977?" he lead Cas over to the tv, to get a good view, as people started making their way in that general direction.

"I'm sure as hell done with 1976," Cas squeezed Dean's hand, "this coming year is going to be our year."

"How do you know?" Dean asked, glancing the time. Just a few minutes until he asked the most important question of his life. Six more minutes. This was turning into the longest night of his life. The anticipation was eating him from the inside out. 

Sam, along with Jo and Adam in tow, found their way to Dean and Cas, "it's almost midnight," Sam raised his Shirley Temple to the two of them, "here's to a happy 1977," he took a dainty sip out of the glass, with his pinkie out.

"Those Shirley Temples are bringing out your feminine side, Sammy," Dean snorted, glancing at the TV. Four minutes to go, "I ordered that first one as a joke, you know."

"Have you even tried one, Dean?" Sam held out the glass to Dean, "try this and tell me it's not the best non-alcoholic drink ever."

"I'm not drinking that," Dean said, laughing, "you enjoy it, Sammy."

"You've really never had one?" Cas asked, raising an eyebrow, "They're good. You really should try it. It's not like it's pink and in a martini glass. It won't hurt your masculinity."

Dean rolled his eyes, "okay, fine, but if I hate it, you owe me a drink when '77 hits," he took the glass from Sam and took a small sip.

Son of a bitch. That was good.

"I knew you'd like it," Sam took his cup back, smirking at Dean, "I think you owe me a Shirley Temple at midnight."

"I'm not fueling your addiction," Dean laughed, punching Sam in the arm with his free hand.

"One minute, Dean," Cas clapped his hands together excitedly, watching the TV, "59, 58..."

Dean inhaled slowly, closing his eyes as people around him counted down the seconds to the new year. Time seemed to move in slow motion, his head was spinning. He reached into his pocket, clutching the small, velvet box in his hand, feeling a pang of nervousness in the pit of his stomach. 

Cas was practically bouncing with excitement, "29, 28, 27..."

Dean took the box out of his pocket, still hiding it in his hand. His heart was racing. Cas was still counting down, each number louder than the last, "19, 18, 17," Dean let go of Cas, closing his eyes and inhaling slowly as the ten-second countdown began.

"10, 9, 8," Dean flipped the top of the box open, watching Cas, wide-eyed with anticipation, "5, 4, 3, 2..."

This was it.

"Happy New Year!"

The room exploded into applause and cheers. Cas spun around to face Dean, grinning from ear to ear. Dean was holding up the ring, but no words came out. He blanked, staring at Cas like a deer in headlights, "uh..." he'd forgotten everything he wanted to say. 

Cas looked at the ring and his mouth fell open, clearly just as speechless as Dean.

Dean had to think quick. He pulled Cas out of the crowd, off to the side, "hey, so I know we can't really get married," he took the ring out of the box, speaking quickly, his hands shaking, "but I'm still proposing to commitment...like a marriage, but not really," Dean was stumbling over his words, feeling his cheeks burning, "please say something, don't make me keep talking," he slipped the ring on Cas' finger; it fit perfectly.

Cas stared at the ring on his finger for a moment before pulling Dean into a kiss, crushing their lips together, "yes," he said breathlessly when they finally parted, "yes," there were tears in his eyes. 

Dean hugged Cas, unable to let go. He heard Sam, Jo and Adam yelling and cheering them on, but Cas was the only one he truly noticed. He knew he was crying, but it was the best kind of crying. He couldn't remember a time he'd been so happy. This was hands down the best night of his life. It was 1977, he and Cas were engaged and he couldn't have possibly dreamed of a better way to start a new year.

[Cas]  
Dean proposing on New Year's Eve was the absolute last thing Cas expected. He was still trying to wrap his mind around everything, constantly touching the ring on his finger to make sure this was all real. The ring wasn't disappearing and neither was Dean. This wasn't just a good dream. He was really engaged to Dean. Dean really proposed. This was real life. He didn't know how to cope with the overwhelming sense of joy, having gotten so used to pain. 

"You're so quiet, Cas," Jo offered him a glass of champagne, pulling him out of his internal debate, "you should be celebrating!"

Cas took the glass and set it on the bar, "it's just so surreal," he was grinning, his head still swimming in a sea of fine liquor, "I wouldn't have expected this in a million years."

"We were all in on the plan...well, we were coming out here either way, the proposal was just an added bonus," Jo drank her flute of champagne in one go, "I'm ready for the after party in the hotel room," she waved Adam over, "babe, can we go soon?"

Cas smiled at Dean as he returned from using the bathroom, "an after party at the hotel," Dean mused, lacing his fingers with Cas', "that could be fun."

"I don't think I could drink anything else," Cas squeezed Dean's hand, feeling exhausted from being awake over twenty hours. His body wanted sleep, but he was trying to fight it. Tonight was an important milestone in their relationship and Cas couldn't let physical exhaustion get in the way of him enjoying himself.

"Me either," Dean chuckled. His breath smelled like whiskey.

"Maybe we could," Cas cleared his throat, raising an eyebrow, "go back to our place," he felt a little bad about ditching their friends, but he had every intention of letting go of all inhibitions tonight. Getting laid trumps blacking out from drinking. Cas hadn't experienced the first part, but he imagined that wouldn't be the case after tonight. He shivered in anticipation. 

Dean's smile broadened, "I like the way your mind works," he leaned in, pressing his lips to Cas' temple.

"Okay, we get it, you're adorable," Jo said, laughing, "so, after party at the hotel. You two in?" she waggled her eyebrows, "We have a minibar," she added, in a clear attempt to entice them, before looking at Sam, "how many Shirley Temples have you had tonight, son? You good to drive?"

"Only two, I swear, office," Sam snorted, "so, what's the plan?"

"Me and Cas are heading home. He's been up since 4:30," Dean motioned for another whiskey, by waving at the bartender and pointing to his empty glass, "we're both beat," he continued, as if he didn't get distracted, "we'll treat you to breakfast in the morning. San Francisco has some of the best breakfast joints."

"The night is young," Jo wavered a little, but Adam put his arm around her waist, "maybe that last glass of bubbly was too much," she hugged Adam, "are you ready to go?"

"You're not going to barf in Sam's car, are you?" Adam looked like he was trying so hard to act sober, but it wasn't working. His eyes were glazed and he seemed to have a permanent smirk on his face.

"I'm taking these two back to the hotel," Sam finished his Shirley Temple and looked at Dean, "do you guys want me to drop you at your place on the way?"

"Our place is just a couple blocks up the road," Dean let go of Cas' hand, so he could tip the bartender who filled his glass. He picked up the glass and took a sip, "you go get the car and we'll help those two out of the restaurant," he chuckled.

"See you outside," Sam strolled out of room, leaving Dean and Cas with a very intoxicated Jo and Adam, who wasn't exactly the poster child of sobriety.

Cas picked up the champagne that Jo gave him and downed it. A little more liquid courage couldn't hurt. Dean took one more sip of his drink before helping Adam and Jo outside, with Cas following close behind, just in case either of them fell. Cas was definitely buzzed, but also sober enough to be able to take care of other drunk people. 

Dean sat Jo and Adam on one of the benches that lined the front of the restaurant, so they wouldn't have to stand while waiting for Sam. It was surprisingly quiet outside, there were only a few people in front of the building. Cas smiled when Dean rejoined him.

"Sammy will be here in a minute. Those two promised to sit until he got here," Dean chuckled, glancing out at the road, then back to Cas, "this is the first time we've been alone this year," he wrapped his arms around Cas' waist, pulling him closer.

Cas felt himself blushing, "so it is," he grinned at him as his eyes flickered to Dean's lips, "wait until we get home," he added, his mind straying to the possibilities an empty apartment presented them.

Dean licked his lips, "I like 1977 already," he leaned in and kissed Cas, "it's already off to a better start," he murmured into the kiss.

Cas smiled, pressing their foreheads together, "it's like a dream," he whispered, unable to explain the happiness he felt. It was unlike any kind of joy he'd ever experienced, enveloping him entirely, almost entirely erasing all the bad memories of the past. A clean slate. The new start they sorely needed, "I love you, Dean," he said, finally, touching Dean's cheek and savoring everything about that moment, before wrapping his arms around him.

Dean clutched to Cas, "if it's a dream, I never want to wake up."

While hugging Dean, Cas noticed something wasn’t quite right...someone was watching them. His heart sunk as the familiar man locked eyes with him. They were willed with more hatred than any person should be capable of feeling. He stepped into the light, pulling a gun, cocking it as he raised it, wordlessly pointing it at Dean. 

This wasn't a stranger or random attack. Cas knew exactly who the man was.

Cas didn't have time to think, their attacker was going to pull the trigger. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as he shoved Dean to the side, just as the gun fired. 

"DEAN! N-"


	14. The Reality Of It All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing is okay. Everything happened so fast and Dean has difficulty accepting the circumstances. He's surrounded by people who cared about him, but had never felt more alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit short, but, expect chapter 15 to be ridiculously long. It'll be the last chapter of Faster Times. (Aside from a short epilogue I have planned.)
> 
> No more fluff for the rest of the fic, at this point. I'll be blunt: it's sad. Nothing is okay. And I'm crying writing it.
> 
> ((Thanks for all the support. Keep your eye out for the final chapter, coming soon, with BIG news regarding my Fast Times series!))

[Dean]  
Everything happened so fast. So impossibly fast. Just moments ago, Dean was hugging Cas, fantasies running through his mind over every possible way he could make love to his new fiance. He was happy, truly happy, for the first time in years. Everything about the moment was picture perfect.

Now Dean was on the ground, a shrill ringing in his ears, making it impossible to hear and a searing pain in his shoulder. He hit his head when he fell, but was still clutching Cas. Everything was spinning, so he shut his eyes. 

What the hell just happened?

Sam’s muffled voice was yelling his name, but Dean couldn’t bring himself to move, “Cas?” he mumbled, still hugging Cas to his chest. When Cas didn’t respond, Dean finally opened his eyes, “Cas?” 

There was blood covering the pavement and a crowd forming. Dean felt a hand on his shoulder and Sam saying something, but the pain in his shoulder was too much. Everything faded out around him as he murmured Cas’ name.

***

When Dean came to, he didn’t open his eyes. The familiar electronic beeping was all around him. Inhaling, his nose was burning with the smell of disinfectant. He knew exactly where he was. 

Not again. 

This wasn’t real. 

It had to be a nightmare.

Reluctantly, Dean opened his eyes, and was faced with the exact scene he’d anticipated. He was in a hospital room and it was daytime. How long had he been out? 

Dean tried to sit up, but felt a piercing pain in his shoulder. Why the hell was he in so much pain? And, most importantly, where was Cas? He wanted some answers. Without thinking, he started to get up out of bed, just as a nurse was walking by.

“Sir, you need to stay in bed,” the nurse walked into the room, “we can’t have you leaving yet,” she ushered Dean back to the bed.

“I need to see Cas,” Dean demanded, “Or Sam! I need someone to tell me what the fuck happened!” he didn’t mean to yell, but he didn’t want to be here. He hated hospitals. This was bullshit.

“If you’d lower your voice, I’d happily get your brother,” the nurse was frowning at Dean. She looked exhausted, “don’t make me get security.”

“I’m sorry,” Dean mumbled, laying back down in bed, “I’m just confused-”

“Give me two seconds,” the nurse finally smiled, looking sympathetic, as she turned and left the room. 

Not long after the nurse left, Sam appeared in the doorway. His hair was disheveled and he looked like he hadn’t slept yet. Wordlessly, he walked in and pulls a chair up next to Dean’s bed. He wasn’t looking at Dean. 

“Sam?” Dean’s voice was hoarse. He reached for the glass of water next to his bed and took a sip, “What happened?” he asked, still softly. Sam shook his head, still silent. Dean was getting impatient, but noticed his brother’s reluctance to answer the question. He reached over and touched Sam’s arm, “is everything okay, Sammy?”

When Sam finally did look at Dean, his expression was blank but Dean could see the tell-tale signs of a man who had been crying. Sam’s eyes were red and his eyelashes were still wet. 

“Dad followed us to California,” Sam’s voice was almost inaudible.

Dean felt a chill go down his spine. This was bad, “Does Cas know?” was the first question he could think to ask. Cas was a priority right now. He needed to protect him so he wouldn’t get pulled into all this shit. He didn’t deserve the shitstorm that Dean assumed his father had planned. 

Sam inhaled slowly, looking away. That’s when Dean realized something was wrong, “Sammy, is Cas out there? Is he okay?” he knew he was prodding at this point, but he needed an answer. Now. When Sam still didn’t answer, Dean lowered his voice, “Sam. Where’s Cas?” 

Sam looked at Dean, his eyes pained, still not speaking. He shook his head, a single tear escaping the stone facade he was clearly trying to maintain, “I’m sorry, Dean,” he breathed, looking down at his lap.

Dean stared at Sam in disbelief. This couldn’t be real. Dean knew he was right- this was a fucking nightmare. He would wake up any minute, curled up with Cas. He just had to wait for his body to wake up. Any minute now.

It was a long time before Sam spoke again. He stood up, “I’m going to go tell Adam and Jo that you’re awake,” he said gruffly before leaving, but Dean ignored him.

This was a long fucking dream, Dean thought, staring at the ceiling. He just wanted to wake up. This wasn’t funny anymore. 

What was his subconscious trying to tell him? He didn’t want Cas dead. Cas wasn’t dead. No one said Cas was dead, so he had no grounds to believe that Cas was dead. He was alive. He had to be. After everything, if anyone was going to die, it was going to be himself. Not Cas. Never Cas.

Dean was stuck inside his own mind, staring at the paneled ceiling. He lost concept of time and everything around him. It wasn’t that he didn’t hear people around him, he just had to concentrate on waking up. This whole scenario was getting old. He must have been really tired to sleep this long.

The daylight outside faded to darkness, and back to daylight again. It happened a few times, but Dean remained deep in thought. He ignored every voice around him. When was the last time he’d even slept? Who cares. This wasn't real. The only thing that mattered was waking up. Cas must be worried sick.

Wake up, you lazy piece of shit.

After what seemed like an eternity, one particular voice caught Dean's attention, mostly because it was accompanied by a firm shake to his good shoulder. The sudden physical contact surprised Dean. He blinked a few times, as the room came into focus around him, along with the person who shook him. Gabe.

This wasn't the Gabe that Dean knew. Real Gabe would be smirking and saying something snarky. Dream Gabe was staring at him like a wounded puppy, and it was borderline terrifying. Dean didn't think Gabe was capable of an expression that wasn't smug or sarcastic.

"Hey, Gabe," Dean said finally, sitting up slowly, so he could take a sip of the glass of water, he assumed, had been refilled since the last time he touched it, “why are you in California?”

Gabe took a seat in the chair next to Dean's bed. He looked devastated and seeing Gabe like that made Dean want to vomit. Something wasn't right. Was this a dream? "Dean," Gabe's voice was unlike his characteristic loud, caustic tone. He spoke quietly in a husky whisper, "it's been three days. Time to leave," he looked down, "we need your help to plan the funeral...and you still have to talk to the cops about your dad..."

Dean felt dizzy. Funeral? Cops? Dad? What the hell was going on? He stared at Gabe, speechless for a moment, "Gabe...what happened?" he asked calmly.

"You...don't know? I thought Sam told you everything," Gabe sighed, "so many of us came to see you, but you wouldn't talk to anyone. We thought you knew..."

"Knew what?" Dean demanded, harsher than he meant to, feeling his heart racing, "What the hell is going on?"

Gabe's voice was almost trembling when he spoke, "John somehow managed to follow Sam to California," he glanced at Dean. The suffering he was feeling was evident in his eyes, "and he found you and," Gabe swallowed hard, "Cas," he looked away, "Sam was pulling up to the restaurant to pick up Adam and Jo...and he saw everything happen. He managed to tackle John and hold him until the police got there, but he did manage to fire one bullet..."

"And?" Dean egged him on.

"Cas pushed you out of the way and saved your life," Gabe's voice cracked.

A flashback from New Year's Eve played in Dean's mind. Cas yelled his name and shoved him before that loud bang. Dean froze. The bang. He gently touched his wounded shoulder, knowing the bang must have been a gunshot. Everything was coming back to him, "Cas...saved me?"

"John was aiming for you, but, Cas pushed you out of the way. It clipped your shoulder, but you were the lucky one," Gabe inhaled slowly, "after it clipped your shoulder, it hit Cas."

"Is Cas-"

"He didn't suffer," Gabe continued, "the bullet hit him in the head, he died almost instantly. Or...that's what the doctors said," his voice was shaking, "he's gone, Dean."

No. This wasn't their plan. Dean couldn't accept this. They were supposed to grow old together. Cas wasn't supposed to die, at least not yet. This wasn't how it was supposed to end. It was all wrong, "Cas is..." he couldn't bring himself to say it.

"They're releasing you from the hospital. I'll drive you home, okay?" Gabe stood up, his eyes still wet with tears, "the nurse gave me this bag of your clothes to give to you," he tossed the bag on the bed, "get ready and I'll meet you in the lobby," he left Dean alone.

Dean changed out of the hospital gown in a daze. This wasn't a dream. He wasn't waking up. It had to be a joke, then. This was Gabe's type of humor. He was just fucking around. It was a prank to pull on his little brother's new fiance. This had to be all Gabe's doing. That son of a bitch. 

Gabe waited for Dean while a doctor gave him the release speech regarding how to clean his wound and such. After the doctor finally shut up, Dean followed Gabe outside. It was chilly, but Dean hardly noticed. Wrapping his mind around Cas was taking every ounce of energy he possessed and then some. 

Dean felt his heart sink when he saw Gabe’s car. The crappy, red Chevette that Cas drove in high school. The car Cas picked him up the night he confessed everything. Homecoming weekend. He felt a lump in his throat as he got into the passenger seat, thankful that Gabe didn’t seem to be in a chatty mood. 

About halfway back to the apartment, Gabe turned down the radio, “Dean. I know we’ve had our issues, but, if you want to talk, I’ll listen,” he glanced at Dean, “keeping stuff bottled up inside isn’t healthy.” 

There were a million questions and comments Dean wanted to vocalize. Thousands of whats and whys plaguing his mind, yet, all he could manage was, “is this real?” he didn’t look at Gabe. He couldn’t.

Under any other circumstances, Gabe’s response would have made Dean laugh, “as real as herpes.” 

Dean nodded and looked out the window. He had to stay strong for everyone. Sure, he lost his fiance, but Cas was also a brother and friend. Everyone lost someone they cared about. He wasn’t the only one. Everyone was in pain. He had to keep it together for them until this was over. Then he could mourn. 

***

By the time he got to the apartment, Dean was on autopilot, just going through the motions as emotionlessly as he could. He couldn’t think. If he thought about everything that had happened, he would break and the last thing he wanted was to worry everyone even more. He accepted hugs and sympathy and everything else related to losing a loved one without losing it, but, it was also the hardest thing he’d ever done. 

Everyone was crowded in the living room, telling stories about Cas and trying to stay upbeat. Dean didn’t participate, favoring listening over anything. If he talked about Cas, he wasn’t sure his voice would cooperate. He couldn’t break down in front of everyone. They were all teary-eyed and they needed someone to be the rock of the situation. 

Anna pawed through a box of photographs, handing a few around, “I haven’t looked at these in so long,” she said softly, wiping a tear from her cheek, “this was Cas on his first Halloween, with Gabe,” she handed the photo to Jo, “our mom made those costumes.”

Jo’s eyes got big, “how cute,” she cooed, sounding like she was going to cry again, “Dean, look at this,” she got up and joined Dean on the loveseat, showing him the photo, “Cas was the cutest baby ever.”

Dean reluctantly looked at the picture. A young Gabe was sitting on a sofa, dressed as a beekeeper, holding baby Cas, who was dressed like a bumblebee. There was so much about Cas he didn’t know. He knew next to nothing about Cas’ parents and his life before he met Dean. The thought made Dean feel physically sick. He thought he had time to learn everything there was so know about Cas. If he’d known there was no time, he would have told Cas he loved him the moment he saw him in Bobby’s class. He wouldn’t have been the fucking idiot he was. Cas deserved so much more. 

“Uh, Dean?” Sam’s voice brought Dean back to the present, “Are you okay?” 

Dean didn’t realize he was clenching his fists in his lap as he stared at the picture, “sorry. Excuse me,” he got up and walked to the bathroom, desperately needing to be alone. The bathroom wasn’t ideal, but there was no way he was stepping foot into the bedroom. He couldn’t. Not yet. 

There was the possibility that he was in shock. He literally just found out everything that had happened...and he may have been in shock. His own father tried to kill him, and would have, had Cas not jumped into action when he did. Now Cas was dead. And his dad was to blame. Dean  
suddenly felt angry. About everything. What the hell was this shit? Who the hell actually has luck this bad?

Dean slams his fist against the wall, cursing in pain. This was all his father’s fault. If it wasn’t for that piece of shit, Cas would still be alive. He decided at that moment to do whatever he could to make sure John Winchester was stopped. Either John was going to rot in jail or Dean was going to kill the bastard himself. Something had to be done. He hoped for the jail option, since death would be too humane for John. 

A soft knock on door startled Dean, “I’m fine,” he said gruffy, rubbing his knuckles.

The door slowly opened and Sam walked in, closing it behind him. He didn’t say anything, but looked sympathetic. 

“You saw everything that happened that night,” Dean looked at Sam, “please, Sammy...I need to know how it happened.”

Sam shifted uncomfortably, “I thought you knew.”

“You were there,” Dean pleaded, “please, Sam…”

Sam sighed, clearly defeated, “when I pulled up in front of the restaurant, I could have sworn Dad’s truck was parked across the street, so, I looked around and spotted him just a couple of yards away,” he ran his hand through his hair, “he was holding a gun so I ran, without thinking and tackled him...but I was too late…” Sam leaned against the wall, “I tried to stop him, Dean. I’m sorry I wasn’t fast enough…dad must have been following us all night. I didn’t-”

“Sam, stop apologizing,” Dean held his hand up, silencing Sam, “this isn’t on you. Dad’s in jail right now, so everything else involves me-”

“You’re not alone in this, Dean,” Sam said stubbornly, “we all lost Cas, and we’re going to make sure dad spends the rest of his life in jail. There were too many witnesses for him to walk free.”

That made Dean feel a little better, but there were still other matters to deal with. He still needed to survive the funeral and trial. Two weeks tops, Dean told himself. Then he could deal with everything that had happened in his own way. Alone and preferably with a copious amount of whiskey. 

***

The days leading up to the funeral were tedious to put it mildly. Benny and Ruby showed up the day after Dean got out of the hospital, with news of their Vegas marriage. It brightened the mood for only a few minutes before they learned about what happened to Cas. Not even Ruby could make a sarcastic remark. She simply hugged Dean without a word. 

Between the phone calls to funeral homes, the morgue and family members...Dean was exhausted both physically and mentally. Sam and everyone else didn’t leave his side, helping as much as they could. Jo offered to help Dean go through Cas’ things, but Dean insisted that he’d do it after everything died down. He wasn’t ready to do that yet. If he got rid of Cas’ things, then Cas was really gone. He hadn’t even brought himself to go into the bedroom, there was no way he could handle pawing through Cas’ belongings. Not yet. Maybe not ever.   
Dean refused to let Cas’ memory die. 

It was Tuesday, or possibly Thursday, when Dean heard the phone ring for the hundredth time. He had stopped answering it at this point, letting everyone else deal with everything. This time, Benny answered it. Dean heard Benny tell the caller to hold on. He mentally prepared himself for another phone call. 

“Dean, brother, it’s for you,” Benny said, half-smiling, “some dude,” he shrugged.

Dean sighed irritably, forcing himself to get off the couch. He moseyed into the kitchen and looked at the phone for a moment before picking it up, “yeah,” he said rudely.

“Dean?” the voice caught Dean off guard. It wasn’t anyone he expected to hear from. 

“Mike,” Dean gripped the receiver tighter, “why-”

“I heard about Cas,” Mike interrupted him, “Adam called.” 

Dean made a mental note to punch Adam, “oh,” he didn’t want to have this conversation with Mike. 

“I’m sorry, man,” Mike sounded sympathetic enough, but Dean knew Mike hated Cas. Ever since their fling, Mike has hated anyone who got close to Dean, including Jo. 

“Thanks,” Dean had a fleeting moment of wanting to hang up, but Mike kept talking.

“I know I was a dick in high school,” Mike sighed, “to you especially. Ever since-”

“I don’t want to talk about that,” Dean said automatically, “we were both there. We both know what happened.”

“Right,” Mike was quiet for a moment, “are you alright, Winchester?”

“What do you think?” Dean snapped, not ready to forgive Mike, even after all this time. 

“I meant about Cas, not, uh, that,” Mike cleared his throat, “you know I’m here if you ever need to talk or whatever. I know we aren’t on the best terms...but I still love you, Dean. I-”

Nope. Dean hung up the phone, harder than he should have, “fuck you,” he growled, walking back out into the living room, his jaw clenched. Mike would be the one to call, trying to get back together. He hadn’t changed a bit, “motherfucker,” Dean mumbled under his breath, desperately wanting a drink. He spotted Adam, sitting next to Jo on the sofa, without thinking, he walked over and grabbed the front of his shirt, “why the fuck would you call Mike?” he asked angrily.

Adam held up his hands in defense, “whoa, man, easy,” he said, eyeing Dean’s clenched fist.

“Dean Winchester, you let him go right now,” Jo said sternly, glaring daggers at him, “he called because Mike’s birthday is in a couple of days and none of us were going to be around, jeez. Calm the hell down.” 

Dean realized what he was doing an immediately let go. He wasn’t violent like this. What the hell was he doing? Adam was his friend. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything because there was nothing he could say. If Jo hadn’t been there, he would have punched Adam directly in the face for the dumbest reason imaginable. 

“I’m sorry, man,” Adam looked apologetic, “I didn’t think he’d call you.” 

Dean ignored Adam and grabbed his jacket, walking out of the apartment without another word. He needed to get out. There were too fucking many people in the apartment and he was going stir crazy. Clearly, he was starting to get violent and he had to get out his frustrations before he hurt someone he cared about. 

It was mild and sunny when he got outside. He started walking and didn’t know where he was going to go. There was a scream building up inside of him and it needed to come out. He crossed the street, walking into the park. 

Dean found himself in a wooded area, next to a pond. He sat down on the grass and looked out over the water, “why did you have to be a hero, Cas?” he asked quietly, picking up a pebble and hurling it as hard as he could. It hit the calm water, splashing and causing a ripple, “This isn’t how it was supposed to be.” 

Time meant nothing to Dean anymore. He couldn’t even begin to figure out how long he’d been sitting there. Minutes? Hours? It didn’t matter. He stared out over the water, tossing stones, unable to bring himself to go back to the apartment. Eventually he’d have to return, but, that didn’t stop a fleeting thought of staying here all night. He almost considered it, until he realized what tomorrow had in store.

The funeral. The end of Cas. The end of everything he held dear in his life. The end. 

Dean wasn’t even remotely ready to accept defeat and move on.


	15. Plenty Of Room At The Hotel California

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything after Cas' death happens whether Dean wants it to or not. By the end, he just wants peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. So. This is the last chapter. An epilogue is coming, and, speaking of which, THE BIG NEWS I PROMISED!
> 
> YOU WILL GET THE BIG NEWS IN THE CHAPTER NOTES OF THE EPILOGUE! ;)
> 
> Thank you all, for supporting me throughout this project. If I could send everyone, who has left kudos and general love on the works in this series, thank you cards and cookies, I would. This is the biggest writing project I've done and I'm overwhelmed with all the feedback. I hope you'll subscribe to me so you can be updated with future projects! :)
> 
> And, without further blathering from me, I present to you, the final chapter of Faster Times In San Francisco...

The day of Cas’ funeral was dismal in every fathomable way. It was cold and rainy, but it was strangely appropriate, Dean thought. He didn’t want today to happen. Who in their right mind would want to bury the love of their life? Not Dean. All he wanted to do was stay home and drink. Heavily. But, he couldn’t do that with everyone around because drinking the way he wanted to drink, would have shown weakness. His friends needed him, he couldn’t break now. He was doing so well keeping it together.

Of course, by ‘keeping it together’, Dean had spent most of his time sitting on the love seat, watching TV and generally not saying anything to anyone. He was thankful that, for the most part, his friends gave him space. They knew he didn’t want to talk, and they respected that. Dean couldn’t talk about it yet. He could barely wrap his mind around it, let alone vocalize the pain he was in, and not just the physical pain from the bullet wound on his shoulder. This pain was borderline indescribable. Was there even a word to describe losing a loved one?

Around ten o’clock in the morning, Dean was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, staring at his reflection. He looked like shit, which was putting it mildly. There were dark circles under his eyes and he hadn’t bothered to shave since New Year’s Eve. His hair was unwashed, but at least he had made the effort to comb some gel through it, since he was currently wearing a two piece suit, with Cas’ blue tie, since Cas wouldn’t be needing it anymore. 

Dean ran his fingers along the tie, straightening it out. He had accepted that Cas was gone, but that didn’t change the fact that he wasn’t ready to say goodbye. No experience in his life could have possibly prepared him for something like this. Dean could feel a hole in his existence, one that no amount of drugs or alcohol could ever fill. 

It was just a void, slowly consuming him from the inside out. 

On the drive to the funeral home, Dean shares a car with Anna, Gabe and Meg; Dean had offered to drive, but everyone insisted they get a driver for today, so he didn’t bother to argue. It ultimately didn’t matter who drove because today was happening no matter way. They were all seated in the back of the van, no one brave enough to say anything.

After a few awkwardly silent minutes, Gabe spoke, “so, uh, what do a puppy and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common?” he asked, clearly trying to lighten the mood, “Wet noses!” 

Anna elbowed him, “really, Gabriel?” 

“Cas would have loved that,” Gabe said frowning, “do you know how pissed he would be if he knew we were all moping?”

No one responded to Gabe and they fell into another silence. Dean was only half-listening the entire time. He was fixated on the raindrops hitting the car window. At first he tried to count them, but it was raining too heavily and he gave up. He was trying to do or think of anything that would take his mind off of the fact that today he was saying goodbye to Cas in the most permanent way possible. He wasn't going to cry. Not today.

At the funeral home, Dean was hugged and given sympathy from people he knew, and even a few he didn't. He didn't say much. Only what was necessary. He didn't want to talk to anyone; he wanted to drink. 

There wasn't a formal service, but Dean was encouraged to say a few words about Cas. While everyone was speaking, Dean sat next to Anna. She was holding his hand with both of hers. He was almost statuesque, unmoving and silent, until it was his turn to go up in front of everyone. Anna let go of his hand and smiled weakly at him, "you got this," she whispered, touching his shoulder. 

Dean didn't say anything, as he made his way to the front of the room, next to the casket. Cas was really in there. In a little while he was going to be buried. In the ground. Forever. This was it. End of the road. 

"Hi," Dean said gruffly, glancing at Sam and Jess, who both smiled sadly, "I'm Dean, for, uh, those who don't know me. I am," he swallowed, feeling his stomach churn, "I was, Cas' fiance," he closed his eyes, unable to look at the crowd of people staring at him, "this is hard for me," he inhaled slowly, "Cas meant everything to me. He was my whole universe. No words can possibly describe the pain I feel when, at the end of the day, this was my fault," he felt a lump in his throat, "and I'm sorry, Cas," he turned to the casket, touching the polished wood, "I miss you," his voice cracked and his eyes were burning with tears he was desperately trying to hold back, "I love you."

At the end of the service, Dean got up and left without saying goodbye to anyone. He went out into the rain and looked up at the cloudy sky, not caring that he was getting soaked. Nothing fucking mattered anymore. He started yelling, feeling angry that this was happening, “why Cas? Why not me? Cas didn’t fucking deserve this and you know it!” he bent down and picked up a small rock, throwing it across the front lawn, “This isn’t fucking fair to Cas!” he finally felt his wall crumbling as he sunk to his knees, his suit pants getting soaked and muddy. He covers his face, getting mud on his cheek from the hand he’d used to throw the rock. Then the tears came, slow at first, then all at once, the rain falling soaking him to the bone.

Dean cried for a long time; he felt people around him but no one was doing anything and he couldn’t quell himself. He swore and yelled until his voice was hoarse and he slammed his fists in the mud, splashing mud on his white shirt. There was no way he was bouncing back after this. He knew at that moment that he would never be the same old Dean ever again. The old Dean died with Cas. A part of his soul was missing and he would never get that back. 

“Come on, Dean. Let’s get you out of the rain,” Anna's voice brought Dean back to the present as she squeezed his shoulder, helping him up and leading him to the van. Dean didn’t have strength to fight. He was tired. Not just physically, but mentally and in every other possible way. He was just...done. 

Meg and Gabe were already in the van when Dean climbed into the back seat. They both looked concerned, but Dean ignored them and sat down, not caring about ruining the upholstery with his filthy, wet clothes. Next stop, cemetery. He could handle this. He was good now. Hopefully. At least the rain was letting up a little.

“Dean,” Anna touched his arm, “Cas would understand if you couldn’t go to the cemetery.”

“I’m fine,” Dean said, mostly to convince himself, “I promise.”

No one tried to argue with him. It would have been fruitless. 

It had started raining heavier again by the time they got to the cemetery. Dean didn’t bother with an umbrella. He was already soaking wet and freezing, what was a little more rain? It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered except for being with Cas until the end. 

Dean watched the casket get lowered into the ground, rain and mud covering it as it hit the bottom. The emptiness inside of Dean was growing. So, that’s that? This is how it ended. A muddy hole. 

People were starting to scatter, but Dean couldn’t move. He stared down at Cas’ casket, getting soaked and dirty. Dean wished he was in there with Cas...he wished Cas was here...he just wished they were together. This wasn’t fair. He knew life wasn’t fair, but this was fucking ridiculous.

Dean felt dizzy. He needed to sit. Slowly, he slunk down to his knees, staring down into the hole, unable to look away from the casket. This is where Cas was going to spend the rest of eternity. Dean didn't realize Sam was standing behind him, until he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey," Sam knelt down next to Dean, "just so you know, I'm sticking around until the trial is over, you know, if you needed to talk."

"Thank you, Sammy," Dean stood up carefully, finally tearing his eyes away from Cas to look at his brother, "I mean it."

"You're my big brother, it's my job to be here for you," Sam smiled, nudging Dean, "let's get back to the apartment so we can change out of these wet clothes."

Sam had driven to the funeral, so he offered to drive Dean back to the apartment. Jo and Adam had to catch a bus back to Heaven Hills, so they stuck around just long enough to say goodbye, before hopping in a taxi. He couldn't wait until everyone was gone so he could be alone.

"Dean," Sam turned down the radio on the drive back, "are you going to be alright to testify against dad in court?"

"I look forward to it," Dean said dangerously, "if he pleads not guilty, I'm not showing mercy. He's going down for good."

***

The week leading up to the trial was a blur to Dean. There were too many people around, coming and going, trying to comfort him, when all he needed was a bottle of whiskey, which was a constant accessory every day since the funeral. He only remembered the week in bits and pieces, but that was probably for the best. He didn't want to remember the past week. What he did remember was just random happenings. He was pretty sure Jo and Adam left after the funeral, Jodie had given him a sandwich at some point too and Benny gave him a bottle of some home-brewed moonshine, which he drank in one sitting. He remembers little else. Which he was thankful for, even if his liver was probably getting ready to call it quits. He just wanted it all to be over. He wanted to be alone.

Around noontime, the day before the trial, the phone rang, and, as usual, Dean ignored it until someone else answered it. This time, Sam was the first to the phone. Dean half-listened, but only heard Sam asking things like "Really?" over and over. Boring.

A few minutes later, Sam came into the parlor, looking excited, "so get this," he took a seat on the armchair, "dad is pleading guilty and asking for a prison sentence. That was our lawyer, he said the trial will likely only last one day. Dad's not even pleading a case. The jury will have to find him guilty."

A wave a relief rushed over Dean, "so, he's going away for good," he almost smiled, "we finally won."

"After tomorrow we'll know for sure, but, yeah, I think we have this in the bag," Sam grinned at him, "I'll go call Anna and Gabe at the hotel to let them know."

Everyone is overjoyed by the news that no matter what, John was going to jail. Dean would get the closure he so desperately needed, and wouldn’t have to recount that night, out loud, in front of a crowd of people. He was prepared to do it, but was glad he wouldn’t have to.

Finally, some news that wasn't terrible. Dean decided it called for a celebration, and drank gin until he passed out, for the fourth time that week.

***

The day of the trial, Dean was hungover. He didn't bother showering before getting dressed. After today, nothing really mattered. Cas was dead and buried. John was going to rot in jail and everyone was going to go on as if nothing had happened- even Sam and Jess would leave and move on with their lives. Anna would go off an do her thing. Gabe and Meg would get married. The world would keep on turning. But not for Dean. He didn't know how he was going to move on from this. 

Dean thought about leaving San Francisco and moving somewhere desolate, just like he and Cas talked about, but, he couldn't do that. He wouldn't leave Cas here. No matter what he thought about, his mind kept going to Cas. It was going to be a long fucking day. 

Sam and Dean drove to the courthouse in the van, with Benny, Ruby, Anna, Gabe and Meg. No one spoke on the way there. They all knew the outcome, so there was nothing to discuss. Dean was glad for the silence. These days he wasn’t really into talking to anyone. He had nothing to say.

Dean zoned out on the drive, trying to think of what to do now. In a few hours, the trial would likely be over...then there was nothing. He couldn’t go back to the way things were. Not without Cas. He felt dead inside. Nothing was ever going to be the same. It wouldn't get better. It couldn't.

The trial went exactly as planned. Dean felt sick the moment John was walked into the courtroom in shackles. After John’s plea of guilty, before anyone could make any kind of case, the jury had a recess, that lasted maybe five minutes. They came back, and found John guilty on several charges, including manslaughter. John was sentenced to life in prison, without parole. Everything took maybe 2 hours. Then, court was adjourned.

That was that. 

A day that Dean thought was going to be the longest of his life, ended up lasting less than three hours and those hours seemed to fly by. It was almost surreal. He wasn't sure it had actually happened. His father was behind bars. Cas' death wasn't in vain. This was a good thing, right?

Everyone was appeased with the decision of the court. In all honesty, this is what Dean had hoped for, and he should have felt happy, but, now everything that comes after something like this had to happen. Everyone would be leaving California soon, then it would just be him. Alone. Sure, Benny and Ruby would be around, but, Dean wanted to be alone. He couldn't look at people being in love. Not yet. Maybe not ever. 

Now Dean knew he would have to go through Cas' stuff. He cringed at the thought of boxing up and throwing out clothes and records and books. Once he did that, Cas was truly gone forever. He wasn't ready for that. It was still a mindfuck to think that He went from affianced to widowed in the span of a couple of hours...it wasn’t right. They didn’t even get a chance to be happy. He hoped Cas was happy...wherever he was. Cas deserved that much.

"Hey, Dean, we're going to grab a bite to eat, you in?" Sam's voice tore Dean out of his internal conflict.

Dean shook his head, "I need some alone time, if that's cool," he said quietly, "I need to go through..." his voice trailed off, "you know."

Sam smiled sympathetically, "no worries, we won't be too long, okay?" he pulled the van up in front of the cafe.

"No rush," Dean got up and pulled Sam into a quick hug before turning to look at everyone in the back, "later, guys," was all he said before getting out, not bothering to look back as he went inside the cafe. He waved at Jodie, not stopping to chat, as he went upstairs.

The apartment was quiet, despite the ever-present hum of traffic outside. Memories of the past seven months plagued Dean's mind as he made his way through the parlor and down the hall toward the bedroom he had totally avoided since everything happened. He'd been sleeping on the couch because he couldn't bring himself to mess up the bed...the last place he and Cas slept together. 

Dean swallowed hard, his hand hesitating near the doorknob for several minutes before he opened the door. He lingered in the doorway for a long time, unable to take that first step inside. Inhaling, he closed his eyes and, after what seemed like hours, entered the room.

So many of Cas' things were mixed in with Dean's belongings. He didn't know where to begin. It was too much. He walked over to the bureau and leaned against it, feeling light-headed. Maybe it could have been the lack of food and abundance of cheap beer in his stomach. He didn't actually care that much. A small notebook fell on the floor as he shifted against the bureau, startling him. He looked down and noticed it was one of Cas' writing notebooks.

Gently, Dean sat on the floor and picked up the notebook, turning each page carefully, so he wouldn't rip it. A lot of the pages had his name with hearts drawn around it in the margins. He felt sick. The further into the notebook he got, the more little hearts with his name he saw, and the harder it became to hold his composure. He missed Cas. Dean knew he was crying, but he couldn't stop. Cas really was gone. The happiness he once had was gone. This was the end. He couldn’t recover from this. Not this time. Not without Cas.

When Dean got to a blank page, he glanced around, spotting a pen. He grabbed it and started writing. There wasn't a lot to say, but, it needed to be said. After two pages of his chicken-scratch handwriting, he ripped the pages out and stuffed them into his pocket. His note.

In somewhat of a daze, Dean wandered out of the bedroom toward the front closet. He pawed through a few shoe boxes before he found what he was looking for. A small pistol that Ruby kept around for protection.

Dean took the gun over to the record player, gingerly setting it down on the side table, as he knelt down to find that Eagles record Benny bought when it hit stores. Hotel California. When he found the album, Dean pulled it out and set it on the turntable, pushing a few buttons before flipping the switch for the needle. When the crackling of the record started, he turned up the volume, picked up the gun and walked back to the bedroom.

As the familiar guitar riff filled the apartment, Dean sat down on the bed, looking at the gun in his hands. He turned the barrel on himself, wondering what Cas felt before he was shot. Was Cas scared? Dean wasn’t scared. He was desensitized from all the shit he'd been through. A gun pointing him in the face just wasn't that frightening, in fact, it was almost enticing. Carefully he took the safety off, still handling the loaded pistol with extra care. 

Dean knew this solution was permanent. He knew there was no changing his mind after it’s done. No second chances, if he went through with it. But, if he didn’t do it, he knew he’d never be happy again. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be happy, it just wasn’t physically possible after loving someone to the extent he loved Cas. Sure, he was young, but he was old enough to know how it feels when one has lost a part of their soul. He would rather have live a short life that was spent with a few happy memories, than a long one, alone and riddled with the pain of losing Cas. 

Dean inhaled slowly, thinking. Was he being selfish? He didn’t think so. He just wanted the devastation and pain to end. This was the only way out of it. No one could help him. He knew Sam would be torn up...but if Sam loved him, he’d understand that without a soul mate, life was meaningless. Sam had Jess, and what did Dean have? A dead fiance and no quality of life left. His decision was made.

The chorus of “Hotel California” played in the background as Dean cocked the gun; it sent shivers down his spine. He closed his eyes, pressing the cold, steel barrel of the gun to his temple. Despite being so close to death, Dean felt at peace. For the first time since New Year’s Eve, he smiled, “I’m coming, Cas.”

Dean heard the front door open, along with voices, but it was too late. He wasn’t backing out of this. He couldn’t. 

Pulling the trigger was easier than he ever imagined. His finger gripped the trigger and the chain of events happened so fast that he didn’t have time to think, a loud bang, a few seconds of excruciating pain, then the room around him faded to absolute nothingness. 

There was only blackness surrounding Dean, enveloping his entire existence. He didn’t know where he was. There wasn’t anymore pain...but he didn’t feel dead. What was happening? He tried to call out, but he couldn’t seem to find his voice. 

Suddenly, a voice pierced through the darkness, a beacon, echoing all around him. 

“Dean?”


	16. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BOOM. Plot Twist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The BIG NEWS is in the end notes!

“Dean?” the voice was coaxing Dean back. Almost like a guiding light, but different. He tried to speak but it was gibberish. A sliver of light appeared in front of him, and the voice grew excited, calling out his name again, “Dean?”

The brightness overtook the darkness in a matter of seconds as everything came into focus. There was mechanical beeping noises around him and he smelled disinfectant. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Trying to move didn’t yield any better results. He was weak. What the hell was going on?

“Whoa, Dean, calm down,” the voice was there again, but everything around Dean was in a blur. A figure blocked out some of the brightness but he couldn’t see it’s face, “the doctor’s are coming. You were in a coma-”

A coma? What? That’s not right. Dean woke up from his coma months ago, “no,” he croaked finally, blinking as the room slowly started to focus. Sam was standing next to his bed, wide-eyed, “Sam?” his voice was barely a whisper.

“It’s me, Dean,” Sam smiled at Dean, but stopped him when he tried to sit up, “relax. You’ve been out for six months-”

“What?” Dean grimaced. That’s not what happened. No, that’s totally wrong. 

“Yeah...you crashed your car and you’ve been here ever since,” Sam looked up at a doctor who had just walked in, but continued as if uninterrupted, “we really didn’t think you were going to wake up...but the past week you started showing signs of waking up. I’ve been here every day,” he chuckled. 

“Cas?” Dean asked, his mind instantly reverting back to before the accident. Cas was still alive. Was Cas still alive? His heart was racing.

Sam’s smile faded, “I don’t know how to say this,” he touched Dean’s arm, “Cas went MIA a couple of months back when the doctors said there was no hope for you. He said he was going to find himself, whatever that means. I haven’t heard from him since, I dunno, March?”

Dean closed his eyes again, smiling to himself. Cas was still alive. That’s all he needed to hear to make a pact with himself to find Cas, no matter what. This was his second chance, and dammit he wasn't going to fuck this one up. He would find Cas and they would get that happily ever after...that is, after he got out of this stupid hospital bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part three, The Fastest Times, is complete. Be sure to read it to find out of these dorks get their happy ending!

**Author's Note:**

> Like this fic? Comments and kudos welcome! And find me on tumblr, for updates: cockney-bitch.tumblr.com.
> 
> -Nikki Noir


End file.
